Ghost's Super-Terrific Happy-Time Awesomeness Advice

Many of you, my loyal readers (read: nobody) have been bombarding me with questions on all different kinds of topics, searching for answers. It's understandable, really, that you would come to me with your problems; who better to help you figure out the complicated shit-storm of life than a lethargic (read: lazy) alcoholic pushing 30 pseudo-intellectual snarky jackass such as myself? Nobody, of course. God you're stupid.

ANYWAY, please direct your questions about life, death and everything in between to tadghostly@hotmail.com, and maybe you'll be lucky enough to have a reply from me in one of "Ghost's Super-Terrific Happy-Time Awesomeness Advice" posts. This posting, coincidentally, is actually the first one! You're welcome in advance.
My first question comes from Lukas in Des Moines, Iowa.

Dear Ghost,
Love your blog, but I have a serious problem I'd appreciate your help with: I have a massive rat infestation in my home! I swear to god they're everywhere- my kitchen, my basement, even my bedroom. Needless to say this has even impacted my love life, and not in good way- how could I take a woman back to my home (even if I paid her), with these rats scurrying to-and-fro? Thanks for your help.

Lukas,
Des Moines, Iowa

Well Lukas, sounds like you do have a serious problem. Not only are rats unsanitary, they are generally considered the hardest to get rid of in all of the Rodent Kingdom, which has a surprisingly complex hierarchy. For instance, Squirrels are the obvious king-princes of the rodents, by far the most social and financially well-off due to their constant hording of nuts and long-term mutual funds, although many of the other rodents consider them to be arrogant and kind of full of themselves. If they went to college, they would be the frat brothers with pastel polo shirts and popped-collars who call each other "bro" and get way, way into it when they have a few drinks and karaoke to that song "Rock Star" by Nickelback. If you know a squirrel, you know what I'm talking about. Douches.

Next we have the beavers, and as every knows nobody parties like a motherfuckin' beaver. They have, however, been known to take it to extremes- beavers can go on booze-filled benders for an entire warm season, then sleep their hangovers off for an entire winter. These guys are hard-core. Here's a tip: if a beaver ever attempts to get you to smoke a blunt with it, do not under any circumstances. I was hanging out with some beavers one night and a blunt was passed to me. I smoked some, and I don't remember much after that until I woke up wearing a clown suit in a pile of hay with my arm elbow-deep in a llama's throat and smelling of raw fish and shame. Point is they lace that shit, I think it was angel dust. Do Not, I repeat, Do Not get wet with a beaver.

Gerbils are another rodent to be wary of. Let's just be honest here, gerbils are goddamn perverts. I'm sure you're familiar with how people let them crawl up their asses for sexual pleasures, but have you ever wondered how they actually get them up there? Getting animals to do anything is difficult, my cat won't sit still for a vet appointment for christsakes. So how, you may inquire, do they get gerbils to do this? It's because they want to. They actually like crawling up people's asses and giving them butthole pleasures. They are creepy animals, and never leave one alone around your kids or Richard Gere.

There are other rodents that present their own unique problems- guinea pigs are slobs, they never do their dishes or shower on a regular basis. I had a roommate who was a guinea pig, and he always left his dirty guinea pig socks in our living room. They were argyle. Gophers are the practical jokers of the rodent kingdom, always creating elaborate set-ups for hilarious pranks- like the time they started that giant wildfire out in California. Good times!

Porcupines are the worst, so be glad, Lukas, that you don't have a porcupine infestation in your home. These guys are seriously a bunch of dicks. They party like beavers, smell worse than guinea pigs, like to play jokes like gophers (except their jokes involve screwing your girlfriend and peeing in your shampoo bottles), and they're almost as big of douche bags as squirrels, but not quite. Fuckin' porkies.

That brings us to rats. First off, Lukas, you need to identify which type of rat has infested your home. There are several kinds, each with it's own different strengths and weaknesses.


