The Sweet/Weak List, Vol. 2

I’m like a bear awakening from hibernation. I’m just starting to pull out of the sleepy funk that is the gawd-fucking-awful winter of Michigan, and I’m ready to start hunting small animals and eating them. And by hunting small animals and eating them, I mean getting drunk on a boat, huffing ether and shooting guns at fish into the water, stuffing the ether rags into the empty beer bottles, lighting the rags and throwing the booze-ether bombs at the fish carcasses floating to the top of the water. I’d say the metaphor is pretty clear, you unimaginative jackass. Plus, how else do you fish? With a pole? Not high on ether? Whatever, Quaker.

So, to celebrate the impending horrific sight of my pasty-white albino skin roasting in the sun, here’s an all-new Sweet/Weak List: Summer edition.

Sweet

1: Drinking- What did you think was going to be first? My favorite summer drinks:

Oberon- This beer tastes like summer. Sunshine in a goddamn bottle. Mmmm. Now if everyone would stop naming their fucking dog after it, everything would be copasetic. Really- you named your dog after your favorite beer? How awesomely original yet subversive of you! It’s named Guinness because you drink Guinness! HAHAHAHA! Douche.

Corona- The only beer it’s acceptable to put fruit into. Ever drink a Corona without a lime? It tastes like piss. Mexican piss to be exact. And how do I know what Mexican piss tastes like, you ask? I won’t go into the story here, not only for brevity but also to avoid incriminating myself, but let’s just say it involves a shotgun, a potato chip shaped like the Virgin Mary, several bottles of absinthe, Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA), the NASA space shuttle program, another shotgun, and a church trip gone awry.

Long Island Ice Tea- Whomever Mr. Long Island is, the man is a certified genius. He discovered one day (no doubt after years and years of exhausting experiments and liver damage) that combining every liquor known to man, then adding a touch of lemon and cola adds up to one tremendous mind-screw of a drink. Bravo, Mr. Long Island, bravo. Still, if you could figure out a way to make me not black out and punch a nun after drinking seven of these in the sun, that would probably work out great for me and the local convent.

2: Baseball- As you can see from the previous posts, I care about baseball. Maybe a little too much. I also enjoy gambling on baseball. Again, maybe a little too much. I don’t care. There is no better way to spend a day than tailgating before a game, then marching up to the right field bleachers, soaking up the sun, sipping a cold beer and watching Jason Grilli give up seven runs in 2/3 of an inning. Wait, Grilli, how did you get into this? I can’t even romanticize baseball without you ruining it. GRILLLLLLLLLLI!!!

3: The U.P.- If you’ve never been in the summer, I feel sorry for you. Wait… never mind. It sucks up there. Don’t go. More spacious sand beaches, crystal-blue water and pasties for me. You would hate it up there. Trust me.

4: Camping- Hemingway I’m not (working on the beard), but I still love a good hike into the woods and a few nights spent under the stars. God I really hate Detroit sometimes.

5: Herman Hesse- I’ve been reading as much of his writing as I can get my hands on, and he has to be the most eloquent and thought-provoking writer from the early part of the century. A little hung up on Jungian and Freudian dogma for my taste, but still, wow, what an incredible talent. Note: contrary to what this picture may suggest, he was not a bronze statue. He really turned on the Creepy for this pic, though. I think that's his "come-hither-and-let-me-overwhelm-your-sense-of-faith-and-logic-with-my-German-postmodernist-nihilism-and-despair" look. Drove the ladies nuts.

