Stop the Stupid Bullshit

The man pictured here next to Sen. Barack Obama is the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. You’ve probably seen him in the news, as he has come under tremendous fire from politicians and media alike, in regards to some strong and inflammatory comments he’s made at his church, which just so happens to be the church of Sen. Obama, who just happens to be running for President.

The outrage machine has been working overtime to link Obama and some of the more insensitive things Rev. Wright has said, and the main-stream media is especially giddy about this- I think Sean Hannity actually had to hide his outrage boner last night on his show. It's been the lead in the N.Y. Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the Washington Post, as well as on every major evening news network. This is the type of garbage that passes for news nowadays.

I’m willing to bet almost nobody knows anything about Barack Obama’s healthcare plan (here’s the link: http://www.barackobama.com/issues/healthcare/ -there’s some good stuff in here, especially the subsidies for people who can’t afford to pay for their own health care, as well as mandated universal health coverage for children- something Pres. Bush VETOED late last year, but I digress), but you know he’s a shitty bowler, and that he doesn’t wear a flag pin on his lapel, and his middle name is Hussein, and the pastor of his church seems like kind of a dick.

Does anybody give a shit about Hillary’s plan to help fix the housing market/subprime loan mess (some of the details are here: http://www.hillaryclinton.com/news/release/view/?id=4530 -she’s calling for moratoriums on home foreclosures for up to 90 days and possible rate freezes for people locked into subprime adjustable-rate mortgages- some solid first steps)? Nope, but I’ll bet you know she lied about landing in Bosnia under sniper fire when she was first lady, and how she cried while campaigning in New Hampshire, and how her husband got some BJ’s from a chubby bimbo ten years ago.

Or what about John McCain’s stance on Iraq? Does anybody realize that Sen. McCain advocates increasing the troop levels in Iraq and rejects unconditional negotiations with Syria and Iran (here the link to his official website, less you think I jest: http://www.johnmccain.com/Informing/Issues/fdeb03a7-30b0-4ece-8e34-4c7ea83f11d8.htm)? Maybe vaguely, but no doubt you know John McCain is hailed as a “maverick” in the U.S. Senate, repeatedly adorned with the false moniker of “Straight Talker” by the adoring press? I’ll bet you didn’t know how McCain voted on the last piece of legislation regarding torture (look it up, it’s quite surprising), but I’ll bet you knew is campaign bus is called the “Straight Talk Express”.

I started with Rev. Wright because he embodies the epitome of the stupid bullshit that not only passes for news with our lazy, sycophantic mainstream media, but also the motivations of our votes as Americans. Much was made in 2000 when George W. Bush “beat” Al Gore (not even going to get into that one) by appealing to regular folk- many voters perceived him as the guy they wanted to have a beer with, the guy who loves baseball and golf and isn’t a big reader and who clears brush on his ranch on his days off, as opposed to the seemingly elitist Gore, a robotic lifetime bureaucrat who probably drank cabernet sauvignon and threw like a girl. But look at what this got us- this “regular guy” got us balls deep into an unwinable, costly and deadly war in the desert, neglected our national security and economy, and generally fucked things up as much as one human being could possibly fuck something up. It’s fair to say that if the effete, boring wine-drinker were elected, we wouldn't be in this war, almost 4,000 of our soldiers would be still alive, and our federal deficit wouldn’t be higher than Willie Nelson (hey-0!).

So, do you think, America, that possibly, maybe, this stupid bullshit we read in the papers and obsess about, the crap we allow to substitute for debate about actual issues, might not the best judgments of how our leaders will act and carry out their duties? Do you think that maybe just because a politician names his fucking bus the “Straight Talk Express”, it means he’s actually a straight talker? If I chartered a bus and had “World’s Smartest Man” emblazoned on the side and traveled the countryside giving speeches about how I was indeed the World’s Smartest Man, would you believe a word of it? Hopefully not, because if you met me for ten seconds you would know this wasn’t true (I drool a lot), but I’m willing to be there are some assholes that would. They would tell their friends they met the World’s Smartest Man, and it had to be true because it said it on the side of his bus.

