Shamrocks and Shenanigans

Ah, St. Paddy's Day... It's like Christmas, my birthday, an orgasm and Mardi Gras all rolled into one, but only if the holiday was held in honor of King Awesome and powered by Irish car bombs. There is no greater day than St. Paddy's day, for the following reasons:

1- Booze- One of the only days during the year it's acceptable to start drinking before noon (the others being birthdays, funerals, weddings, tax day, tailgates, and of course Abraham Lincoln's birthday. That wiry fucker could drink. You think he freed the slaves sober? Puh-leeze). Granted, drinking before noon being "acceptable" never really stopped me from sneaking a pull or two off of my flask of Wild Turkey on the way to work in the morning (just for an eye-opener), but this day I don't have to hide it. I love booze, I love all the different forms it comes in, and in fact I shall rank acceptable St. Paddy's day drinks right here, for your reading pleasure:

A- Irish Car Bombs- the best of both worlds, because it contains the three things
listed under it, all combined into one unholy shot of pure Irish deliciousness. If
you're out drinking for St. Paddy's day and you don't take at least one Irish Car
Bomb, then you are a pitiful fucking excuse for a drunk. For shame.
B- Guinness- the lifeblood of the Irish. Pints of Guinness make you strong.
C- Jamison whiskey- if Guinness is the lifeblood of the Irish, then this is what
is in every dirty mick's baby bottle. I'm normally not rich enough to drink it on
a regular basis, but once a year I'll bong this shit. Mmmmm, whiskey.
D- Bailey's Irish Cream- I know what you're thinking "Hey, isn't that the shit my
Mom pours into her coffee when she thinks noboby's looking that allows her to
cope with the utter debacle of a failure of a meaningless, shallow life she
leads?" Yes. Yes it is. It's also distinctly Irish, and not everyone can stomach
Guinness and whiskey all day. It's ok. This one day a year, you get a free pass
for drinking this all day. Just remember, mix a car bomb or two in there to avoid
complete pussifiness.
E- Green Beer- a step down, but still acceptable. Effort to die gallons of beer
green for no reason is to be respected, but don't forget it's still a shitty
American macro brew you're drinking. Bonus points for you poop being green for
three days afterward. Plus, projectile vomiting from your every orifice looks WAY
cooler when it's bright green.
F- Everything else- if it's booze, you're on the right track. Just make sure no
drunken Murph spots you sporting a white-wine spritzer, or you might end up with a
blarney stone up your ass.

2- Drunk girls- This can be summed up by one of my best St. Paddy's day stories: a few years ago, I woke up and started drinking whiskey at 6 AM, was into the bar by 7 AM, ate a breakfast of green eggs and ham, then teamed up to down (literally) 5 gallons of green beer between six friends. Later in the afternoon at a party, I took a shot of whiskey and it set me over the edge- I was standing on their front porch, I leaned over and tossed my Irish confetti all over the bushes, really an impressive display of vomiting acumen, controlled spray and stream, clean follow through, minimal clean up, did get a little on my shamrock sweater. Around twelve people were standing around and all started cheering congratulating/making fun of me, but I persevered and kept drinking. I’m a trooper. Still on the porch, no more than a half-hour later, one of the girls that was on the porch watching me puke my guts out made out with me. There is no way she would have given me the time of day sober. God, I fucking LOVE St. Paddy's day. And drunk girls. And booze.

3- Fighting- The Irish are known as a bunch of temperamental, irrational drunks, and they certainly live up to their reputation on March 17th every year. I’ve been blind drunk and had knock-down, drag-out fistfights with some of my best friends, and we’ve always ended the night toasting each other again. Which brings me to…

4- Blackout drunkenness- The perfect excuse:

You: “Hey, Ghost, you were a real asshole last night… you drank all my whiskey, made out with my sister, peed on my TV, puked on my dog and punched a hole in my wall. You’re an asshole.”

Me: “Yeah, sorry, but I blacked out, I don’t remember anything, so I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Except for making out with your sister, which was sweet. “

You: “I can’t stay mad at you. I wish I could quit you, you loveable blackout drunk Irish scamp.”

Me: “Word.”

5- The Music- St. Paddy’s day gives me the perfect excuse to stand on a chair in a bar and drunkenly blare “Kiss My Irish Ass” at the top of my lungs. What’s better than that? It also is a great excuse to play some of my favorite bands: Flogging Molly, The Pogues, Dropkick Murphys, really every Irish punk band is appropriate on the Day O’th Irish.

6- Booze- Did I mention this one yet? Can’t remember. I’ve had a few. Anyway, here’s a great quote from the prophet Homer Simpson: “Alcohol- the cause of - and solution to- all of life’s problems.” ‘Nuf said.

7- Shamrock Shakes- Why are they mint? Why do you ask so many questions? Shut the fuck up and drink the goddamn shake. It’s green. A very appropriate breakfast for a day of drinking other green liquids.

8- This video from a St. Paddy’s day parade. A microcosm of the spirit of drunken idiots. Watch for the old guy.



Happy St. Paddy's day, you drunken bastards!