Ghost vs. Pope: Point Counterpoint

Does God care about your child’s Christmas pageant?

In this season of giving there is much going on and you’ve put a lot of effort into your eldest child’s school Christmas pageant.

Long hours spent rehearsing lines to ensure he/she performs like the special little snowflake they are. Many nights relaxation given up to aid the somewhat overzealous drama teacher in building ‘authentic’ first century manger sets (but that’s okay because if we can’t put in a solid effort this time of year, when can we?). And a slight level of neglect to your spouse and other child(ren) as you’ve focused a large portion of your last month on a 1 hour show involving 2 dozen children (who are all special).

Given all of this, one has to ask, does God, The Most Divine, King of Kings, Yahweh, Light of Light, Elohim, Giver of All that is Good, really have time to care about, and pay attention to your child’s pageant? Of COURSE He does. There is no way whatsoever that God would focus on anything or anywhere else for that magical hour December 24th.

COUNTERPOINT:

With all due respect, Pope, you are an ignorant, smelly whore. You're missing the point entirely. I will concede that all of the joyous singing and celebration and sweet cherubic souls making merriment MIGHT get the attention of God. But you know who cares more? This guy:



That's right boys and girls, it's Satan. Lucifer. The Devil. Trevor (some of his names are better than others). And he cares WAY more than lame-ass God. Just look at him: Rocking out with his cock out with that sweet axe. Robert Johnson sold his soul to him at the crossroads to become the best blues guitar player ever. Led Zepplin made a pact with him and were bestowed the power of Rock.

It's quite well known that Satan will make deals- it happens every day. But God? He doesn't bargain. How often have people bargained with Him to cure their cancer, to save them from death, to make them rich, to grant them their wishes, and how often does he come through? NEVER. God doesn't give a shit. Look at what He did to Haiti- you have to admit that was kind of a dick move. The Devil? He HELPS people (for a price, of course). God is an aloof dick sitting high on his horse looking down at us and JUDGING everything we do. Who needs that kind of pressure? Satan doesn't judge, he loves you for who you are. He's not so hung up on "rules" and "commandments". Dedicating your holiday pageant to God instead of Satan is a critical mistake: instead of boring church songs and crappy line-readings and poorly-built sets, you could have Satan help you out with things. Think of it: the power to see your kids rocking the fuck out and melting faces with their sweet guitar riffs, all the pyrotechnics you could imagine, awesome, professionally built sets that rise from the ground and blow your mind.

Now think about which you would rather see... thought so. Parents: Think about how much time and effort you put in to making something so crappy and boring that not even the kids want to be in. Do the right thing: put on a Satanbration(TM) instead of a Christmas pageant, it will be worth it. For now, anyway.

No more Nazi's!

Alright. Seriously. Enough. WWII ended 64 years ago. SIXTY-FOUR YEARS! That means someone born when the war ended can collect social security next year.

What’s my point, aside from the obvious that old ppl are weird and move too slowly on the freeway, in grocery lines, out of the way of my fists? Movies, comics, books, are no longer allowed to have Nazis as villains! I mean, look how bad it’s gotten: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278340/

Really? Zombie Nazi’s? And in the goddamn snow? Wow. Genius. Typically I love a good mixing of genre’s as much as the next religious superhero (Kwanza Jones is a sucker for post Apocalyptic love stories),

but this is just stupid. You might be saying “But Action Pope, how cool is that? Zombie Nazi’s!” Fuck off.

This is clearly a severe lack of imagination. I can think of 5 better zombie villains right now.

1. Zombie postal workers – they’re disgruntled, they have guns, AND they’re not delivering the latest issue of Playboy. Fuckers!

2. Zombie clowns – sure, Zombieland had 1, what about nothing but zombie clowns. The mere idea of it scares the shit out of me.

3. Zombie midgets – who wouldn’t watch that movie?

4. Zombie bears – cause a regular bear isn’t scary enough.

5. Zombie squirrels – you know how hard it is to punch a squirrel? Or hit it with an axe? Or shoot it? Seriously, we’d be fucked.

See, right there, 5 kickass ideas that are not hack. Nazi’s were cool when Harrison Ford was fighting them in the 30s and 40s, but let’s be honest, those days are past. Our generation, who grew up with comics, cartoons, and cool movies is now in charge and by and large, making some kickass entertainment (Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, Grant Morrison’s Batman & Robin series, Neal Patrick Harris in How I Met Your Mother, etc.)

Using a Nazi as a villain is the equivalent of putting your concept in space http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0211443/. STOP IT!

Ghost: Man of Leisure

God I fucking hate working. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have job, and my current job is actually a pretty good gig- laid back environment, friendly and fun people, I don't dread going there every day (I actually sort of like it), so I really shouldn’t be complaining.

That still doesn’t make it ok, though. Human beings were not meant to work. Sitting in a cubicle creating spreadsheets and quarterly goals goes against every fiber of our being. We were meant to live lives of leisure, much like the animals- exploring, hunting, gathering, etc. Have you thought about what your pet does all day? They eat, run around, play, sleep, hump something, eat, play, maybe lick themselves a bit, eat, play some more, then take a nap. That’s awesome, and that’s the type of life we as humans should be experiencing. Instead, with our stupid evolved brains and stupid opposable digits we’ve built ourselves a stupid society that absolutely depends on hundreds of millions of faceless minions like me to push paper and toil in ultimately fruitless and soul-crushing busy work, creating nothing except existential angst and stress.