Herein lies the fundamental problem with us as a voting electorate. We’re extremely fucking intellectually lazy. We'll take the word of the side of the bus. We don’t want to take the ten minutes to log onto Hillary Clinton’s website to find out about her plan for withdrawing our troops from Iraq, but we’re sure we’re not voting for her because she seems like kind of a bitch. We are sure we aren’t voting for Barack Obama because here’s a picture of him in a turban, and Muslims are our enemies, and he might secretly be one. In fact, here’s a perfect illustration of this, its an article about some bumblefuck pastor down in South Carolina who tried to raise the question on his church sign of whether or not Obama is a Muslim: http://www.wspa.com/midatlantic/spa/news.apx.-content-articles-SPA-2008-04-20-0005.html

The best part about this is his quote: Pastor Byrd says the sign is not meant to be racial or political but rather to make people think. "His name is so close to Osama I have a feeling he might be Islamic therefore he doesn't recognize Christ," Pastor Byrd said.

No, you ignorant dickhole, Obama isn’t “Islamic” and if you had taken one second to search this on the interwebs you’d have found out that yes, he is in fact a Christian, and no, you shouldn’t make assumptions based on things as frivolous as people’s names, and yes, your parents probably are related you slack-jawed yokel. Only this guy apparently isn’t as much of a slack-jawed yokel as a representative sample of our voting electorate, as displayed by the fact that his church voted unanimously to keep this sign up, and as much as most people don’t want to admit it, these are the kinds of things that go through our minds as we walk into the voting booth.

It’s too difficult for us to research the issues, investigate the candidates and come to our own independent conclusion- we need things pre-packaged for us, we need it black-and-white, good vs. evil, we need the Black Guy vs. the Bitch, we need it all wrapped up neatly in a bow. We rely on rumors and hearsay and our gossipy neighbors-that’s why we know that Obama bowled a 37 but don’t really remember John McCain’s role in the Savings and Loan scandals of the 80’s (here's a primer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keating_Five).

I hate to say it, but we deserve exactly the leaders we get, and if a smirking, faux-cowboy trust-fund baby, a legacy Yale and Harvard failed oil tycoon convinces us he could possibly have any of our best interests at heart, then whatever happens is our fault. If you don’t want shitty, ignorant leaders, then we need to stop being shitty, ignorant voters, and we need to reject the crap about flag pins and sniper fire and make the effort to educate ourselves. If all you know about John Edwards is that he allegedly pays $400 for his haircuts, then shame on you.

As the great philosopher Daniel Plainview might say: “I… drink… your… MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT UP!” Right now, the political and economic elite are drinking our milkshake, and we’re way, way too lazy to do anything about it. They distract us with stupid bullshit, and while we’re sending each other YouTube clips of Obama’s pastor saying disturbing things about 9/11, they stick the long straw of stupidity into our milkshake. They drink it up.

* UPDATE: Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Sen. John Edwards, wrote a wonderful (and incredibly more eloquent) Op-Ed in the New York Times talking about much of the same I covered here, only, you know... better, and with much less profantiy and boner jokes. Check it out: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/27/opinion/27edwards.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1#

The Sweet/Weak List, Vol. 2

I’m like a bear awakening from hibernation. I’m just starting to pull out of the sleepy funk that is the gawd-fucking-awful winter of Michigan, and I’m ready to start hunting small animals and eating them. And by hunting small animals and eating them, I mean getting drunk on a boat, huffing ether and shooting guns at fish into the water, stuffing the ether rags into the empty beer bottles, lighting the rags and throwing the booze-ether bombs at the fish carcasses floating to the top of the water. I’d say the metaphor is pretty clear, you unimaginative jackass. Plus, how else do you fish? With a pole? Not high on ether? Whatever, Quaker.

So, to celebrate the impending horrific sight of my pasty-white albino skin roasting in the sun, here’s an all-new Sweet/Weak List: Summer edition.

Sweet

1: Drinking- What did you think was going to be first? My favorite summer drinks:

Oberon- This beer tastes like summer. Sunshine in a goddamn bottle. Mmmm. Now if everyone would stop naming their fucking dog after it, everything would be copasetic. Really- you named your dog after your favorite beer? How awesomely original yet subversive of you! It’s named Guinness because you drink Guinness! HAHAHAHA! Douche.

Corona- The only beer it’s acceptable to put fruit into. Ever drink a Corona without a lime? It tastes like piss. Mexican piss to be exact. And how do I know what Mexican piss tastes like, you ask? I won’t go into the story here, not only for brevity but also to avoid incriminating myself, but let’s just say it involves a shotgun, a potato chip shaped like the Virgin Mary, several bottles of absinthe, Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA), the NASA space shuttle program, another shotgun, and a church trip gone awry.

