In defiance of every possible expectation, the State of Michigan is threatening to leap into the late 90's and take some real, actual, progressive action by legalizing medical marijuana use and embryonic stem cell research. Holy fucking shit.
Opponents of the medical marijuana proposal have been decrying it's usage, culminating with the country's official Drug Czar John Walters saying "the proposal in Michigan would make it too easy for people to get the drug". Wait... is that supposed to make me vote against this proposal? Since I'm out of school and not many of my friends smoke, I don't think official Drug Czar John Walters knows how goddamn hard it is for me to find weed these days. If I want a bag I have a few options- I can call old friends in different towns I rarely talk to (desperate), go to concerts, parties and bars and try to make connections with people who smoke (super desperate), hang out at the 7-11 on 8 mile and Inkster and play the "approach the dudes who look stoned but not too threatening and probably aren't undercover cops" game (incredibly desperate), or finally go downtown into Detroit and buy from some sketchy dealer on a street corner and hope it's not laced with Angel Dust (no fucking way). None of these are good options, and if there is any possible way some of that sweet, sweet Mary Jane is going to leak onto the streets for the people to snatch up, I say all the better.
Also in his little anti-ganja hate speech, official Drug Czar John Walters tried to scare people into voting against the proposal by showing "pictures of marijuana vending machines that popped up in California when that state approved the use of medical marijuana." Even if you are against the idea of this proposal, you have to admit how awesomely awesome it would be to be in, say, a shopping mall and see this beautiful baby next to the Coke and snack vending machines:
Would it really be that bad if more people smoked weed? I don't know if you noticed, but everybody seems to be an asshole nowadays. Last week at a Tim Horton's the lady working behind the counter* literally threw the cardboard sleeve that goes around my coffee at me when I asked her for one because she forgot. Fucking bitch. If she was high, she still might not have remembered, but she might have given me a free bear claw, because when you're high you're happy and you want to share the wealth. Once at work, feeding off the early-morning sugar rush of a large coffee and a free bear claw, I may have been extra productive, which in turn might have helped my company turn a bigger profit, which in turn would have meant more tax revenue went to the Federal Government, which may have given the government enough money to fix Medicare, which would have helped old people get their medicine and live longer, happier lives. Are you against old people getting their medicine, official Drug Czar John Walters, you heartless bastard?
As for the other proposal, unsurprisingly the reactionary and totally lame right is mounting a fight against stem cell research in Michigan, because, you know, fuck those people with Parkinson's and Alzheimer's disease whose lives could someday be completely changed by the treatments and discoveries that experimentation on stem cells could bring. And fuck all those high-paying research and medical jobs it would bring to the state, we have so many jobs here we don't know what to do with them. I have like four old jobs sitting in my garage I haven't touched in years. Maybe I should have a job bonfire this weekend, all my job-saturated friends can bring their discarded and unused jobs over, and we can just have some drinks around the job bonfire and laugh and laugh about how great our awesome economy is and how everyone has so many fucking jobs they're littering the street and choking out all the wildlife and vegetation in southeastern Michigan. In fact, all I needed to make up my mind how to vote was the following video:
Once again arguing against the proposal, but after seeing this I have never wanted something to happen more in my life. A human-cow hybrid? Yes please. And why stop there? Why not bat-tiger hybrids, a flying nocturnal super-efficient killing machine we could unleash on our enemies and destroy once and for all? If you don't think an army of bat-tiger hybrids couldn't find Osama bin Laden in his stupid cave hideout in the mountains of Afghanistan, then you're nuts.
Or what about a turkey-duck hybrid, so instead of buying one of those expensive duck-stuffed turkeys on Thanksgiving you could just kill one horrific abomination of God and get all that turkey-duck goodness on our tables more efficiently? How about an ostrich-dolphin hybrid? I don't know what that creature would be useful for specifically, but don't even tell me if there was one in a zoo you wouldn't drop everything and go see it.
More importantly, it may allow me to inject myself with some sort of DNA-altering substance that could give me animal superpowers. My life is extremely lacking in the superpower-having area, and if I could somehow get the speed of a cheetah or the eyesight of an owl or the cock of a horse, well, then, color my life advanced.
Hopefully one day once these proposals pass my ultimate dream could become reality:
getting high with animals. This dog has already figured out how to take bong rips (good boy!), and I've always wanted to get high with some monkeys to see if we could somehow create a new language where we could finally, like understand each other. Or something. It seemed way better when I was high. Anyway, thanks Science!
* Seriously though, I hope that bitch who works at Tim Horton's get scalding coffee in her eyes. You make my life miserable every morning. You suck not only at your job, but at life.
