The Sweet/Weak List

New Running Item: The "Sweet/Weak List". Pretty self-explanatory, what we feel at Ninja Please are currently on our mind and are Sweet and/or Weak. Hopefully we'll be able to update it a few times a month.

Sweet:
1: Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (T.V. show)

Anthony Bourdain has my dream job: travel around the world, eat a bunch of expensive, incredible food, meet new people and get drunk with them, and get paid an assload for it. Also, he's an ex-junkie, and kind of a dick, which makes for good T.V.

2: Rudy "Nosferatu" Giuliani dropping out of the GOP Primary

Good riddance, and fuck you, Rudy. Asshole.

3: Boddington's Pub Ale

Sweet Christ-on-a-Cracker is this shit good. I can't stop drinking it, which sucks because it's like $18 for four. I'd probably be better off acquiring a massive coke habit, undoubtedly it would be cheaper. Still, next time you're at a halfway decent bar, order yourself one of these. You won't be sorry.

4: Michigan State Basketball

At last check, 19-2 and steamrolling the Big Ten. More importantly, doing an excellent job of washing that distinctive feces taste out of my mouth that the MSU football team left there after choking away the Michigan game, then crapping the bed in their Bowl game against Boston College. Saint Izzo is whipping his boys into shape, and I would be terrified to draw them in the tourney. Also, I freely admit to having a gigantic man-crush on Drew Neitzel. It is what it is. I make no apologies, but I also will honor the restraining order.

5: "Lost" season premier

Remember the end of last season, where we thought we were watching a flashback, but it turned out to be a flashforward, with Jack driving around with a Beard of Emotion, going to some weird dude's funeral, rocking out to Nirvana and trying to kill himself? That shit BLEW MY FUCKING MIND, man. I am officially horny for this new season. I am also a gigantic loser. Whatever.

Weak:
1: John Edwards dropping out of the Democratic Primaries

We are all poorer now for this. John Edwards was the only one besides Ron Paul keepin' it real, saying shit nobody wanted to hear but needed to hear. While Hillary and Obama argue about whether or not MLK was aided by LBJ in passing the civil rights bill or if it was the other way around, and whether or not a particular flower Hillary had in an arrangement behind her in a commercial she released three months ago was the official flower of the Confederacy during the Civil War which in turn means she's secretly racist, Edwards was hammering away on the issues, the stuff that matters: poverty in America, the staggering incompetence of our government to protect or rebuild New Orleans, and the issue closest to my heart: rooting out the stranglehold special interests have on our legislative agendas. Look up any Edwards speech, and he was methodically on point and fiercely loyal to real progressive ideas, especially the issue of universal health care. In fact, this leads us to the next item on this list...

2: America, for not having universal health care

What the fuck, America? Get your shit together. If you've ever had to go to the hospital and not had health care, you know what I'm talking about. Go in for an x-ray, ten stitches and a couple aspirin, next thing you know you're $20K in the hole and have to either sell a kidney on the black market or have to file for bankruptcy. This shit is ridiculous: we're flushing a BILLION dollars a week down the drain in Iraq, but we won't pay for health care of all of our citizens? It's downright barbaric. And don't give me that shit about how it will decrease the quality or you won't be able to choose you own doctor, that's the propaganda the insurance companies want you to believe. Ask a Canadian or a European if they can choose their doctor and how satisfied they are with their health care, and then you'll feel like a real ass. As you should.

3: Winter

Winter, you are an unforgiving bitch. Yesterday it was 46 degrees and I wore a sweatshirt to work, today I went outside and my testicles shot up into my liver trying to escape the cold. It was around 0. It should never be 0. Goddammit.

4: The Super Bowl

I don't even want to watch it, it hurts too bad. Football Jesus, I'm having a moment of doubt that lasts all offseason. Why throw that pass in overtime, why? Just take the sack. TAKE THE GODDAMN SACK!!! Can't you get back on the pills and booze? You were so much fun back then. And, most importantly, a better player. I can't even talk about this anymore. I'm getting shitfaced on Sunday, you can take that to the bank.