The Robot Rat: this type of rat can be very difficult to get rid of. Because they're half-rodent, half-robot, they can survive almost any type of attack. My advice: confound their artificial intelligence by dropping a question with circular logic that cannot be answered. For instance: If you're eating breakfast, and one of the robot rats scurries onto your table, and starts blathering their binary-code robot squeaking at you, put down your spoon and calmly ask them: "Robot Rat, can you help me with a question? This grapefruit I've been eating has been puzzling me. Can you tell me which came first, the grapefruit which contains the seeds, or the seed of the grapefruit which allows the grapefruit tree to grow?" This will work because on top of being robotic, robot rats are intellectually vain and will want to answer your question correctly. Because there is no answer, his head may explode. This is not what you want; what you want is for the rat to go ask the other rats, then have all of their heads explode with the complexity of the question. This should work, but you may have to ask a few different rats.


Mutant rat: This can be a problem. Depending on how this rat mutated, it may have special abilities. Hopefully these particular rats did not mutate into humanoid ninjas, because if they did you're fucked for a couple different reasons: 1- judging my your stupid name and the stupid city you live in, Lukas, you yourself are not a ninja. Therefore, there is no way you could possibly defeat a ninja in battle, let alone an mutant rat ninja. 2- You possibly could hire a pirate to defeat the ninjas, but it would have to be a mutant cat pirate- a mutant rat ninja's natural enemy. Good luck finding a mutant cat pirate. You may want to consider moving, or beginning ninja training.


Canadian rat: These rats are actually very polite, and mostly white. They thrive on cold weather and Celine Dion songs, so if you've been listening to a lot of Celine Dion lately, this may have attracted them. Also, you listen to Celine Dion, and now everyone knows. This may be a bigger problem than the rats. Still, this is a pretty easy one. It's very well known that Canadian rats love french fries and gravy, so you need to set up a constant survailance. I'm talking high-tech microscopic hidden cameras everywhere around your house, so you can study their habits. You need to set up a sting where the rats are eating a big pile of fries and gravy, then you need to create a diversion. Once you've distracted the rats, perhaps with another sexy female rat you hired to work undercover for you (note: make sure undercover rat is not a double agent actually working for the Canadian rats), you need to slip some rat poision into it's fries and gravy. The rats will surely die, but you may feel bad since the Canadian rats were pretty nice guys. Still, you can't have them sitting around your house watching hockey all day, drinking Molson and spreading socialism. This is America, motherfucker. These Colors Don't Run.

Ordinary rat: Call an exterminator, you dumbass.

Again, you're welcome, Lukas. Keep those questions coming.

Waaaaay too much time on my hands

My friend Jeff, in posting on my blog on my unending hatred of the Dallas Cowboys, brought up an interesting point. He mentioned how much he hates Terrell Owens in real life, but loves video game Terrell Owens. This got me thinking about how much I play video games, and how much of a disgusting slob I really am. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being not lazy at all and 10 being Homer Simpson from the episode where he got purposely fat so he became disabled, wore a mumu and waved a broom handle at neighborhood kids that taunted him lazy, I'd say I'm right around a 6.5. I haven't gotten to the point of wearing a mumu yet (projected date: March 2010), but I certainly have come home shithaused from the bar, started playing a game of Madden, passed out in a drunken stupor on my couch, awoke the next afternoon to find to my delight that I paused the game in the middle, and simply started playing again when I woke up. Maybe I shouldn't be telling people these things.

ANYWAY, I also got to thinking about the different sports video game characters over the years, and how much this has shaped my opinion of them in real life, and vice versa. So I've decided to come up with a comprehensive list of these characters, because this will be way more fun than working. In no particular order:


11- Jon Sundvold, Tecmo NBA Basketball, NES- Who is Jon Sundvold, you ask? Only the deadliest 3-point threat ever to inhabit a video game. He was on the Miami Heat, and from the top of the key he simply could not be stopped. He also might rival Jud Buechler for the "Jeff Hornacek Memorial Dorkiest White Guy to Play in the NBA in the Last 20 Years" award. Seriously, look at him. I had no idea he actually existed until I discovered him on this game, and to be honest I think he is a sophisticated long-range shooting android created in an attempt to take over the basketball world. Unfortunately, his creators forgot to include some minor details to his game: jumping ability, speed, ball handling skills, and any ability to play defense. Other than that, bang up job diabolical basketball scientists! He works for ESPN as a college basketball analyst now, and I also suspect that he exists only as a head, much like the heads kept in jars on Futurama.


