Thursday, December 31, 2009

Ghost vs. Pope: Point Counterpoint


Does God care about your child’s Christmas pageant?

In this season of giving there is much going on and you’ve put a lot of effort into your eldest child’s school Christmas pageant.

Long hours spent rehearsing lines to ensure he/she performs like the special little snowflake they are. Many nights relaxation given up to aid the somewhat overzealous drama teacher in building ‘authentic’ first century manger sets (but that’s okay because if we can’t put in a solid effort this time of year, when can we?). And a slight level of neglect to your spouse and other child(ren) as you’ve focused a large portion of your last month on a 1 hour show involving 2 dozen children (who are all special).

Given all of this, one has to ask, does God, The Most Divine, King of Kings, Yahweh, Light of Light, Elohim, Giver of All that is Good, really have time to care about, and pay attention to your child’s pageant? Of COURSE He does. There is no way whatsoever that God would focus on anything or anywhere else for that magical hour December 24th.

COUNTERPOINT:

With all due respect, Pope, you are an ignorant, smelly whore. You're missing the point entirely. I will concede that all of the joyous singing and celebration and sweet cherubic souls making merriment MIGHT get the attention of God. But you know who cares more? This guy:



That's right boys and girls, it's Satan. Lucifer. The Devil. Trevor (some of his names are better than others). And he cares WAY more than lame-ass God. Just look at him: Rocking out with his cock out with that sweet axe. Robert Johnson sold his soul to him at the crossroads to become the best blues guitar player ever. Led Zepplin made a pact with him and were bestowed the power of Rock.

It's quite well known that Satan will make deals- it happens every day. But God? He doesn't bargain. How often have people bargained with Him to cure their cancer, to save them from death, to make them rich, to grant them their wishes, and how often does he come through? NEVER. God doesn't give a shit. Look at what He did to Haiti- you have to admit that was kind of a dick move. The Devil? He HELPS people (for a price, of course). God is an aloof dick sitting high on his horse looking down at us and JUDGING everything we do. Who needs that kind of pressure? Satan doesn't judge, he loves you for who you are. He's not so hung up on "rules" and "commandments". Dedicating your holiday pageant to God instead of Satan is a critical mistake: instead of boring church songs and crappy line-readings and poorly-built sets, you could have Satan help you out with things. Think of it: the power to see your kids rocking the fuck out and melting faces with their sweet guitar riffs, all the pyrotechnics you could imagine, awesome, professionally built sets that rise from the ground and blow your mind.

Now think about which you would rather see... thought so. Parents: Think about how much time and effort you put in to making something so crappy and boring that not even the kids want to be in. Do the right thing: put on a Satanbration(TM) instead of a Christmas pageant, it will be worth it. For now, anyway.

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