5: Kwame Kilpatrick not resigning

Kwame Kilpatrick is a corrupt thug. He fired a guy because he was going to reveal his affair and shady and unethical squandering of city funds, then lied about it under oath and perjured himself. What a fuck. Then, as a result of his lying and douchebaggery, cost an incredibly poor and cash-strapped city $9 MILLION DOLLARS in payouts and expenses to settle with the whistleblowers. How are there not riots in the streets, people with pitchforks and torches storming the Manoogian Mansion ready to tear his ass to shreds? Where is the outrage?

That's all, kiddies. Enjoy the Super Bowl.

UPDATE:
For more on John Edwards and the effect he's had on the campagin, check out the excellent opinion piece by Paul Krugman in today's N.Y. Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/01/opinion/01krugman.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

Drunk Blog!!!

OK, trying something new... I'm going to watch the GOP debate and write down my observations, only I am shitfaced. My drink count:

3 Guinness
1 Black & Tan
3 Irish Car Bombs
1 stupid shot Casey bought, it was sweet and tasted like cough syrup
2 SoCo & Lime

ANYWAY... the debate is starting, and the Republican candidates are very... white. Very white. In fact, Rudy Giuliani looks like a vampire. Come to think of it, he looks like this vampire:



And here is Rudy trying to feast on the blood of the young:



Vampires already? The debate just got started.

Observation: Mitt Romney looks like a Ken doll, only a Ken doll's evil boss. What a tremendous douche bag.



Mike Huckabee is not talking... the moderator is not asking him (or Ron Paul) any questions. These are the two most popular candidates with the people. LET THEM SPEAK! LET THEM SPEAK! What's that you say? The GOP is controlled by special interest groups and large corporations? Oh... oh yeah, that makes sense.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! This debate has been boring as shit so far, but Mitt Romney and John McCain are getting into a pissing match over illegal immigration. Apparently, Mitt Romney's Mormon religion not only prevents him thinking black people have souls (ED NOTE: The Mormons do not believe this, they admitted black people had souls in the 70's), but it also prevents him from giving a straight answer to a question. Good stuff. Oh, and Editor? Here's a direct quote from Brigham Young, lest you think I jest:

"You must not think, from what I say, that I am opposed to slavery. No! The negro is damned, and is to serve his master till God chooses to remove the curse of Ham..."

The Mormons, everybody! Happy New Year!

Oh! Ron Paul is talking. He is asked to compare himself with Barack Obama, and he says they're similiar because they are both campaigning with the support of the young people. In fact, he just introduced his new campaign spokesman:



Romney says McCain advocates amnesty for illegal immigrants... Romney advocates burning the genitals of each illegal immigrant with a hot poker... Sen. McCain opposes this, therefore he is soft on immigration... Fred Thompson is sleeping...Rudy Giuliani is drinking the blood of Britney Spears... Ron Paul says the pharmaceutical companies are evil... Mike Huckabee apparently doesn't exist... an emu has wandered onto the stage, but no one has noticed.

Nevermind. This is fucking exhausting. I quit.

Mahalo, bitches.

News Flash: Tigers Will Eat People, If Given Opportunity

Please read this story: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/02/tiger.attack/index.html?iref=newssearch

OK, now let me ask you something:

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I guess that was more of a statement than a question, but I think you get the idea. This might be my favorite news story of the year, and we're only a couple days in. Here is a quote:

"Something prompted our tiger to leap over the exhibit and all I can do is ensure that's never going to happen again at the San Francisco Zoo," said the facility's director Manuel Mollinedo Wednesday.

Gee, let me think... Hmmm... a tiger... attacking people... what would make it want to attack them... can't put my finger on it... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Wait... could it possibly be because IT'S A FUCKING TIGER?!?!?!?