10- Rod Woodson, Tecmo Super Bowl, SNES- After worshiping at the altar of Tecmo Super Bowl for regular Nintendo, needless to say I was psyched to dive into the new version on Super Nintendo. It was 16 fucking bits of pure sexual anticipation, and of course it was a giant letdown. It looked like the original but sure as hell didn't play like the original. "Hey, let's take out all of the unrealistic superhuman abilities of the players that made the first games fun, but keep the graphics shitty!" seemed to be their motto on this one. There was, however, one shining beacon of redemption on this game, and it came in the persona of one Rod Woodson. Faster than everyone on defense, unstoppable on kick returns, he was a beast. I was a huge Rod Woodson fan in real life because of this. I also loved him because when I first played this game at my friend Valley's house, I made him literally cry tears of rage and watched him trash his basement as Woodson would jog untouched into the end zone after my 3rd kickoff return for a TD in a row. I love seeing people lose their shit.


9- Brian Bosworth, Tecmo Bowl, NES- Just kidding. But seriously, this is a sweet excuse to include a picture of the Boz. Fuckin' Boz.


8- The Laser Robot, Base Wars, NES- The ultimate weapon. I can't even go into this one, but if you've played the game you know. The Laser is unstopable. Also, a certian teacher from North Carolina does a sublime air guitar to the theme song to this game.


7- The Fat Guy, Ice Hockey, NES- You could only choose from three different guys that all looked the same- a skinny guy, a medium guy and the fat guy. The Fat Guy was by far my favorite, despite his much slower skating ability and his penchant for taking 5 minutes to get up off of the ice, he could kick the shit out of the other guys, and had the slap shot of a Norse god, and for that I love him. This has also helped me see obese people in a different light, teaching me to consider their virtues in spite of the fact their rolls are hanging over their arm rests and encroaching on my personal space in my tiny airplane seat. See, video games are enlightening and good for society.


6- Lawrence Taylor, Tecmo Super Bowl, NES- LT is the best. Even before he went on "60 Minutes" and entertained us with tales of sending drugs and prostitutes to opponent's hotel rooms before games, even before he entertained us with an incomparable turn as a drug-addled flamboyant linebacker in "Any Given Sunday" (A dive into method acting that even DiNiro is envious of), even before he entertained us with his constant drug abuse and revolving-door rehab frequenting, LT was entertaining us as a demon on the football field as a part of Tecmo Super Bowl. No shit, I recorded almost 100 sacks in a single season with LT. He was, of course, faster than all the other players, but the best thing about him was if his health rating was "excellent", you didn't even have to grapple with blockers and kill your thumb slamming the "A" button over and over again, because the blockers would fucking bounce off of you and fly fifteen yards down field! What was that repelling off the blockers? A force field of cocaine, rage and self-loathing, perhaps? Whatever it was, LT is the shit, and sometimes I am scared he is hiding under my bed waiting to rape me. Not because he would like it, just because he's bored on a Tuesday night and Bill Parcells told him to. I swear, one time I saw the flash of his lightning-bolt dangling earring down there. I think I know how Joe Theisman feels now. I might need to talk to someone.


5- Chet Lemon, RBI Baseball, NES- RBI Baseball is the shit, and there are a ton of great players on this game, but the one that always seemed to come up big was Chet "Motherfuckin" Lemon. Big home runs, a sweet flat top fade... it doesn't get much better. Plus, he has his own beer. How kick-ass is that?


4- Terry Glenn, Madden '03, XBox- Fuck you Terry Glenn. Fuck you in the face. You know what you did, but let's recap: whined your way out of New England, then got my hopes up by coming to Green Bay. Then, as you are wont to do, the sand in your vagina became too much to handle and you ended up whining your way out of Green Bay, only to end up playing solid for the Dallas Cowboys the last few years. On top of all that, you were the biggest d-bag ever to grace a Madden game. Wide open over the middle? You'll drop it. Running play outside? You'll let the cornerback push you on your ass. In a nutshell, you suck at real football, Madden football, and life in general. Also, nice hair.


