ANYWAY, please direct your questions about life, death and everything in between to tadghostly@hotmail.com, and maybe you'll be lucky enough to have a reply from me in one of "Ghost's Super-Terrific Happy-Time Awesomeness Advice" posts. This posting, coincidentally, is actually the first one! You're welcome in advance.
My first question comes from Lukas in Des Moines, Iowa.
Dear Ghost,
Love your blog, but I have a serious problem I'd appreciate your help with: I have a massive rat infestation in my home! I swear to god they're everywhere- my kitchen, my basement, even my bedroom. Needless to say this has even impacted my love life, and not in good way- how could I take a woman back to my home (even if I paid her), with these rats scurrying to-and-fro? Thanks for your help.
Lukas,
Des Moines, Iowa
Well Lukas, sounds like you do have a serious problem. Not only are rats unsanitary, they are generally considered the hardest to get rid of in all of the Rodent Kingdom, which has a surprisingly complex hierarchy. For instance, Squirrels are the obvious king-princes of the rodents, by far the most social and financially well-off due to their constant hording of nuts and long-term mutual funds, although many of the other rodents consider them to be arrogant and kind of full of themselves. If they went to college, they would be the frat brothers with pastel polo shirts and popped-collars who call each other "bro" and get way, way into it when they have a few drinks and karaoke to that song "Rock Star" by Nickelback. If you know a squirrel, you know what I'm talking about. Douches.
Next we have the beavers, and as every knows nobody parties like a motherfuckin' beaver. They have, however, been known to take it to extremes- beavers can go on booze-filled benders for an entire warm season, then sleep their hangovers off for an entire winter. These guys are hard-core. Here's a tip: if a beaver ever attempts to get you to smoke a blunt with it, do not under any circumstances. I was hanging out with some beavers one night and a blunt was passed to me. I smoked some, and I don't remember much after that until I woke up wearing a clown suit in a pile of hay with my arm elbow-deep in a llama's throat and smelling of raw fish and shame. Point is they lace that shit, I think it was angel dust. Do Not, I repeat, Do Not get wet with a beaver.
Gerbils are another rodent to be wary of. Let's just be honest here, gerbils are goddamn perverts. I'm sure you're familiar with how people let them crawl up their asses for sexual pleasures, but have you ever wondered how they actually get them up there? Getting animals to do anything is difficult, my cat won't sit still for a vet appointment for christsakes. So how, you may inquire, do they get gerbils to do this? It's because they want to. They actually like crawling up people's asses and giving them butthole pleasures. They are creepy animals, and never leave one alone around your kids or Richard Gere.
There are other rodents that present their own unique problems- guinea pigs are slobs, they never do their dishes or shower on a regular basis. I had a roommate who was a guinea pig, and he always left his dirty guinea pig socks in our living room. They were argyle. Gophers are the practical jokers of the rodent kingdom, always creating elaborate set-ups for hilarious pranks- like the time they started that giant wildfire out in California. Good times!
Porcupines are the worst, so be glad, Lukas, that you don't have a porcupine infestation in your home. These guys are seriously a bunch of dicks. They party like beavers, smell worse than guinea pigs, like to play jokes like gophers (except their jokes involve screwing your girlfriend and peeing in your shampoo bottles), and they're almost as big of douche bags as squirrels, but not quite. Fuckin' porkies.
That brings us to rats. First off, Lukas, you need to identify which type of rat has infested your home. There are several kinds, each with it's own different strengths and weaknesses.
The Robot Rat: this type of rat can be very difficult to get rid of. Because they're half-rodent, half-robot, they can survive almost any type of attack. My advice: confound their artificial intelligence by dropping a question with circular logic that cannot be answered. For instance: If you're eating breakfast, and one of the robot rats scurries onto your table, and starts blathering their binary-code robot squeaking at you, put down your spoon and calmly ask them: "Robot Rat, can you help me with a question? This grapefruit I've been eating has been puzzling me. Can you tell me which came first, the grapefruit which contains the seeds, or the seed of the grapefruit which allows the grapefruit tree to grow?" This will work because on top of being robotic, robot rats are intellectually vain and will want to answer your question correctly. Because there is no answer, his head may explode. This is not what you want; what you want is for the rat to go ask the other rats, then have all of their heads explode with the complexity of the question. This should work, but you may have to ask a few different rats.
Mutant rat: This can be a problem. Depending on how this rat mutated, it may have special abilities. Hopefully these particular rats did not mutate into humanoid ninjas, because if they did you're fucked for a couple different reasons: 1- judging my your stupid name and the stupid city you live in, Lukas, you yourself are not a ninja. Therefore, there is no way you could possibly defeat a ninja in battle, let alone an mutant rat ninja. 2- You possibly could hire a pirate to defeat the ninjas, but it would have to be a mutant cat pirate- a mutant rat ninja's natural enemy. Good luck finding a mutant cat pirate. You may want to consider moving, or beginning ninja training.
Canadian rat: These rats are actually very polite, and mostly white. They thrive on cold weather and Celine Dion songs, so if you've been listening to a lot of Celine Dion lately, this may have attracted them. Also, you listen to Celine Dion, and now everyone knows. This may be a bigger problem than the rats. Still, this is a pretty easy one. It's very well known that Canadian rats love french fries and gravy, so you need to set up a constant survailance. I'm talking high-tech microscopic hidden cameras everywhere around your house, so you can study their habits. You need to set up a sting where the rats are eating a big pile of fries and gravy, then you need to create a diversion. Once you've distracted the rats, perhaps with another sexy female rat you hired to work undercover for you (note: make sure undercover rat is not a double agent actually working for the Canadian rats), you need to slip some rat poision into it's fries and gravy. The rats will surely die, but you may feel bad since the Canadian rats were pretty nice guys. Still, you can't have them sitting around your house watching hockey all day, drinking Molson and spreading socialism. This is America, motherfucker. These Colors Don't Run.
Ordinary rat: Call an exterminator, you dumbass.
Again, you're welcome, Lukas. Keep those questions coming.
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