That still doesn’t make it ok, though. Human beings were not meant to work. Sitting in a cubicle creating spreadsheets and quarterly goals goes against every fiber of our being. We were meant to live lives of leisure, much like the animals- exploring, hunting, gathering, etc. Have you thought about what your pet does all day? They eat, run around, play, sleep, hump something, eat, play, maybe lick themselves a bit, eat, play some more, then take a nap. That’s awesome, and that’s the type of life we as humans should be experiencing. Instead, with our stupid evolved brains and stupid opposable digits we’ve built ourselves a stupid society that absolutely depends on hundreds of millions of faceless minions like me to push paper and toil in ultimately fruitless and soul-crushing busy work, creating nothing except existential angst and stress.
Well fuck all that noise. I’ve got a new plan. And it’s pretty awesome. Peep this:
Step 1: Quit working.
Step 2: TBD
Step 3: PROFIT!!!
Step 4: Live a life of leisure.
I know, pretty great plan, right? Right. After all the profit, I will be free to live my life exactly how I want it. I need to make sure I have this part planned out as well, because I want to get the most out of life as possible. Therefore, I have a few initiatives laid out in advance, which I have outlined here.
Initiative No. 1: Monkey Best Friend
Ever seen that movie, the Island of “Dr. Moreau?” Don’t. That movie sucks horse balls, but there is one particularly awesome thing about it: Dr. Moreau has a little person best friend that is dressed exactly like him at all times and goes everywhere with him. He even plays a miniature piano.
That is sooooo sweet I’m jealous I didn’t think of it first. The only problem is the little person is that movie is beyond creepy- seriously, look at him- so I would change it up a bit and make it into a monkey instead. The monkey would dress exactly like me and we would go everywhere together- the bar, football games, weddings, parties, you name it. One episode of the Simpsons Homer got a helper monkey named Mojo, and it was awesome until Mojo drank and smoked too much and got sick. I would have to make sure my monkey best friend was not a lightweight- my monkey would be drinking miniature versions of all the drinks I have- so I would have to party with a bunch of different monkeys to see which type of monkey could best handle their booze (my money’s on chimps. And I know they’re not monkeys, but, uh, shut up). Nothing would be more embarrassing than to be out partying with my monkey best friend, and see him pass out in a pile of his own vomit after one miniature Irish car bomb. That can’t happen, as my new life of leisure is going to involve an assload of drinking, and my monkey best friend is going to have to be able to hang. Also, my monkey would be my personal bodyguard.
I would have my monkey trained by the best, having it learn all aspects of hand-to-hand combat, marksmanship, evasive driving maneuvers, CPR, etc. This way, if someone tried to mess with me, they wouldn’t expect my monkey best friend to scissor kick them in the face and choke them out while I laughed manically. Since my monkey would be such an awesome badass, I would name him Mr. Miyagi.Initiative No. 2: Establish a Team of Crack Scientists
If I am going to fully experience all life has to offer, I am going to need some enhancements. Upgrades, if you will. I’m not nearly smart enough to create all of these things on my own, so I’ll have to have a team of Lucious Fox-types to invent the things I need. Here’s what I’ll get them working on right away:
Mechanical Liver With Replaceable Parts- Let’s be honest, if I’m going to be partying so much (and rest assured, I am), my liver is eventually going to give out. That’s why I’m going to need a new one later on down the line, but a liver transplant sounds painful and not great.
Therefore I will have my scientists create a robot liver that I will simply be able to swap parts in and out with once they become too eroded from all the whiskey. Maybe one for Mr. Miyagi, too.Flying Motorcycle with Sidecar for Mr. Miyagi- I believe this one explains itself.
Auto Tune my Voice- I will have the scientists create an Auto Tuner to be implanted into my voice box that I can toggle on and off, allowing me to talk like T-Pain randomly anytime I wanted.
Initiative No. 3: Buy a TV Network
This way, I could have the following shows either created or renewed: Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks, Deadwood, The Glenn Beck Gets Repeatedly Kicked in the Balls Happy-Time Hour,
Cooking With Gary Busey (cocaine-sprinkled French toast, anyone?), Life Lessons with Mickey Rourke, and the Patton Oswalt Does Whatever the Fuck He Wants Hour, because Patton Oswalt is the funniest fucker ever. This would all make me very happy.Initiative No. 4: A Team of Sexy Henchwomen
Mr. Miyagi wouldn’t be able to do all of my bidding, that’s why I would have a team of sexy henchwomen in my employ to get shit done.
Initiative No. 5: Find A Mortal Enemy
This will be crucial, because if I am going to be traveling all over the world with my monkey sidekick, I’m going to need a foil hellbent on destroying me and dominating the world. I’m hoping he would have a giant moustache that he could twirl while he talks about his plans.
So once I had these things in place, I would spend my life doing the following:
- Visit every country on earth
- Go big game hunting in Africa
- Visit every MLB stadium in one summer
- Have an epic battle with my enemy on a rooftop
- Ice luge with Mr. Miyagi
- Commission a movie to be made about my life
- Win the Stanley Cup
- Ride a bear like a horse
- Learn how to play the spoons (hambone!)
- Take a piss on the 50-yd line of the Big House
- Shoot fire arrows into a large building and then slowly walk away
while it explodes
- Play Tetris in the Kremlin
- Find that asshole that randomly punched me in the face in college and beat
his face in until he shits out his own teeth
- Complete and perform my rock opera about Abraham Lincoln
- Get it on in zero gravity
- Smoke a blunt with Willie Nelson
- Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight
- Fight the zombie apocalypse
- Etc.