3- The Troll, Jerry Glandville's PigSkin Footbrawl- How obscure of a reference is this? I love Jerry Glandville for the following things: playing for Northern Michigan, letting his name be attached to easily the most bizarre football game ever made, and of course the biggest: trading the Football Jesus to the Packers. Jerry Glandville, you are truly a king among men. As far as this fucked-up game is concerned, it's a football game set in medieval times where the players wear chain mail and armor and are allowed to have weapons, such as an axe and a broadsword. The best part, though, was if one team was behind the crowd chanted "Bring in the Troll! Bring in the Troll!" Sure enough giant gates would open and a gigantic green Troll would emerge. The Troll was around ten feet taller than all the others, and would kick the shit out of everyone. Now that I can look back at it, what a stupid fucking game this is. I desperately need a life.


2- Michael Vick, Madden '04, PlayStation- 99 speed, a gun for an arm, and the best dog-fight promoter this side of Tijuana. It's almost unfair, really, and he caused the implementation of the "Tecmo Bo" rule- in a two player head-to-head game, all things being equal, you can't take the Falcons. That's some rarefied air. The personal shit aside, he was a hell of a lot of fun to watch play. Come to think of it, what's the big deal about dog fighting? Oh, it's inhumane, monstrous and completely wrong? Well, then, I guess I'm the asshole here. I GUESS I'M THE ASSHOLE HERE.

1- Bo "Tecmo Bo" Jackson, Tecmo Super Bowl, NES- I know it's cliche, and I know everyone already knows about Tecmo Bo, but this video says everything:

The Dallas Cowboys are Cheating Assholes

OK, I may not have proof of this, but sweet Christ-on-a-cracker do I hate the Dallas Cowboys. How could anybody not? Just look at the collection of derelicts and smug dickfaces they've employed over the years: Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Deon Sanders, Leon Lett, Joseph Stalin, Michael "I'm Holding That Crack Pipe for a Friend" Irvin, Adolf Hitler, Charles Haley, Tony Romo (enjoy those herpes Britney Spears rubbed all over you when she gave you that lap dance), and most of all, Terrell Owens. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK Terrell Owens.

I've always hated them, but the game this Thursday vs. the Packers pushed it over the edge. It started right away, with that bullshit "forward progress" call when Al Harris stripped Owens in the first quarter. It was downhill from there, with every time a Packer DB breathed a yellow flag flew in the air. Then they had the nerve to knock the Football Jesus out of the game, no doubt this will result in a swift and horrible punishment from the Football Gods. I'm thinking Wade Phillips' bra brakes in the middle of the 3rd quarter, or something to that effect.

The only good thing about this game was that Aaron Fucking Rodgers almost led them back, and without their best DB (Charles Woodson) and their starting right end (KGB), leading me to conclude that if the Football Jesus hadn't been injured and Mike McCarthy ditched Ray Rhodes' game plan from 1999 and actually went back to the controlled, precision-passing offense that won them ten games in the first place, the Jesus would have led the back to victory. If they meet again in the NFC Championship game, my money is on the Pack.

If only...

... either of these men were still running our country, we would all be drinking the finest wines out of golden-plated bald eagle skulls...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsymvcqVc1s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCrovnNGdSg

Tom Tancredo: Presidential Candidate, Fucking Tool

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2007/08/05/tancredo-defends-threat-to-bomb-muslim-holy-sites/

Tom Tancredo thinks it’s a good idea to retaliate by bombing Mecca if we are attacked by “The Terrorists” again. Also, Tom Tancredo thinks that if we are flooded by illegal Mexican immigrants we should bomb the Christian holy sites in Israel because most of them are Catholic. Tom Tancredo also feels it’s a reasonable idea to bomb Greenland if any “Terrorists” from Iceland attack the homeland because, let’s be honest, nobody thinks they’re different countries.

This is the kind of crap that got us stuck up to our nipples in sand and corpses in Iraq, a complete lack of intellectual curiosity and general ignorance about the world outside our borders. If Tom Tancredo really thinks this, then he is a dangerous and ignorant bastard. It’s almost too obvious, but let’s recap the ways his foreign policy is horribly, horribly wrong:

1- What good would come out of this? Bombing Mecca, Islam’s holiest city, is a purely symbolic act. I think I understand what Tancredo’s real meaning is, that we need to be on the offensive against Saudi Arabia, and I agree- the most recent National Intelligence Estimate showed that they were actually the majority of the insurgent fighters in Iraq killing our soldiers and bombing innocent people. Most of the 9/11 hijackers were Saudis as well, so most of the saber-rattling about Iran funding the insurgency and military action against them is woefully misplaced. However, bombing Mecca would do nothing except encourage and partially legitimize more Islamic fundamentalist fury.

