Waaaaay too much time on my hands

My friend Jeff, in posting on my blog on my unending hatred of the Dallas Cowboys, brought up an interesting point. He mentioned how much he hates Terrell Owens in real life, but loves video game Terrell Owens. This got me thinking about how much I play video games, and how much of a disgusting slob I really am. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being not lazy at all and 10 being Homer Simpson from the episode where he got purposely fat so he became disabled, wore a mumu and waved a broom handle at neighborhood kids that taunted him lazy, I'd say I'm right around a 6.5. I haven't gotten to the point of wearing a mumu yet (projected date: March 2010), but I certainly have come home shithaused from the bar, started playing a game of Madden, passed out in a drunken stupor on my couch, awoke the next afternoon to find to my delight that I paused the game in the middle, and simply started playing again when I woke up. Maybe I shouldn't be telling people these things.

ANYWAY, I also got to thinking about the different sports video game characters over the years, and how much this has shaped my opinion of them in real life, and vice versa. So I've decided to come up with a comprehensive list of these characters, because this will be way more fun than working. In no particular order:


11- Jon Sundvold, Tecmo NBA Basketball, NES- Who is Jon Sundvold, you ask? Only the deadliest 3-point threat ever to inhabit a video game. He was on the Miami Heat, and from the top of the key he simply could not be stopped. He also might rival Jud Buechler for the "Jeff Hornacek Memorial Dorkiest White Guy to Play in the NBA in the Last 20 Years" award. Seriously, look at him. I had no idea he actually existed until I discovered him on this game, and to be honest I think he is a sophisticated long-range shooting android created in an attempt to take over the basketball world. Unfortunately, his creators forgot to include some minor details to his game: jumping ability, speed, ball handling skills, and any ability to play defense. Other than that, bang up job diabolical basketball scientists! He works for ESPN as a college basketball analyst now, and I also suspect that he exists only as a head, much like the heads kept in jars on Futurama.


10- Rod Woodson, Tecmo Super Bowl, SNES- After worshiping at the altar of Tecmo Super Bowl for regular Nintendo, needless to say I was psyched to dive into the new version on Super Nintendo. It was 16 fucking bits of pure sexual anticipation, and of course it was a giant letdown. It looked like the original but sure as hell didn't play like the original. "Hey, let's take out all of the unrealistic superhuman abilities of the players that made the first games fun, but keep the graphics shitty!" seemed to be their motto on this one. There was, however, one shining beacon of redemption on this game, and it came in the persona of one Rod Woodson. Faster than everyone on defense, unstoppable on kick returns, he was a beast. I was a huge Rod Woodson fan in real life because of this. I also loved him because when I first played this game at my friend Valley's house, I made him literally cry tears of rage and watched him trash his basement as Woodson would jog untouched into the end zone after my 3rd kickoff return for a TD in a row. I love seeing people lose their shit.


9- Brian Bosworth, Tecmo Bowl, NES- Just kidding. But seriously, this is a sweet excuse to include a picture of the Boz. Fuckin' Boz.


8- The Laser Robot, Base Wars, NES- The ultimate weapon. I can't even go into this one, but if you've played the game you know. The Laser is unstopable. Also, a certian teacher from North Carolina does a sublime air guitar to the theme song to this game.


7- The Fat Guy, Ice Hockey, NES- You could only choose from three different guys that all looked the same- a skinny guy, a medium guy and the fat guy. The Fat Guy was by far my favorite, despite his much slower skating ability and his penchant for taking 5 minutes to get up off of the ice, he could kick the shit out of the other guys, and had the slap shot of a Norse god, and for that I love him. This has also helped me see obese people in a different light, teaching me to consider their virtues in spite of the fact their rolls are hanging over their arm rests and encroaching on my personal space in my tiny airplane seat. See, video games are enlightening and good for society.


6- Lawrence Taylor, Tecmo Super Bowl, NES- LT is the best. Even before he went on "60 Minutes" and entertained us with tales of sending drugs and prostitutes to opponent's hotel rooms before games, even before he entertained us with an incomparable turn as a drug-addled flamboyant linebacker in "Any Given Sunday" (A dive into method acting that even DiNiro is envious of), even before he entertained us with his constant drug abuse and revolving-door rehab frequenting, LT was entertaining us as a demon on the football field as a part of Tecmo Super Bowl. No shit, I recorded almost 100 sacks in a single season with LT. He was, of course, faster than all the other players, but the best thing about him was if his health rating was "excellent", you didn't even have to grapple with blockers and kill your thumb slamming the "A" button over and over again, because the blockers would fucking bounce off of you and fly fifteen yards down field! What was that repelling off the blockers? A force field of cocaine, rage and self-loathing, perhaps? Whatever it was, LT is the shit, and sometimes I am scared he is hiding under my bed waiting to rape me. Not because he would like it, just because he's bored on a Tuesday night and Bill Parcells told him to. I swear, one time I saw the flash of his lightning-bolt dangling earring down there. I think I know how Joe Theisman feels now. I might need to talk to someone.


5- Chet Lemon, RBI Baseball, NES- RBI Baseball is the shit, and there are a ton of great players on this game, but the one that always seemed to come up big was Chet "Motherfuckin" Lemon. Big home runs, a sweet flat top fade... it doesn't get much better. Plus, he has his own beer. How kick-ass is that?


4- Terry Glenn, Madden '03, XBox- Fuck you Terry Glenn. Fuck you in the face. You know what you did, but let's recap: whined your way out of New England, then got my hopes up by coming to Green Bay. Then, as you are wont to do, the sand in your vagina became too much to handle and you ended up whining your way out of Green Bay, only to end up playing solid for the Dallas Cowboys the last few years. On top of all that, you were the biggest d-bag ever to grace a Madden game. Wide open over the middle? You'll drop it. Running play outside? You'll let the cornerback push you on your ass. In a nutshell, you suck at real football, Madden football, and life in general. Also, nice hair.


3- The Troll, Jerry Glandville's PigSkin Footbrawl- How obscure of a reference is this? I love Jerry Glandville for the following things: playing for Northern Michigan, letting his name be attached to easily the most bizarre football game ever made, and of course the biggest: trading the Football Jesus to the Packers. Jerry Glandville, you are truly a king among men. As far as this fucked-up game is concerned, it's a football game set in medieval times where the players wear chain mail and armor and are allowed to have weapons, such as an axe and a broadsword. The best part, though, was if one team was behind the crowd chanted "Bring in the Troll! Bring in the Troll!" Sure enough giant gates would open and a gigantic green Troll would emerge. The Troll was around ten feet taller than all the others, and would kick the shit out of everyone. Now that I can look back at it, what a stupid fucking game this is. I desperately need a life.


2- Michael Vick, Madden '04, PlayStation- 99 speed, a gun for an arm, and the best dog-fight promoter this side of Tijuana. It's almost unfair, really, and he caused the implementation of the "Tecmo Bo" rule- in a two player head-to-head game, all things being equal, you can't take the Falcons. That's some rarefied air. The personal shit aside, he was a hell of a lot of fun to watch play. Come to think of it, what's the big deal about dog fighting? Oh, it's inhumane, monstrous and completely wrong? Well, then, I guess I'm the asshole here. I GUESS I'M THE ASSHOLE HERE.

1- Bo "Tecmo Bo" Jackson, Tecmo Super Bowl, NES- I know it's cliche, and I know everyone already knows about Tecmo Bo, but this video says everything: