Ghost's Vacation Blog!

I know everyone out there has been dying of Ghost-related deprivation, so I've decided to blog my week-long siesta back home to Ghostville. I will update daily. Enjoy.

Saturday-

7:50 pm- pull into town, immediately go to Grandma's house to visit Grandma. Grandma is old, frail and Austrian, taunt Grandma into arm-wrestling match by loudly proclaiming "All Austrians are the Kaiser's bitch! Archduke Franz Ferdinand had it coming!" Easily pin Grandma in arm-wrestling match, celebrate by strutting around the room doing Mick Jagger's rooster dance. While celebrating, Grandma clandestinely pulls 8' bowie knife out of her boot, before I know it I'm pinned to the wall with a razor-sharp blade at my throat. Grandma tells me "This blade has spilled more Commie Ruski blood than Rasputin himself. And this blade is thirsty!" Quickly use superior judo reverse arm-bar hold to turn her away. Flee Grandma's house, terrified, as she yells profanities at me in German.

8:26 pm- hit the local bar with Ghost, Sr. Get into doubles pool match with local yokels, easily defeat them, celebrate with shots of whiskey and bacon grease.

1:00 am- try to go to sleep, but keep hearing Grandma screaming German profanities at me. Wonder if she'll come to spill my blood. Sleep with loaded Desert Eagle .50 cal under my pillow.

Sunday-



9:07 am- awake to smells of Mother Ghost cooking breakfast. Hungrily devour breakfast of steak, eggs, bacon, steak-fried bacon, bacon and eggs stuffed steak, scrambled egg soup with bacon broth, and more steak. Wash it all down with a hot cup of bacon grease. Have some bacon shaped like a chocolate bar for desert.

9:25 am- have seconds of Mother Ghost's breakfast.

9:48 am- go to sleep until Monday.

Monday-

11:47 am- venture out to Lake Michigan with Ghost, Sr. for a fishing expedition. Our cargo: two half-gallons of Wild Turkey, a cooler full of ice and a 30-pack of PBR, a nitrous tank, a bacon cake containing two pounds of magic mushrooms, two gas masks, a shotgun, a crossbow, a .50 cal Desert Eagle, and a net.

12:01 pm- after finishing each of the half-gallons of Wild Turkey, half the PBR, and the bacon-mushroom cake, Ghost, Sr. repeatedly fires shotgun into water off of the side of the boat. Nothing turns up. Apparently fish aren't biting today.



12:50 pm- out of boredom, fire crossbow into Ghost, Sr.'s ass while he is bent over inhaling from the nitrous tank. Ghost, Sr. forgets to tell me the arrows are laced with poison and exploding tips. Explosion blows up the nitrous tank and the boat.

12:51 pm- find Ghost, Sr. floating unconscious, draped over the cooler. Move Ghost, Sr. to get to cooler, shotgun remaining beers floating in water.

12:57 pm- waves are large, so surf Ghost, Sr.'s lifeless body to safely to shore. Preform secret Ghost-Ninja revival techniques, bring Ghost, Sr. back to life.

12:59 pm- Ghost, Sr. is enraged I brought him back to life, says he was crushing it in the afterlife, had Vishnu in a headlock when I brought him back. Challenges me to whiskey drinking contest and slaps me in the face. I accept.

1:14 pm- at Ghostville bar, Ghost, Sr. drinks me under the table, I pass out. Ghost, Sr. invites various local barflies to deface me with magic markers and their own bodily fluids.

Tuesday-



6:40 am- awake tied to the mast of a 35' cutter yacht named The Duke. Realize the cutter is pulling into port somewhere along the northern Lake Superior shore to Canadian land. Vow eternal revenge on Ghost, Sr.

9:33 am- after a breakfast of french fries and gravy, decide that since I'm in Canada already, might as well make some changes. Travel to capital city, Ottawa, use superior Ghost intellect to convince them to change their government from the silly representative republic/socialism blend they've employed for the last 200+ years to good ol' US of A capitalism. Get entire Canadian legislature changing "USA! USA! USA!" Also pass legislation to require Mounties change their uniforms from the lame red-coat-and-wide-brown-brim bullshit they've had to ultra-sweet new Ninja costumes. Pass more legislation to convince national army to attack one small, defenseless country every three years, preferably with gigantic bombs. Before I return, stalk, hunt, then ritualistically murder and dismember each member of the band Nickleback in front of their respective families. Impregnate their wives with little Ghosts, which in nine months will jump-kick their way out of their mother's uteri, then start a band named "Fuck Yes!", record eleven platinum records and bring world peace.

6:47 pm- return back to Ghostville.

More to come...