If Tancredo could put a coherent thought together through his fire-and-brimstone haze, he probably would realize that if we needed to attack Saudi Arabia (and by needed to attack I’m not even sure what circumstances would dictate that), an assault on the country’s capital and largest city, Riyadh, would be much more practical, no?

2- A bigger problem with this idea is the general premise of “carpet bombing to exact revenge” theory we have practiced militarily the past forty years. Seriously, have we not gotten the picture yet? Stopping terrorists and terrorist attacks is not going to be stopped my an army, it’s going to be stopped by solid, diligent police work. We’re trying to put out a giant grease fire with a high-pressure water hose- sure, some of it may go out, but we’re not really solving the problem. Flames will still remain, and as long as they’re still around they can spread.

By bombing the shit out of all of these countries we’re not giving their citizens a very good impression of our country. Think about it: people born in the middle east the last twenty-five years have seen us attack Iraq in Kuwait, and invade Afghanistan and Iraq. We also funded a proxy cold war through the Taliban in Afghanistan, stuck our noses into Iranian politics and have bombed several targets in Pakistan. Now, some of these were legitimate causes, but how would you feel about the United States if you were a 22 yr-old unemployed man in Afghanistan?


We’re incredibly lucky we haven’t had any further terrorist attacks in this country, no thanks to the Bush Administration’s unwillingness to fully implement the 9/11 Commission’s recommendations to strengthen our security. Great Britain, on the other hand, is not lucky to have stopped the few terrorist attacks they have, they’ve deserved it, simply because they view fighting terrorism in a different way. They recognize that instead of a “shock and awe” policy, using their police and government law enforcement agencies to combat these things on a micro level. We can’t stop them from trying to attack us, especially by blowing them up. What we can do is respect their culture, withdraw our troops from an occupying position in their countries, and guard our borders with as much intelligence and care as possible. The whole idea of “fighting them over there so they don’t follow us home” is having the opposite effect- we’re disenfranchising hundreds and thousands of people, and this is what will cause them to follow us home.

3- How does Tom Tancredo know that it would be Saudis that attacked us? Here’s a scenario: we bomb Iran. Iran is pissed and attacks Toronto. Canada is now pissed and attacks the Iranians themselves, who ally themselves with the Saudis and the Syrians who Canada is also forced to attack. Of course, the Brits and Americans can’t let a good fight go and now we have a giant clusterfuck of a world war.

Ridiculous? Of course, but who’s to say these things can’t happen in result of this asinine idea? If someone attacks us, we have every right to defend ourselves. That’s why I believe the overthrow of the Taliban, financiers of 9/11, was a legitimate cause. But then we decide it’s a good idea to invade Iraq, which scares the Iranians into thinking they’re next so they step up their nuclear-weapons programs, and on and on and on. Why do we insist on provoking everyone? By taking the fight to the people who deserve it we can act justly. By invading a sovereign country that was no threat to us we just made the mess bigger.

4- Here’s a quote from the genius himself:

“I’m telling you right now that anybody that would suggest that we should take anything like this off the table in order to deter that kind of event in the United States isn’t fit to be president of the United States,” the GOP presidential candidate said.

Tom Casey, a deputy spokesman for the State Department, called the comments “reprehensible” and “absolutely crazy”. Here’s Tom Casey’s official profile from the State Department website:

http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ei/biog/70066.htm

If this guy, who has risen to be the Spokesman for the State Department in George Bush’s administration, thinks you’re crazy for suggesting something like this, then I don’t know what to tell you. This basically means the ignorant chicken hawks that pushed us into this unnecessary war are telling you that you’re too aggressive. This is like Jeffery Dahmer calling another murderer “a real cannibalistic sicko”, but truly meaning it.

What’s the lesson here, kiddies? Voting for Tom Tancredo could be hazardous to our health. Who the fuck are the people giving this guy money, anyway? Oh, right, here’s a nice little list:

http://politicalmoneyline.com/cgi-win/x_candpg.exe?DoFn=P80003429*2008

Food for thought…

Dear "Anonymous":

Thanks for posting and not leaving any way to identify yourself. Very brave to take the time to write a comment and not have to be held accountable. Sadly, it doesn’t surprise me coming from your side of the aisle. If I do have the opportunity to reach you again, I can only assume you’re an avid reader of my blog- in which case I am flattered by your support, attention and love. Thank you.