Have you ever been around a tiger? No, you haven't, because the tiger would eat you. That is what tigers do, they eat animals smaller than them. This is what you look like to a tiger:


That's right, it's food. You look like a delicious roast turkey dinner to a tiger.

Now, I'm sorry that kid got eaten. That really is a bummer. But it didn't suprise me that a tiger ate him, and I don't think kids "taunting" the tiger had much effect. The story also breathlessly reports about investigators searching for "evidence" of taunting in the tiger's case. Apparently, they're examining "a large rock, a tree branch and other items". Really? A rock? Do they think since the tiger was taunted, he made his escape and purposely hunted down the kid that taunted him, or did his tiger instincts take over and just maul the easiest warm body he could? Furthermore, who the fuck is investigating this, CSI: Bedrock? A tree branch and a rock? Who the fuck knows why the tiger jumped out of it's cage?

This also brings up another point. While, again, a tragedy, how sweet would it have been to see a 350-lb Bengal Tiger get a running start and jump a 12 1/2 foot wall, then maul somebody? If there was video of this, it would have been the #1 download on YouTube.

I'm starting to get really sick of this shit. Remember when "Roy" of "Sigfried & Roy" got mauled by that tiger and everyone was so aghast? What do you think happens when you take a tiger out of the jungle, put it on a stage in front of hundreds of people, play loud music and dance around taunting it, trying to get it to do tricks? Right again, eventually IT WILL FUCKING EAT YOU. It's a tiger. Hell, I might even have bit his neck to get that weirdo away from me.

Another one was when Dale Earnhardt died in a race at Daytona. Hey, guess what will happen if you and fifty other jackasses drive two-tons of steel and plastic within six inches of each other at 175 mph for 500 miles? Yup, eventually someone is going to fucking crash and die. These are not surprises, people. They are tragedies, yes, and it's unfortunate they died. But if you stand on a stage and fuck with a tiger, or you race cars, aren't you kind of asking for it?

RIP, Dale. Your classy fans miss you.

Primary Predicitons

So I'm sure all four people who read this blog (Hi, Mom!) have been anxiously anticipating my next political blog, and have been severely disappointed. I haven't blogged about politics in a while because it has been so fucking depressing lately, and it has been nice not to pay attention to the flaming, sinking rat-infested shithole we currently call our government and political class.

Problem is, I just can't stay away. So I'm not going to get into it tonight, but one is on the way soon. And it will BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND, MAN. Also: maybe not. Anyway, I just wanted to make some quick predictions on the eve of the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, for posterity's sake:

Iowa
D- Barack Obama rises above Hillary and Edwards. This is totally happening.
R- Mitt Romney (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) with a big stiff-arm to Mike Huckabee. Huckabee has the momentum and the Jesus-freak vote on lockdown, but Romney poured so much money into Iowa and his organization is run so much better, I'm guessing they'll have better turnout.

New Hampshire
D- Hillary Clinton, but it's not going to matter because Obama is going to catch fire and sweep the Super Tuesday states, or come damn close.
R- John McCain- Imagine the GOP coming to their senses! Holy shit! I think McCain is going to get the nomination, but get his ass beat in the general election. This reeks of the run John Kerry made in the 2004 primaries when Democratic voters looked at their options and decided to reluctantly choose the guy that didn't scare them the most. And in this GOP field, which is incredibly fucking scary, the most rational choice is McCain (a sad statement in itself). This is definitely an upset, but so was Kerry in '04.

One more note: why the fuck do Iowa and New Hampshire get to decide who gets to run for president? Have you ever even fucking met someone who is from New Hampshire? I thought it was in Canada until a few weeks ago. There has GOT to be a better way to run this. We're letting a bunch of corn farmers and chowder eaters have a disproportionate amount of power in deciding who will be President. I am not cool with this.

Why should you care? Because last time we tried this, this fucktard is the best we could come up with:

Incredible.

Mahalo, bitches. Enjoy the spectacle.