Long Island Ice Tea- Whomever Mr. Long Island is, the man is a certified genius. He discovered one day (no doubt after years and years of exhausting experiments and liver damage) that combining every liquor known to man, then adding a touch of lemon and cola adds up to one tremendous mind-screw of a drink. Bravo, Mr. Long Island, bravo. Still, if you could figure out a way to make me not black out and punch a nun after drinking seven of these in the sun, that would probably work out great for me and the local convent.

2: Baseball- As you can see from the previous posts, I care about baseball. Maybe a little too much. I also enjoy gambling on baseball. Again, maybe a little too much. I don’t care. There is no better way to spend a day than tailgating before a game, then marching up to the right field bleachers, soaking up the sun, sipping a cold beer and watching Jason Grilli give up seven runs in 2/3 of an inning. Wait, Grilli, how did you get into this? I can’t even romanticize baseball without you ruining it. GRILLLLLLLLLLI!!!

3: The U.P.- If you’ve never been in the summer, I feel sorry for you. Wait… never mind. It sucks up there. Don’t go. More spacious sand beaches, crystal-blue water and pasties for me. You would hate it up there. Trust me.

4: Camping- Hemingway I’m not (working on the beard), but I still love a good hike into the woods and a few nights spent under the stars. God I really hate Detroit sometimes.

5: Herman Hesse- I’ve been reading as much of his writing as I can get my hands on, and he has to be the most eloquent and thought-provoking writer from the early part of the century. A little hung up on Jungian and Freudian dogma for my taste, but still, wow, what an incredible talent. Note: contrary to what this picture may suggest, he was not a bronze statue. He really turned on the Creepy for this pic, though. I think that's his "come-hither-and-let-me-overwhelm-your-sense-of-faith-and-logic-with-my-German-postmodernist-nihilism-and-despair" look. Drove the ladies nuts.

6: Obama for President: He should have the nomination wrapped up by early summer, and thank god, because I really can’t take much more of the campaign coverage. I’m supporting him because of a couple things: I think he will pull our troops out of Iraq, I think he will negotiate with hostile nations and attempt to repair America’s image and perception abroad, his health care plan is decent (although Hillary’s is somewhat better), and I love the way he’s handled the bullshit flung his way so far. On the ABC debate the other night, the first questions were about why doesn’t he wear a flag pin on his lapel, asking him if he thinks his ex-reverend “loves America as much as he does”, and how he said some rural white voters are “bitter”. He addressed them directly for what they are, stupid petty bullshit distracting us from the larger issues, like oh, I don’t know… the fact that everybody is losing their jobs, if they had one in the first place… Or the fact that home foreclosures are skyrocketing at an incredible rate… Or the fact we’re caught in a quagmire of a clusterfuck in the desert, dangerously stretching our military, putting our soldiers in harm’s way for dubious and shady reasons? Whew.

Point is, I honestly think Obama can make some substantive headway into these issues- I make no illusions, I know he’s not the Political Jesus, but I think he’s in the best position to make progress in those areas.

* Political Jesus is a registered trademark of Ninja Please, a subsidiary of the Hanso Corporation.

Weak

1: Work- In college, I had a roommate who was from France. He was stinky, constantly smoked, a ridiculous misogynist, and a degenerate drunk. We got along great. Anyway, when we were moving out of our dorm, he asked me what I was going to do with my summer. I told him I was going back to my hometown to work for the city (which ended up with me being a part-time garbage man) to try and earn some cash for next school year. He scoffed in the uniquely French asshole-ish way, blew some smoke at me and said “We have no zuch zing as ‘zummer jobs’. I will be returning with my family to ze Mediterranean for our zummer ‘oliday.” I asked him what the fuck he was talking about, and he let me in on the little secret that his country practically shuts down for long stretches of the summer, so everyone can go on vacation and wear bright-colored Speedos and drunk drive little scooters. Also, they only work like 35 hours a week, and take giant breaks in the middle of the day to have a huge meal with wine. I was ashamed, intrigued, but most of all furious that I live in a country that doesn’t shut down so I can go tan in a disturbing little thong and hit on chicks with armpit hair. Fuckin’ America, with our stupid ‘work ethic’ and ‘consumerism culture’ and ‘capitalism’. Instead, I’ll be trapped in my shitty cubicle, workin’ for The Man. If blended socialism can give me six weeks off in the summer, I’ll get a tattoo of Lenin on my left asscheek and Marx on the right. Workers of the World, Unite! Also, Take A Vacation! In the Summer! Seriously, You Need a Break! I’m so totally a commie now.