As for your comments, well, let me be the first to pick apart piece by piece what you said, because it will give me genuine enjoyment. I’ll start with your points chronologically, since they’re all so silly no rhyme or reason can really put them in order.

“It is neither an abuse of power or a perversion of the rule of law. What Bush did was COMPLETELY legal.”

Where in my post did you spot the part where I said what Bush did was illegal? Oh, that’s right, it’s not there. What he did was legal, but it doesn’t make it right. What I said was his actions were a “gross perversion of the Rule of Law as we know it, but also an open and bald-faced abuse of power.” I didn’t say he broke the law, but it WAS a shady and shitty thing to do. He used his legally granted power to give someone a break that didn‘t deserve one. This is my point. And as a matter of fact, I didn’t hear you mention anything about whether or not he deserved the mercy he received. Let me say this as loudly and clearly as I can: SCOOTER LIBBY IS A LYING, MALICIOUS PIECE OF SHIT. He deserved to serve time for betraying his country.

Next, you said:

“He "lied" to a Grand Jury. Out of all the counts the jury found him guilty on, NONE were "lied to a federal prosecutor" Two were lying to a grand jury. You dont have a clue as to what you're taking about.”

Hey, you got me! You’re right, he wasn’t convicted of lying to the prosecutor, it was for lying to the grand jury. In fact, I’ll also throw in the part where you point out he didn’t use his pardon power in this case, which you are technically right again. I used an incorrect term, but he did use his powers to commute Libby’s sentence. Touché. By the way, just out of curiosity, who do you think asked him those questions in front of the grand jury? You may have more insight into this than I, but while under oath in front of a grand jury do they let just anybody question the witnesses? Do random people picked for a jury get to question? Can the janitor walk in, put his mop down and grill someone on the stand? Or was it a prosecutor’s questions he answered? I’m guessing the latter. Just a hunch.

You arguing that I don’t know what I’m talking about is like saying I’m incorrect because I said I was run over by a red Ferrari when in reality I was run over by a red Porsche. I’m not a big car guy, but either way the point is I was run over. But way to go, you pointed out an inaccuracy, that must invalidate my entire argument.

But wait! You said: “He [Bill Clinton] was found guilty of perjury and obstruction of justice. And the penalties wasn’t (sic) so severe. He wasnt kicked out of office. He was only disbarred from practicing law…” Bill Clinton was found guilty by the House and acquitted by the Senate. So you weren’t TECHNICALLY correct. Then, in a separate case, he was disbarred by the state of Arkansas from practicing law for five years, also in a case he was not found guilty of perjury, like Scooter Libby was. Do your inaccuracies invalidate your underlying point?

Next up is my favorite, and I’m so freaking happy you said this:

“Was not covert.”

Really? Have you picked up a newspaper in the last three months? For your education, here’s Patrick Fitzgerald’s filing of an unclassified history of Valerie Plame’s employment history with the CIA, but I’ve posted it on the site as well. Patrick Fitzgerald, by the way, is a Republican appointed by a Republican President, and the Judge presiding over this case and the sentencing is a conservative also appointed under a Republican. Just thought it warranted mentioning.

http://www.salon.com/news/primary_sources/2007/05/30/plame/index.html

Sorry, you can’t make this argument anymore. This proves you’re wrong, and if you got your news from anywhere else but Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly, then you’d probably know the truth. Spouting GOP talking points probably feels safe and familiar to you, but you may want to broaden your horizons a bit.

After this, here was your rebuttal to my statement:
"Regardless of the fact that the Prosecutor did not find anyone had clearly broken a law,"“See? Now you admit that there was no underlying crime. But "regardless of the fact"?”

YES “regardless of the fact”! It’s a criminal investigation! Does the government do this for shits and giggles? You’re a government employee being questioned under oath. Tell the fucking truth. Is that so hard? And now you’re running in circles, because you made a point that it was the grand jury that found him guilty, not the prosecutor. So what the hell are you talking about here? His perjury is separate from the criminal investigation, but a crime as well. I’m not sure why you and your ilk are so quick to point out that the investigation didn’t lead to any other convictions (yet). Obstruction of justice is a crime in and of itself, and he was found guilty. Whatever conclusion the investigation he obstructed (and he did) resulted in has no bearing on his crime.

