I’ve just awoke from a 20-year coma. Of course, my first action was to e-mail you for some advice. Here’s my problem: back in 1988, I was up on all the great music- Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, Poison, Def Leppard, those guys ROCKED! I was totally tits, and up on all the rockinist bands. But now, twenty years in the future, I’m lost. I love and miss that music, but I don’t even know where to start with today’s bands. Help!
Eddie
Terre Haute, IN
First off, Eddie, congratulations. Not on coming out of your coma (anyone with regular-functioning brain activity could achieve that… in fact, what took you so long? I’m surprised your family hasn’t Terry Shivo’d your ass by this point), but on immediately e-mailing me with your concerns. It shows an inherent intelligence on your part to turn to an oracle like me, but sadly, the idiotic content of your question betrays your underlying stupidity.
Fortunately for you, Ninja Please is an equal-opportunity advice blog (sometimes), answering queries ranging from kick-ass ninja badasses (such as myself) to primordial fucktards (such as yourself). So in order to help you get up to date what the kids are listening to today, I’ve complied a profile of some of the shittiest bands I could think of, and helpfully graded them on some of the lame-ass things you loved about those other craptacular bands from the late 80’s. So now, instead of writing “RATT” with magic marker on your jean jacket and frizzing your perm with hairspray with your buddies, you can compare your tribal tattoos and talk about what kind of hair gel works best to get that “half my hair is spiked up in the back but my bangs are really greasy look” that every fan of these bands is sporting today. These bands are the suckiest of the suck- you should enjoy them immensely. This is what’s commonly referred to as “dude rock” nowadays, which was the eventual bastard child of your shitty hair metal. This is going to be painful. You’re welcome in advance.
Nickleback: If we’re going to start talking about music by douche bags for douche bags, this is the place to start. The rundown:
Totally nonsensical yet vaguely douchey-sounding one word name? Check.
Lame faux-toughguy vocals sung in an over-the-top gravely voice? Check.
Lead singer has feathered hair just like a girl? Check.
Tribal tattoos, unfortunate facial hair, or trying way too hard to look badass? Some, but surprisingly restrained.
Surprisingly lame-ass pussy lyrics? A sample:
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody died
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we’d see the day when nobody died
Are you fucking kidding me? That’s got all the lyricism and poetry of a 14 yr-old girl’s D-minus English paper. Way fucking deep, man: What if nobody died? Think about it! DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!?! Plus, if we ever got to the point where nobody died, then we’d be robbed of the anticipation of the sweet release that would come with the lead singer of Nickelback’s death.
Bonus Douchiness: They’re Canadian, eh? Fuckin’ Cannucks. How dare you come to this country and spread the disease of your music. Most people think we’re friendly with Canada, but just look at the horrors they’ve inflicted upon us: Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, gravy on French fries, fucking Nickelback. We’re so willing to start wars unprovoked, but this seems like a clear and direct attack on our musical tastes. I’ve decided I’m voting for whichever candidate promises to declare War on Canada the soonest.
Hinder: If you loved the musical diarrhea that is Nickelback, then you’ll love the musical abortion that is Hinder. The rundown:
Totally nonsensical yet vaguely douchey-sounding one word name? Check.
Lame faux-toughguy vocals sung in an over-the-top gravely voice? Check.
Lead singer has feathered hair just like a girl? Check.
Tribal tattoos, unfortunate facial hair, or trying way too hard to look badass? Not quite… but somehow worse.
Surprisingly lame-ass pussy lyrics? A sample:
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
Oh sweet Christ. Where to even start with this one? “The lips of an angel”? So you took your lyrics from a bastardized version the shittiest pickup line even spoke in any language? Congrats. Also, her lips are what make you weak? What the hell is wrong with you? If this song was called “Tits of an Angel” that would be way better, because tits > lips. Also, everyone knows that angels have kick-ass tits, but are kind of butter faces. I was even going to make up some fake lyrics to pass off as theirs to hyperbolize their suckitude, but I couldn’t even make up fake lyrics as pussy as these. They defy imagination.
Bonus Douchiness: Their lead singer’s name is Austin Winkler. Just repeat that to yourself out loud for a second: Austin Winkler. Is he trying to make me want to hit him the face with a crowbar? Because nothing would make me happier right now. NOTHING.
Lifehouse: A band I hated and didn’t even know it. But god do I hate them. Their song “Hanging by a Moment” was playing every goddamn time I turned on the radio a couple of years ago. The rundown:
Totally nonsensical yet vaguely douchey-sounding one word name? Check.
Lame faux-toughguy vocals sung in an over-the-top gravely voice? Check.
Lead singer has feathered hair just like a girl? He did in the past, and one of the dudes in the band does, so I’m going with a “Check” on this one.
Tribal tattoos, unfortunate facial hair, or trying way too hard to look badass? Not so much… more of an emo-we-think-we’re-sort-of-punk-but-buy-our-clothes-at-Hot-Topic look. Blech.
Surprisingly lame-ass pussy lyrics? A sample:
I finally found a love of a lifetime,
A love to last my whole life through.
