Dear Tigers: Get Your Shit Together

I sit here, Sunday night, a week after opening day, and the Tigers have yet to win a game. In fact, I'm gritting my teeth through a 9-1 beat down at the hands of the Chicago White Sox, and it's every bit as bad as it sounds. Justin Verlander gave up 9 runs (4 earned), and the Tigers hitters are making Mark Burhle look like Sandy Fucking Koufax.

I know it's only the first week of the year, but something about this team doesn't smell right. The lineup I was so excited about has amounted to a big pile of fuck-all. In fact, Brandon Inge, the guy they were going to trade away, has been by far their most consistent bat this year. Magglio Ordonez looks like a little girl flailing away, Miguel Cabrera just looks scared of the cold Detroit spring, and Gary Sheffield hurt his widdle pinky. Awwww. If I see them hit into one more double play my head is going to explode.

And as bad as their hitting has been, their pitching has been even worse. The bullpen was considered to be their weakest area this year, but their starting pitching has been atrocious. Dontrelle Willis walked 7 fucking batters yesterday. A couple days before that, I swear to god I saw Nate Robertson throw under-handed because he couldn't find the strike zone if it was hanging out of his pants.

To make matters worse, my annoyance levels are being stretched to new and excruciating heights because of the cosmically idiotic commentary of the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball crew, Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. Two dipshits of this nature not only meeting each other but announcing baseball games on National Television has got to be one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse. Joe Morgan just said this: "The good thing about losing this many games is that the odds are in favor of you winning your next one. The more you lose, the more you're due to win." Really, Joe? I might not be a fancy tee-vee announcer, but I'm pretty sure your odds of winning each game are 50/50, regardless of what happened the day before. I can just picture Jim Leyland addressing his team: "Great loss today guys! With a crushing defeat like this, we're gare-un-fucking-teed to win this next one!"

Speaking of Leyland, the only real good thing that will come out of this losing is the inevitable Jim Leyland public media meltdown, due sometime within the next couple of days. It gives me genuine pleasure whenever I see Leyland on the evening news, half-drunk with a Marlboro hanging out the side of his mouth, scaring the piss of a room full of reporters. I really am excited for this.

Oh look- the Tigers just brought Yorman Bazardo into the game. FUCKING AWESOME. Nothing could go wrong here. When I think of quality relief pitching, I think of the name "Yorman Bazardo". Excellent- he just gave up a three-run triple. Kill me. Kill me now.

Before I finish this up to go cry in the corner, I would be remiss in mentioning the all-encompassing ass-suckitude of my arch nemesis on this team, Jason Grilli. On Friday he came in to a tie game and gave up hits to five consecutive batters. I said some truly horrible things about him, some involving his mother and a coat hanger, and I feel a little guilty about this. But only a little, because Jason Grilli truly is not good at what he does. If I was completely incompetent at my job I would sooner or later get the hint and quit. But not Grilli, no, he powers through. Every time I see his stupid face jogging in from the bullpen a little piece of me dies inside, because I know he is going to fuck up. I wish I could place bets on this. Guess what Grilli's ERA is right now? If you guessed twenty-point-fucking-two-five, you win a lifetime supply of Jason Grilli nightmares. Fuck.

ANYWAY, Tigers, get your shit together, because I'm not going downtown to the crime-ridden, hepatitis-infested shithole that is downtown Detroit just to watch you lose.

Ok, maybe I will, but I won't like it.

So maybe I will like it, but I'll have to be drunk. Like, really drunk.

Mmmmm, beer.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah: the Tigers. Get your shit together, because your losing is making the baby Jesus cry.