Well fuck all that noise. I’ve got a new plan. And it’s pretty awesome. Peep this:

Step 1: Quit working.
Step 2: TBD
Step 3: PROFIT!!!
Step 4: Live a life of leisure.

I know, pretty great plan, right? Right. After all the profit, I will be free to live my life exactly how I want it. I need to make sure I have this part planned out as well, because I want to get the most out of life as possible. Therefore, I have a few initiatives laid out in advance, which I have outlined here.

Initiative No. 1: Monkey Best Friend
Ever seen that movie, the Island of “Dr. Moreau?” Don’t. That movie sucks horse balls, but there is one particularly awesome thing about it: Dr. Moreau has a little person best friend that is dressed exactly like him at all times and goes everywhere with him. He even plays a miniature piano. That is sooooo sweet I’m jealous I didn’t think of it first. The only problem is the little person is that movie is beyond creepy- seriously, look at him- so I would change it up a bit and make it into a monkey instead. The monkey would dress exactly like me and we would go everywhere together- the bar, football games, weddings, parties, you name it. One episode of the Simpsons Homer got a helper monkey named Mojo, and it was awesome until Mojo drank and smoked too much and got sick. I would have to make sure my monkey best friend was not a lightweight- my monkey would be drinking miniature versions of all the drinks I have- so I would have to party with a bunch of different monkeys to see which type of monkey could best handle their booze (my money’s on chimps. And I know they’re not monkeys, but, uh, shut up). Nothing would be more embarrassing than to be out partying with my monkey best friend, and see him pass out in a pile of his own vomit after one miniature Irish car bomb. That can’t happen, as my new life of leisure is going to involve an assload of drinking, and my monkey best friend is going to have to be able to hang.

Also, my monkey would be my personal bodyguard. I would have my monkey trained by the best, having it learn all aspects of hand-to-hand combat, marksmanship, evasive driving maneuvers, CPR, etc. This way, if someone tried to mess with me, they wouldn’t expect my monkey best friend to scissor kick them in the face and choke them out while I laughed manically. Since my monkey would be such an awesome badass, I would name him Mr. Miyagi.

Initiative No. 2: Establish a Team of Crack Scientists
If I am going to fully experience all life has to offer, I am going to need some enhancements. Upgrades, if you will. I’m not nearly smart enough to create all of these things on my own, so I’ll have to have a team of Lucious Fox-types to invent the things I need. Here’s what I’ll get them working on right away:

Mechanical Liver With Replaceable Parts- Let’s be honest, if I’m going to be partying so much (and rest assured, I am), my liver is eventually going to give out. That’s why I’m going to need a new one later on down the line, but a liver transplant sounds painful and not great. Therefore I will have my scientists create a robot liver that I will simply be able to swap parts in and out with once they become too eroded from all the whiskey. Maybe one for Mr. Miyagi, too.

Flying Motorcycle with Sidecar for Mr. Miyagi- I believe this one explains itself.

Auto Tune my Voice- I will have the scientists create an Auto Tuner to be implanted into my voice box that I can toggle on and off, allowing me to talk like T-Pain randomly anytime I wanted.

Initiative No. 3: Buy a TV Network
This way, I could have the following shows either created or renewed: Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks, Deadwood, The Glenn Beck Gets Repeatedly Kicked in the Balls Happy-Time Hour, Cooking With Gary Busey (cocaine-sprinkled French toast, anyone?), Life Lessons with Mickey Rourke, and the Patton Oswalt Does Whatever the Fuck He Wants Hour, because Patton Oswalt is the funniest fucker ever. This would all make me very happy.

Initiative No. 4: A Team of Sexy Henchwomen
Mr. Miyagi wouldn’t be able to do all of my bidding, that’s why I would have a team of sexy henchwomen in my employ to get shit done.

Initiative No. 5: Find A Mortal Enemy
This will be crucial, because if I am going to be traveling all over the world with my monkey sidekick, I’m going to need a foil hellbent on destroying me and dominating the world. I’m hoping he would have a giant moustache that he could twirl while he talks about his plans.

So once I had these things in place, I would spend my life doing the following:

- Visit every country on earth
- Go big game hunting in Africa
- Visit every MLB stadium in one summer
- Have an epic battle with my enemy on a rooftop
- Ice luge with Mr. Miyagi
- Commission a movie to be made about my life
- Win the Stanley Cup
- Ride a bear like a horse
- Learn how to play the spoons (hambone!)
- Take a piss on the 50-yd line of the Big House
- Shoot fire arrows into a large building and then slowly walk away
while it explodes
- Play Tetris in the Kremlin
- Find that asshole that randomly punched me in the face in college and beat
his face in until he shits out his own teeth
- Complete and perform my rock opera about Abraham Lincoln
- Get it on in zero gravity
- Smoke a blunt with Willie Nelson
- Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight
- Fight the zombie apocalypse
- Etc.