Primary Predicitons

So I'm sure all four people who read this blog (Hi, Mom!) have been anxiously anticipating my next political blog, and have been severely disappointed. I haven't blogged about politics in a while because it has been so fucking depressing lately, and it has been nice not to pay attention to the flaming, sinking rat-infested shithole we currently call our government and political class.

Problem is, I just can't stay away. So I'm not going to get into it tonight, but one is on the way soon. And it will BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND, MAN. Also: maybe not. Anyway, I just wanted to make some quick predictions on the eve of the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, for posterity's sake:

Iowa
D- Barack Obama rises above Hillary and Edwards. This is totally happening.
R- Mitt Romney (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) with a big stiff-arm to Mike Huckabee. Huckabee has the momentum and the Jesus-freak vote on lockdown, but Romney poured so much money into Iowa and his organization is run so much better, I'm guessing they'll have better turnout.

New Hampshire
D- Hillary Clinton, but it's not going to matter because Obama is going to catch fire and sweep the Super Tuesday states, or come damn close.
R- John McCain- Imagine the GOP coming to their senses! Holy shit! I think McCain is going to get the nomination, but get his ass beat in the general election. This reeks of the run John Kerry made in the 2004 primaries when Democratic voters looked at their options and decided to reluctantly choose the guy that didn't scare them the most. And in this GOP field, which is incredibly fucking scary, the most rational choice is McCain (a sad statement in itself). This is definitely an upset, but so was Kerry in '04.

One more note: why the fuck do Iowa and New Hampshire get to decide who gets to run for president? Have you ever even fucking met someone who is from New Hampshire? I thought it was in Canada until a few weeks ago. There has GOT to be a better way to run this. We're letting a bunch of corn farmers and chowder eaters have a disproportionate amount of power in deciding who will be President. I am not cool with this.

Why should you care? Because last time we tried this, this fucktard is the best we could come up with:

Incredible.

Mahalo, bitches. Enjoy the spectacle.