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The Sweet/Weak List, Vol. 3

I am so fucking hung over my eyes are bleeding. Last night was my buddy's bachelor party, and I thought it would be a good idea to drink 10 beers without any food in my stomach, eat a bit, then drink about sixty more, topped off with a few splashes of single-malt scotch. I woke up this morning in the back of my car, roasting in the sun like a fucking ham, my socks lost, all my money gone, mysterious bruises on my abdomen, and a half-eaten piece of pizza in my hand. Needless to say I am not so chipper today. I was at the grocery store earlier and this little old lady was taking forever checking out, and it took all of my willpower not to punch her in the throat and burn the store to the ground. You hear that old ladies at the grocery store? HURRY THE FUCK UP YOU DECREPIT OLD BITTY! EITHER CHECK OUT OR GO DIE IN A DITCH!

Wow am I an asshole. On to the list.

Sweet:


1- The Dark Knight- I will admit I was ready to be let down by this movie. I loved the first one, Batman Begins, and the hype surrounding this was so incredibly ridiculous that I thought there was no way it could live up to it. Then I saw the movie and had twelve consecutive brain orgasms from sheer awesomeness. This movie was so fucking sweet I can't even handle it. Heath Ledger was fantastic, disgusting, frightening and hilarious all at the same time. It really fucking sucks he's dead, because it seems like he was just getting started on an incredible career. Maggie Gyllenhal is about 560 times better an actor than Katie Holmes, and the special effects on Two Face were outstanding. In fact, we're seeing a string of quality comic book movies unprecedented up until this point: The Spiderman trilogy, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, the first two X-Men (the third one never happened), and now the Batman movies all range from solid to outstanding. And if the upcoming Watchmen movie were a woman, I would make sweet, tender, passionate love to her. Just kidding, I would teabag her, then Superman that ho. Dirty, dirty Watchmen movie. What was I talking about?


2- My Beard- I had a dream earlier in the year that I had long hair and a beard. Logically, then, I decided to grow long hair and a beard, because I always take my dreams literally. That's why I often went to school naked. Anyway, I of course proceeded to grow the most phenomenal beard known to man. What's that you say? It looks like pubic hair glued on to my face? Good point, but let me retort by saying FUCK OFF. This beard says to the world "Look who finally went through puberty!" Women were powerless to it's awesomeness. And by powerless I mean repelled and disgusted. I am so very, very lonely.


3- Miguel Cabrera- He's 25, hit 8 home runs, had 31 RBI, and hit .330 in the month of July. He is five kinds of awesome, and he's signed for the next fifty years. I don't care what they traded for him, or that Dontrelle Willis instantly forgot how to throw a strike when he came to the American League, or that the Tigers paid him $500 million dollars, he's worth it.

4- Bluetooth Headsets- Let me be clear: these are the scourge of the earth, and everyone I see wearing one I want to kick their teeth down their throat, then drown them with my urine. So why are they on the Sweet list? Because I realized that while irritating, unnecessary and incredibly lame, they're an excellent indicator of douchebaggery in an individual. They're wonderful time savers: if I see someone wearing one of these, I immediately know they're a Grade-A choad and steer clear. So thank you, Bluetooth, for acting as a warning symbol that says "Hey- there is 100% chance that I'm an incredible asshole and listen to Nickelback. Avoid me at all costs, and if you can, run my car off the road into a concrete embankment so I die in a fiery explosion and don't pollute the world with any more douche bags like me".

5- The W. Era Nearing the End- Less than five months and counting. I think I might throw a party where we construct a giant W. doll and literally burn it in effigy, then piss on the ashes. Did I mention I wasn’t too fond of his version of the White House? Sayonara, A-hole.

6- Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!- The funniest, weirdest shit on T.V. right now. This clip is pure brilliance:


And this one for good measure...

Weak:

1- Reality Television- I was flipping through the channels a while ago, and I stumbled across a show called “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated”. With a name like “It’s Complicated”, I figured I’d hear Ms. Richards giving original proofs to solve differential equations, or opine on her newest piece of economic game theory, or dissect the age-old Palistian-Israeli territorial conflict, but to my surprise it was her bitching about Charlie Sheen and complaining about how hard it is being a single mother. When you’re filthy rich. And you probably get $50K/mo in alimony. And have five servants and live in a mansion. If I wasn’t such a gentleman, I might say something negative about her here.

Instead, I chose to make a point about the genre in general. My point being: reality television just might be the signal of the end of Western critical thought as we know it. Are we that trite, that bored, that fucking lazy that instead of making our own lives exciting or meaningful, or watching poignant and artful works of fiction, we instead have to watch other people live out their lives? And not even interesting or useful lives, at that. If there was a reality show following around George W. Bush behind the scenes as he was President, making decisions that affect literally millions of lives, that might be worthwhile to watch. Maybe. But watching Denise Richards dress up her dogs in sweaters and smell her own farts is just too much. She is a vapid, talentless, idiotic suckubus. Did I say I wouldn’t say anything negative about her? Whoops. Anyway, how could you possibly find that interesting? If you like this kind of shit I hate you. I’m not kidding. Let’s just move on.

2- The Detroit Tigers Bullpen- Where to begin with this goddamned mess? I just watched Fernando Rodney come into a game with a 1-run lead, then proceed to walk the first hitter he faced, peg the second one in the chest, give up a run-scoring single, then walk home the winning run. How in god’s name do you become the closer of an MLB team without the ability to throw a strike? The only upside of him being the closer is that he’s not Todd Jones. I won’t kick a man when he’s down, seeing as he just lost the closer’s job, but let’s just say that performance by Rodney was carrying on Jones’ flame quite nicely. The worst part of all this is they knew they had to get some help if they wanted to compete for the division title this year, so they used their best trading chip (Pudge Rodriguez) and turned him into… wait for it… Kyle Fucking Farnsworth. The same Kyle Farnsworth that came into this game today in the 8th with a 2-run lead and walked off the mound down by one. Soo-purb. I’m sure this will end well.


3- The Football Jesus- This one truly breaks my heart. The latest is the Packers have decided to let him come to camp and compete for the starting quarterback job. They don’t really have a choice in the matter, seeing as no other NFL team is willing to trade anything of value for him, and it would be the biggest p.r. disaster of the last century if he suited up for another team. Despite the fact they offered to take him back after he retired and he turned them down, after he gave them his decision that he wouldn’t play anymore, causing them to commit to Aaron Rodgers as their starting quarterback, he decides a few weeks before training camp he wants to play again, then has the fucking balls to tell the Packers to release him or trade him to a division rival so he can play against them. This is a selfish, selfish asshole move. You made the decision to retire, live with it. The kicker is Rodgers is probably never re-signing with the Packers after this next year, and they’ll have to draft and groom another quarterback which could take years. If I have to go back to the 4-12 days because Farve wanted to play one more year, thus fucking the team over for several thereafter, then I don’t know what. I probably won’t do anything, maybe write some angry, poorly written posts on my blog. Yeah, that seems about right.

All that being said, I hope he ends up being the quarterback, because he is, after all, the Football Jesus.

4- Obama caving on the FISA bill- When you said you were against immunity for the telecom companies under any circumstances, many believed you. I really, really, really hope you’re not taking the lame “running to the middle” strategy that cost Al Gore and John Kerry the last two elections. Bad, bad idea.


5- Quakers- Nothing has changed. You hear that, Wilford Brimley? You keep pimping those Quaker Oats and you’ll see what happens. Nothing good. Goddamn Quakers.