How can I be Awesome?

Dear Pope,
I want to be more awesome like you, but I don’t k now how. I’ve run with the bulls, taken shots with Russel Crowe, and even met the President yet nothing seems to make me as totally awesome as you. What can I do
-Cardinal Awesome

Cardinal. First off, you’re not a Cardinal. I know for a fact you haven’t met the Higher Power and earned that title. No, not ‘God’ you moron. The Space Pope. Obviously you don’t know, so we’ll move on.

Let’s look at this from outside if we can. What defines awesome? Is it inherent? Can it be learned? Taught? Is awesome related to the sole individual or is it dependent on who said individual hangs out with? Do accessories or styles make awesome? Can you pop a collar, get a tattoo, or wear eye liner and become awesome?

You ran with the bulls? How about swam against the sharks off the Cape of Good Hope?
You drank with some kind of celebrity? How about taking vodka shots on the space station with the Russian chimp as you reenter Earth’s atmosphere?
You met the president? Who @#)$*%^ cares!? I bumped into a guy on the street the other day. Was he a businessman? An assassin with the ability to curve bullets? A parallel Earth version of Charlton Heston who never got on board with ape hatred? The fuck if I know! Or care! Or am going to go telling people about!

How can I be awesome? I don’t know. Not be you. You sucks. You is not interesting, not famous, has no amazing skills. What you’re really trying to do here is to be me. Which you can’t. It’s just not possible. You could attempt to become more interesting; fighting geriatric German grandmother’s for fun and profit. More famous; kill all the members of Nickelback and wear their heads like hats. Gain more amazing skills; drink a 5th of wild turkey and then totally smoke that Asian kid at hot dog eating contests while simultaneously banging his mom. But ultimately, you’re still you, not me. There’s just no getting around it.

You could try some extreme level existentialistic, paranormal, breaking-down-the-4th-wall shit that would make you not you, but at that point 2+2 wouldn’t equal 4, you’d end up making out with some dead fish god, and your consciousness would stop caring about being awesome, making the whole point moot. So, the answer is no. You can’t be more awesome.

You sick necrophilic fuck!