Ghost vs. Pope: Point Counterpoint

Does God care about your child’s Christmas pageant?

In this season of giving there is much going on and you’ve put a lot of effort into your eldest child’s school Christmas pageant.

Long hours spent rehearsing lines to ensure he/she performs like the special little snowflake they are. Many nights relaxation given up to aid the somewhat overzealous drama teacher in building ‘authentic’ first century manger sets (but that’s okay because if we can’t put in a solid effort this time of year, when can we?). And a slight level of neglect to your spouse and other child(ren) as you’ve focused a large portion of your last month on a 1 hour show involving 2 dozen children (who are all special).

Given all of this, one has to ask, does God, The Most Divine, King of Kings, Yahweh, Light of Light, Elohim, Giver of All that is Good, really have time to care about, and pay attention to your child’s pageant? Of COURSE He does. There is no way whatsoever that God would focus on anything or anywhere else for that magical hour December 24th.

COUNTERPOINT:

With all due respect, Pope, you are an ignorant, smelly whore. You're missing the point entirely. I will concede that all of the joyous singing and celebration and sweet cherubic souls making merriment MIGHT get the attention of God. But you know who cares more? This guy:



That's right boys and girls, it's Satan. Lucifer. The Devil. Trevor (some of his names are better than others). And he cares WAY more than lame-ass God. Just look at him: Rocking out with his cock out with that sweet axe. Robert Johnson sold his soul to him at the crossroads to become the best blues guitar player ever. Led Zepplin made a pact with him and were bestowed the power of Rock.

It's quite well known that Satan will make deals- it happens every day. But God? He doesn't bargain. How often have people bargained with Him to cure their cancer, to save them from death, to make them rich, to grant them their wishes, and how often does he come through? NEVER. God doesn't give a shit. Look at what He did to Haiti- you have to admit that was kind of a dick move. The Devil? He HELPS people (for a price, of course). God is an aloof dick sitting high on his horse looking down at us and JUDGING everything we do. Who needs that kind of pressure? Satan doesn't judge, he loves you for who you are. He's not so hung up on "rules" and "commandments". Dedicating your holiday pageant to God instead of Satan is a critical mistake: instead of boring church songs and crappy line-readings and poorly-built sets, you could have Satan help you out with things. Think of it: the power to see your kids rocking the fuck out and melting faces with their sweet guitar riffs, all the pyrotechnics you could imagine, awesome, professionally built sets that rise from the ground and blow your mind.

Now think about which you would rather see... thought so. Parents: Think about how much time and effort you put in to making something so crappy and boring that not even the kids want to be in. Do the right thing: put on a Satanbration(TM) instead of a Christmas pageant, it will be worth it. For now, anyway.

No more Nazi's!

Alright. Seriously. Enough. WWII ended 64 years ago. SIXTY-FOUR YEARS! That means someone born when the war ended can collect social security next year.

What’s my point, aside from the obvious that old ppl are weird and move too slowly on the freeway, in grocery lines, out of the way of my fists? Movies, comics, books, are no longer allowed to have Nazis as villains! I mean, look how bad it’s gotten: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278340/

Really? Zombie Nazi’s? And in the goddamn snow? Wow. Genius. Typically I love a good mixing of genre’s as much as the next religious superhero (Kwanza Jones is a sucker for post Apocalyptic love stories),

but this is just stupid. You might be saying “But Action Pope, how cool is that? Zombie Nazi’s!” Fuck off.

This is clearly a severe lack of imagination. I can think of 5 better zombie villains right now.

1. Zombie postal workers – they’re disgruntled, they have guns, AND they’re not delivering the latest issue of Playboy. Fuckers!

2. Zombie clowns – sure, Zombieland had 1, what about nothing but zombie clowns. The mere idea of it scares the shit out of me.

3. Zombie midgets – who wouldn’t watch that movie?

4. Zombie bears – cause a regular bear isn’t scary enough.

5. Zombie squirrels – you know how hard it is to punch a squirrel? Or hit it with an axe? Or shoot it? Seriously, we’d be fucked.

See, right there, 5 kickass ideas that are not hack. Nazi’s were cool when Harrison Ford was fighting them in the 30s and 40s, but let’s be honest, those days are past. Our generation, who grew up with comics, cartoons, and cool movies is now in charge and by and large, making some kickass entertainment (Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, Grant Morrison’s Batman & Robin series, Neal Patrick Harris in How I Met Your Mother, etc.)

Using a Nazi as a villain is the equivalent of putting your concept in space http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0211443/. STOP IT!