2: My ‘02 Pontiac Grand Prix- Yeah, this is the shitbox that I drive, and just listen to the litany of problems I’ve had with this turd in the last couple of months: broken windshield (2nd time), broken tie rod (2nd time), punctured break line, blown transmission (a $2000 repair- AWESOME), loss of power steering, and now a leak in the intake manifold something or other (not a big car guy as you can tell), all I know is it’s going to be another several hundred dollars to fix. FUCK YOU GM. I will never, ever EVER purchase another one of your automobiles. And don’t give me that bullshit about how I have to buy American, I can’t fucking afford to buy American. Make better cars and then I might buy one.

3: Gas prices- wasn’t the real reason we invaded Iraq to steal all their oil? My God, the Bush Administration can’t even carry out their nefarious ulterior motives with any sort of competence. We’re hemorrhaging billions of dollars, thousands of our soldiers are dying, and I still have to pay $3.50 a gallon for gas? Way to go, assholes. I’m working on a car right now that is powered by burning $20 bills, I figure pretty soon that should be an economical use of paper money. In fact, I’m still waiting for my flying car that runs off of garbage, so I can take it to the future and buy a sports almanac in order to bet on games and become a zillionaire. Where we’re going, we don’t need roads. Um… what was I talking about?

4: Iron-Man not being out yet- This is unacceptable. I have been waiting for this movie forever, and I want to see it. NOW. Let’s go. Chop chop.

5: Waiting for Lost to return- C’mon… daddy needs his medicine.

6: Quakers- They know what they did. Fuckin’ Quakers. They’ll pay. They’ll ALL pay.

Drew Sharp is a Colossal Jackass

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080407/COL08/804070379

Check out sports "writer" Drew Sharp's article from today's Free Press ripping the Tigers apart. Sure, the post I put up here last night ripped the Tigers too, but I didn't say "This isn't a good team." No, actually I think this is a good team, but for whatever reason they've gotten off to a slow start. It's irritating, certainly, but by no means is this turning into what Sharp describes as "... a season crashing in flames before it has even begun."

Crashing in flames? Really? Sharp qualifies his "analysis" by stating "They won't panic just six games into the season and nobody's suggesting they should. But they don't grasp the distinction between panic and urgency." What the fuck does that even mean? What do you want them to do, start breaking their bats over their heads after every strikeout, punching themselves in the face after ever error in the field, Jim Leyland giving each pitcher twenty lashes with the wet noodle after every earned run? (Actually, that last one might work... I'm looking at you, Jason Grilli.)

How does a baseball team play with urgency? Swing at every first pitch? Only throw strikes? Cheat by rubbing pine tar on their pitching hands... um, bad example. Still, I'm sure the players are doing the best they can. The truth is they were soundly beaten by two teams playing at the very top of their abilities. It's disappointing, certainly, but for Sharp to say "nobody's suggesting they should [panic]" and then a few paragraphs later say their season is "crashing in flames" is ridiculous, plain and simple.

Let's put things in perspective: The Tigers losing their first six games is roughly the equivalent of the Lions losing the first half of their first game of the year, or the Pistons losing their first three games. So every time the Pistons were on a three-game losing streak this year did Sharp post a column talking about how their season was "crashing in flames"? No sane person would jump to that conclusion. And if the Lions were a real NFL franchise and actually were competitive in some crazy bizzaro universe, if they were down at halftime of their first game anybody saying they "weren't very good" and lacked urgency after ONE HALF would be branded a shrill reactionary, which is exactly what Sharp is.

I will admit I have a bigger problem with Sharp in general and the lazy, cliche-ridden contrarian sports columns he shits out on a regular basis. Check out the pre-season puff pieces he did on Curtis Granderson being "a perfect fit for the Tigers", or raving about Miguel Cabrera's "booming bat". Sharp was as optimistic as anyone to start the season, but after six games he's ready to jump ship? Bullshit. Either he didn't feel that way to start (thus making his US Weekly-ish spring training pieces that much more embarrassing), or he is the one filled with panic now.