Your next attack was on my statements regarding the previous administration, the “left” and their double standard in regards to Bill Clinton’s trials and tribulations. When I say “People in our government need to know that they cannot lie, especially when they're under oath. Period” I mean it. To sideswipe that qualifying statement with a broad attack on my entire side of ideology is disingenuous and lame, and I won’t let you get away with it. I am not represented by everyone on the internet you heard defend Clinton, I speak for myself and I say what I mean.

You and I both know too that that entire investigation and many of the allegations against him were politically motivated bullshit. He still can’t lie under oath, and should be held accountable. But these two cases are fundamentally different: a COVERT CIA agent was exposed, a legitimate reason for an investigation, and a legitimate reason to pursue perjury and obstruction charges against someone who didn’t cooperate. The Whitewater prosecution was a political witch hunt of the most disgusting and unnecessary degree. Even if you wouldn’t admit this to your Bush loving friends you know it’s true.

As for the names you requested I Google, I did, and Bill Clinton shouldn’t have pardoned either of those men. I wasn’t aware he did, but what he did was just as slimy as what Bush did. You make me out to be a Clinton apologist, and I am in no way. He behaved unbecoming of a President on many occasions, which I have always said. But does the fact that others have done this make it O.K.?

Also, here is a neat little difference between the behavior of our two Presidents, though: Clinton’s indiscretions were to cover up an affair that hurt him and his wife. Bush’s indiscretions involve illegally spying on American citizens (check out the FISA laws), imprisoning people without due process (they’re human beings, they deserve it regardless of what they’ve done or what we think of them), and most importantly pushing a case of flawed intelligence in order to send our country to a needless war directly resulting in the deaths of 3,500 US soldiers and thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands of Iraqi nationals. Again, you cannot rationally compare the two.

And finally, your last statement:
“And you havent a clue as to what the founding Fathers envisioned.”

Let me ask you a question: do you think the Founding Fathers would approve of this? Was this in the spirit of what they were trying to accomplish? One of the main tenants of their work was the system of checks and balances put in place to stop the President from ruling unchecked and at whim. In fact, many scholars argue that the Founding Fathers never intended the office of the Presidency to have even close to the power it holds today. The modern Presidency is something completely different, and the current administration has, yes, PERVERTED it to new extremes.
In fact, here is a little something from the Notes of Debate from the Constitutional Convention in regards to the powers of the President that I think you may want to brush up on:

Art: II. Sect. 2. "he shall have power to grant reprieves and pardons for offences against the U. S. &c"
Mr. RANDOLPH moved to "except cases of treason." The prerogative of pardon in these cases was too great a trust. The President may himself be guilty. The Traytors may be his own instruments.
Col: MASON supported the motion.
Mr. Govr. MORRIS had rather there should be no pardon for treason, than let the power devolve on the Legislature.
Mr. WILSON. Pardon is necessary for cases of treason, and is best placed in the hands of the Executive. If he be himself a party to the guilt he can be impeached and prosecuted.
Mr. KING thought it would be inconsistent with the Constitutional separation of the Executive & Legislative powers to let the prerogative be exercised by the latter. A Legislative body is utterly unfit for the purpose. They are governed too much by the passions of the moment. In Massachusetts, one assembly would have hung all the insurgents in that State: the next was equally disposed to pardon them all. He suggested the expedient of requiring the concurrence of the Senate in Acts of Pardon.
Mr. MADISON admitted the force of objections to the Legislature, but the pardon of treasons was so peculiarly improper for the President that he should acquiesce in the transfer of it to the former, rather than leave it altogether in the hands of the latter. He would prefer to either an association of the Senate as a Council of advice, with the President.
Mr. RANDOLPH could not admit the Senate into a share of the Power. the great danger to liberty lay in a combination between the President & that body.

Is it possible that the directive for Libby to lie, cover up or obstruct came from either the Vice-President or President himself? Would that really truly surprise anyone? If that is the case, then this dialogue is incredibly pertinent and insightful. The Founding Fathers were worried that what just happened would happen, and they felt it would be wrong. We probably won’t know either way, but it’s improper for Clinton or Bush pull this kind of thing.