I finally found a love of a lifetime,
Forever in my heart, I finally found a love of a lifetime.
With every kiss our love is like brand new,
And every star up in the sky was made for me and you.
Still we both know that the road is long,
But we know that we will be together because our love is strong
Please give me a moment while I blow the remaining vomit out of my nostrils. There. That’s better. I almost feel guilty posting these lyrics, as this band provided a veritable smorgasbord of ridiculously cheesy lyrics. It was honestly hard to choose, but I couldn’t read these lyrics for any sustained period of time, on account of all the puking and eye bleeding. Seriously, their albums should come with a gas mask and a revolver loaded with a single bullet. You know, so you can play some russian roulette to pass the time.
Bonus Douchiness: According to their Wikipedia page, “The group first came together as a Christian band called Blyss…”. Seriously. This isn’t a joke or anything. THEY ORIGINALLY WERE A CHRISTIAN BAND CALLED BLYSS. The name “Lifehouse” is pretty terrible, but “Blyss”? Wow. Just wow. And I won’t even get into the insurmountable mountain of suck that is Christian Rock. OK, I will: it’s crap. All of it. Remember that one good Christian Rock song? Yeah, me neither. Let’s just move on.
Saliva: Jesus this is getting tiring. You better appreciate this, you coma-having asshole. The rundown:
Totally nonsensical yet vaguely douchey-sounding one word name? Check.
Lame faux-toughguy vocals sung in an over-the-top gravely voice? Check.
Lead singer has feathered hair just like a girl? Not feathered, but Christ look at this guy. I think he might have a touch of dwarfism or even a bit of Downs. Or maybe both? Either way he looks like the world’s biggest Oompa-Loompa Metallica fan.
Tribal tattoos, unfortunate facial hair, or trying way too hard to look badass? This category was pretty much made for this band. Double check.
Surprisingly lame-ass pussy lyrics? A sample:
I always wanted to be president, I always wanted to be Superman.
I ended up a fuckin' superstar.
I'm better off than either one of them.
I wanna take you to a higher place.
Say all the things that you could never say.
I'll even help you try to make a change.
Before the whole world blows up in your face.
What? I mean… this is baffling. What in god’s name is this full-sized midget rambling about? You wanted to be President? Really? Do they let people with fetal alcohol syndrome take elected office? Not only that, but you think you’re better off than Superman? Really? Let’s compare: Superman can fly, has x-ray and laser vision, super strength and bangs ultra-hot Lois Lane whenever he feels like it. You: dwarf-looking overweight tattooed D-bag lead singer of a marginally successful band. You cannot fly, your eyes do nothing cool, you’re probably a total pussy and at best you bang the skankiest Hooter’s waitress in every mid-sized town you travel to. Hmmm… Lois Lane, or Krystal from the Fort Wayne Hooters? Tough call. Asshole. And are you really a “superstar“? Me thinks not. This is getting really irritating.
Bonus Douchiness: Here’s a quote from the lead singer himself: “We’re going to go in the studio probably around May and record our next record. It’s called Monster, and if you like “Ladies and Gentlemen” and “Click Click Boom,” and more dynamic stuff, it’s going to be an ass-whooping of a record. It’s going to be 45 minutes of ass-whooping!”
Do you even need to hear anything else about them? Case closed.
Daughtry: What happens when you give a no-talent ass-clown from American Idol his own band? This. This abomination against all that is holy and good happens. The rundown:
Totally nonsensical yet vaguely douchey-sounding one word name? Check.
Lame faux-toughguy vocals sung in an over-the-top gravely voice? Check.
Lead singer has feathered hair just like a girl? Unfortunately not, but he is a bald-ass bitch. Look at what a brooding bad-ass he is! Look at the intensity!
Tribal tattoos, unfortunate facial hair, or trying way too hard to look badass? Mos def. Nice highlights, guys. Also, your lead singer is just like Vin Diesel, only dumber. Let that one sink in.
Surprisingly lame-ass pussy lyrics? A sample:
The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.
“Your love, it makes true”? What the fuck does that even mean? My god, I just read lyrics for several different Daughtry songs. I am truly ashamed of myself.
Bonus douchiness: This guy took 4th on American Idol. This proves the fact that if you’re a good karaoke singer, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have talent.
Fuel: The band so shitty, they offered Chris Daughtry their lead singer job, and he turned them down. Ouch. The rundown:
Totally nonsensical yet vaguely douchey-sounding one word name? Check.
Lame faux-toughguy vocals sung in an over-the-top gravely voice? Check.
Lead singer has feathered hair just like a girl? Who the fuck knows, they might not even have a lead singer at his point.
Tribal tattoos, unfortunate facial hair, or trying way too hard to look badass? Of fucking course.
Surprisingly lame-ass pussy lyri… ah fuck this, I can’t do it anymore.
I hope you’re happy, Eddie from Indiana, because researching these bands was less fun than having all of my pubic hair plucked out one-by-one. Now make sure you and your buds get your spiky highlights done in time for that big Puddle of Mudd show next week, you fucking ponce.