Sharp isn't the only one- Jay Mariotti, Skip Bayless, Woody Paige, et. all fall into this category. They're like the equivalent of Sean Hannity (theoretically) going on Fox News and saying "hey, the city of Denver had a record low temperature today, so where's your global warming now, you tree-hugging hippies?" It's trash, and not even worthy of the ghetto that is opinion-based journalism. None of them take the time to research the topic, put it into a larger context, and come to a reasonable conclusion based on any type of logic or reality. No, since the Tigers lost their first six games, they're not playing with urgency and their season is crashing in flames. I'm willing to bet that "article" took Sharp less than fifteen minutes to write. Sharp calls the Tigers "pampered fat cats", but I wonder how much money he makes to drool out this crap (answer: way, way, way too much). I can picture Sharp distractedly banging this out on his laptop on his way from his day-time radio gig en-route to one of his book signings (just to reinforce what a cliche-monger Sharp is, the title of one of his books is "Razor Sharp". Seriously. That's the best title he could come up with). Talk about mailing it in.

I honestly feel the Tigers will bounce back. Not sure if they'll make the playoffs, but by the end of the year they should be back on track and at least in the picture. Unlike some sportswriters, I can enjoy sports for what they are, and not turn them into a life-or-death, black-or-white epic battle for all of humanity against Losing and Failure and Terrorism (made that last one up). It must kind of suck to be that dispassionate about something so fun.

Dear Tigers: Get Your Shit Together

I sit here, Sunday night, a week after opening day, and the Tigers have yet to win a game. In fact, I'm gritting my teeth through a 9-1 beat down at the hands of the Chicago White Sox, and it's every bit as bad as it sounds. Justin Verlander gave up 9 runs (4 earned), and the Tigers hitters are making Mark Burhle look like Sandy Fucking Koufax.

I know it's only the first week of the year, but something about this team doesn't smell right. The lineup I was so excited about has amounted to a big pile of fuck-all. In fact, Brandon Inge, the guy they were going to trade away, has been by far their most consistent bat this year. Magglio Ordonez looks like a little girl flailing away, Miguel Cabrera just looks scared of the cold Detroit spring, and Gary Sheffield hurt his widdle pinky. Awwww. If I see them hit into one more double play my head is going to explode.

And as bad as their hitting has been, their pitching has been even worse. The bullpen was considered to be their weakest area this year, but their starting pitching has been atrocious. Dontrelle Willis walked 7 fucking batters yesterday. A couple days before that, I swear to god I saw Nate Robertson throw under-handed because he couldn't find the strike zone if it was hanging out of his pants.

To make matters worse, my annoyance levels are being stretched to new and excruciating heights because of the cosmically idiotic commentary of the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball crew, Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. Two dipshits of this nature not only meeting each other but announcing baseball games on National Television has got to be one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse. Joe Morgan just said this: "The good thing about losing this many games is that the odds are in favor of you winning your next one. The more you lose, the more you're due to win." Really, Joe? I might not be a fancy tee-vee announcer, but I'm pretty sure your odds of winning each game are 50/50, regardless of what happened the day before. I can just picture Jim Leyland addressing his team: "Great loss today guys! With a crushing defeat like this, we're gare-un-fucking-teed to win this next one!"

Speaking of Leyland, the only real good thing that will come out of this losing is the inevitable Jim Leyland public media meltdown, due sometime within the next couple of days. It gives me genuine pleasure whenever I see Leyland on the evening news, half-drunk with a Marlboro hanging out the side of his mouth, scaring the piss of a room full of reporters. I really am excited for this.

Oh look- the Tigers just brought Yorman Bazardo into the game. FUCKING AWESOME. Nothing could go wrong here. When I think of quality relief pitching, I think of the name "Yorman Bazardo". Excellent- he just gave up a three-run triple. Kill me. Kill me now.

Before I finish this up to go cry in the corner, I would be remiss in mentioning the all-encompassing ass-suckitude of my arch nemesis on this team, Jason Grilli. On Friday he came in to a tie game and gave up hits to five consecutive batters. I said some truly horrible things about him, some involving his mother and a coat hanger, and I feel a little guilty about this. But only a little, because Jason Grilli truly is not good at what he does. If I was completely incompetent at my job I would sooner or later get the hint and quit. But not Grilli, no, he powers through. Every time I see his stupid face jogging in from the bullpen a little piece of me dies inside, because I know he is going to fuck up. I wish I could place bets on this. Guess what Grilli's ERA is right now? If you guessed twenty-point-fucking-two-five, you win a lifetime supply of Jason Grilli nightmares. Fuck.

ANYWAY, Tigers, get your shit together, because I'm not going downtown to the crime-ridden, hepatitis-infested shithole that is downtown Detroit just to watch you lose.

Ok, maybe I will, but I won't like it.

So maybe I will like it, but I'll have to be drunk. Like, really drunk.

Mmmmm, beer.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah: the Tigers. Get your shit together, because your losing is making the baby Jesus cry.