I think I have a pretty good idea of what the Founding Fathers wanted their country to look like, and I can say with confidence that they didn’t intend for the bullying, corrupt thinly veiled theocracy we have now. George W. Bush regularly wipes his ass with the Constitution, and there’s a hell of a lot of us (70% of the country at last check) that are sick and tired of it.

R.I.P., Rule of Law

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/07/20070702-3.html

Above you'll find the signing statement from President Bush in regards to his commuting of Scooter Libby's jail term. This represents not only a gross perversion of the Rule of Law as we know it, but also an open and bald-faced abuse of power that only demonstrates how little regard our President has for our own legal system and the intelligence of our citizenry.

Scooter Libby lied to a Federal Prosecutor investigating the very serious case of an information leak that compromised the identity of a covert agent in the C.I.A. Regardless of the fact that the Prosecutor did not find anyone had clearly broken a law, in the process of his investigation he found that Scooter Libby, Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, purposely and egregiously lied and attempted to obstruct the prosecution of justice in this investigation. This is a crime, and a very serious one.

People in our government need to know that they cannot lie, especially when they're under oath. Period. And President Bush's argument that "I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive" is ridiculous. Hundreds of people every year are convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice and are handed similar fines, but because Scooter Libby a good soldier for the neocon cause and Dick Cheney's hatchet man, he shouldn't have to serve time.

Ninja please! This only demonstrates the need for our elected officials to be subject to harsher penalties and fines because they are the ones charged with carrying out and upholding the Rule of Law itself. If this investigation was not valid in the first place, then why did Bush's own Justice Department refer this for criminal investigation? If government officials are caught lying under oath, they need to know they are going to be held responsible. If under oath, how many of these lifetime bureaucrats supposedly charged with running our government would tell the truth if they knew that the consequence was serving some time in a Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison? My guess is all of them.

This goes across the board, Democrats of course should be held to the same standard. President Clinton granted some extremely shady pardons at the end of his term, although none of them were for people from his own administration who he decided to let free. Still, if he had been found guilty without a shadow of a doubt that he lied to the investigators from Kenneth Starr's office (no matter how bogus the investigation was in the first place), he should have been subject to the same consequences as anyone else.

Does nobody else see the ridiculousness of someone from your administration committing a crime and then pardoning them for it? It basically means that you can break laws as you see fit, and you won't have to deal with the consequences as long as you've got a sympathetic ear in the Oval Office. What complete and udder bullshit. I imagine this is how the Kremlin was run under Stalin, or how illegitimate iron-fisted Dictators in African countries trying to uphold the sham of "legitimacy" and "democracy" operate: let your own break the law, and then absolve them of their sins when they're caught. This cannot be how our Founding Fathers envisioned the Presidential powers of pardon to be used.

Prediction #1: President Bush grants a full pardon for Scooter Libby just before his term is up, if not well before.
Prediction #2: Scooter Libby gains employment from a large corporation which just happens to be a large Republican donor within the next couple of years. As for President Bush's statement in regards to this:

"My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Libby. The reputation he gained through his years of public service and professional work in the legal community is forever damaged. His wife and young children have also suffered immensely. He will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long-lasting."

This too is a steaming pile of horse shit. Scooter Libby, even without the full pardon, will get a six-figure job somewhere else and live a happy, fat, rich life. Fuck him and fuck the rest of the people that have no respect for the laws they were elected to uphold. It's time to get someone else in office that will.

Welcome...

... to my blog. To be honest, I never thought I'd have a blog, it seemed kind of stupid. And maybe it is, but I have way, way to much time on my hands and this is better than taxidermy. After seeing how influential and prevalent blogs have become, I decided I needed one because I am petty, egotistical and insecure. Also, after realizing how many readers some blogs get despite being overwhelmingly sloppy and lame, I figured that having this blog would bring me wealth and power beyond my wildest dreams. Unrealistic? No. And fuck you for thinking so. Anyway, the opinions here are mine and mine alone, and I invite you to call me on my bullshit (which you will have numerous opportunities to), as I figure this is the only way to keep me honest. Mahalo.