6: Obama for President: He should have the nomination wrapped up by early summer, and thank god, because I really can’t take much more of the campaign coverage. I’m supporting him because of a couple things: I think he will pull our troops out of Iraq, I think he will negotiate with hostile nations and attempt to repair America’s image and perception abroad, his health care plan is decent (although Hillary’s is somewhat better), and I love the way he’s handled the bullshit flung his way so far. On the ABC debate the other night, the first questions were about why doesn’t he wear a flag pin on his lapel, asking him if he thinks his ex-reverend “loves America as much as he does”, and how he said some rural white voters are “bitter”. He addressed them directly for what they are, stupid petty bullshit distracting us from the larger issues, like oh, I don’t know… the fact that everybody is losing their jobs, if they had one in the first place… Or the fact that home foreclosures are skyrocketing at an incredible rate… Or the fact we’re caught in a quagmire of a clusterfuck in the desert, dangerously stretching our military, putting our soldiers in harm’s way for dubious and shady reasons? Whew.

Point is, I honestly think Obama can make some substantive headway into these issues- I make no illusions, I know he’s not the Political Jesus, but I think he’s in the best position to make progress in those areas.

* Political Jesus is a registered trademark of Ninja Please, a subsidiary of the Hanso Corporation.

Weak

1: Work- In college, I had a roommate who was from France. He was stinky, constantly smoked, a ridiculous misogynist, and a degenerate drunk. We got along great. Anyway, when we were moving out of our dorm, he asked me what I was going to do with my summer. I told him I was going back to my hometown to work for the city (which ended up with me being a part-time garbage man) to try and earn some cash for next school year. He scoffed in the uniquely French asshole-ish way, blew some smoke at me and said “We have no zuch zing as ‘zummer jobs’. I will be returning with my family to ze Mediterranean for our zummer ‘oliday.” I asked him what the fuck he was talking about, and he let me in on the little secret that his country practically shuts down for long stretches of the summer, so everyone can go on vacation and wear bright-colored Speedos and drunk drive little scooters. Also, they only work like 35 hours a week, and take giant breaks in the middle of the day to have a huge meal with wine. I was ashamed, intrigued, but most of all furious that I live in a country that doesn’t shut down so I can go tan in a disturbing little thong and hit on chicks with armpit hair. Fuckin’ America, with our stupid ‘work ethic’ and ‘consumerism culture’ and ‘capitalism’. Instead, I’ll be trapped in my shitty cubicle, workin’ for The Man. If blended socialism can give me six weeks off in the summer, I’ll get a tattoo of Lenin on my left asscheek and Marx on the right. Workers of the World, Unite! Also, Take A Vacation! In the Summer! Seriously, You Need a Break! I’m so totally a commie now.

2: My ‘02 Pontiac Grand Prix- Yeah, this is the shitbox that I drive, and just listen to the litany of problems I’ve had with this turd in the last couple of months: broken windshield (2nd time), broken tie rod (2nd time), punctured break line, blown transmission (a $2000 repair- AWESOME), loss of power steering, and now a leak in the intake manifold something or other (not a big car guy as you can tell), all I know is it’s going to be another several hundred dollars to fix. FUCK YOU GM. I will never, ever EVER purchase another one of your automobiles. And don’t give me that bullshit about how I have to buy American, I can’t fucking afford to buy American. Make better cars and then I might buy one.

3: Gas prices- wasn’t the real reason we invaded Iraq to steal all their oil? My God, the Bush Administration can’t even carry out their nefarious ulterior motives with any sort of competence. We’re hemorrhaging billions of dollars, thousands of our soldiers are dying, and I still have to pay $3.50 a gallon for gas? Way to go, assholes. I’m working on a car right now that is powered by burning $20 bills, I figure pretty soon that should be an economical use of paper money. In fact, I’m still waiting for my flying car that runs off of garbage, so I can take it to the future and buy a sports almanac in order to bet on games and become a zillionaire. Where we’re going, we don’t need roads. Um… what was I talking about?

4: Iron-Man not being out yet- This is unacceptable. I have been waiting for this movie forever, and I want to see it. NOW. Let’s go. Chop chop.

5: Waiting for Lost to return- C’mon… daddy needs his medicine.

6: Quakers- They know what they did. Fuckin’ Quakers. They’ll pay. They’ll ALL pay.