The Sweet/Weak List

New Running Item: The "Sweet/Weak List". Pretty self-explanatory, what we feel at Ninja Please are currently on our mind and are Sweet and/or Weak. Hopefully we'll be able to update it a few times a month.

Sweet:
1: Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (T.V. show)

Anthony Bourdain has my dream job: travel around the world, eat a bunch of expensive, incredible food, meet new people and get drunk with them, and get paid an assload for it. Also, he's an ex-junkie, and kind of a dick, which makes for good T.V.

2: Rudy "Nosferatu" Giuliani dropping out of the GOP Primary

Good riddance, and fuck you, Rudy. Asshole.

3: Boddington's Pub Ale

Sweet Christ-on-a-Cracker is this shit good. I can't stop drinking it, which sucks because it's like $18 for four. I'd probably be better off acquiring a massive coke habit, undoubtedly it would be cheaper. Still, next time you're at a halfway decent bar, order yourself one of these. You won't be sorry.

4: Michigan State Basketball

At last check, 19-2 and steamrolling the Big Ten. More importantly, doing an excellent job of washing that distinctive feces taste out of my mouth that the MSU football team left there after choking away the Michigan game, then crapping the bed in their Bowl game against Boston College. Saint Izzo is whipping his boys into shape, and I would be terrified to draw them in the tourney. Also, I freely admit to having a gigantic man-crush on Drew Neitzel. It is what it is. I make no apologies, but I also will honor the restraining order.

5: "Lost" season premier

Remember the end of last season, where we thought we were watching a flashback, but it turned out to be a flashforward, with Jack driving around with a Beard of Emotion, going to some weird dude's funeral, rocking out to Nirvana and trying to kill himself? That shit BLEW MY FUCKING MIND, man. I am officially horny for this new season. I am also a gigantic loser. Whatever.

Weak:
1: John Edwards dropping out of the Democratic Primaries

We are all poorer now for this. John Edwards was the only one besides Ron Paul keepin' it real, saying shit nobody wanted to hear but needed to hear. While Hillary and Obama argue about whether or not MLK was aided by LBJ in passing the civil rights bill or if it was the other way around, and whether or not a particular flower Hillary had in an arrangement behind her in a commercial she released three months ago was the official flower of the Confederacy during the Civil War which in turn means she's secretly racist, Edwards was hammering away on the issues, the stuff that matters: poverty in America, the staggering incompetence of our government to protect or rebuild New Orleans, and the issue closest to my heart: rooting out the stranglehold special interests have on our legislative agendas. Look up any Edwards speech, and he was methodically on point and fiercely loyal to real progressive ideas, especially the issue of universal health care. In fact, this leads us to the next item on this list...

2: America, for not having universal health care

What the fuck, America? Get your shit together. If you've ever had to go to the hospital and not had health care, you know what I'm talking about. Go in for an x-ray, ten stitches and a couple aspirin, next thing you know you're $20K in the hole and have to either sell a kidney on the black market or have to file for bankruptcy. This shit is ridiculous: we're flushing a BILLION dollars a week down the drain in Iraq, but we won't pay for health care of all of our citizens? It's downright barbaric. And don't give me that shit about how it will decrease the quality or you won't be able to choose you own doctor, that's the propaganda the insurance companies want you to believe. Ask a Canadian or a European if they can choose their doctor and how satisfied they are with their health care, and then you'll feel like a real ass. As you should.

3: Winter

Winter, you are an unforgiving bitch. Yesterday it was 46 degrees and I wore a sweatshirt to work, today I went outside and my testicles shot up into my liver trying to escape the cold. It was around 0. It should never be 0. Goddammit.

4: The Super Bowl

I don't even want to watch it, it hurts too bad. Football Jesus, I'm having a moment of doubt that lasts all offseason. Why throw that pass in overtime, why? Just take the sack. TAKE THE GODDAMN SACK!!! Can't you get back on the pills and booze? You were so much fun back then. And, most importantly, a better player. I can't even talk about this anymore. I'm getting shitfaced on Sunday, you can take that to the bank.

5: Kwame Kilpatrick not resigning

Kwame Kilpatrick is a corrupt thug. He fired a guy because he was going to reveal his affair and shady and unethical squandering of city funds, then lied about it under oath and perjured himself. What a fuck. Then, as a result of his lying and douchebaggery, cost an incredibly poor and cash-strapped city $9 MILLION DOLLARS in payouts and expenses to settle with the whistleblowers. How are there not riots in the streets, people with pitchforks and torches storming the Manoogian Mansion ready to tear his ass to shreds? Where is the outrage?

That's all, kiddies. Enjoy the Super Bowl.

UPDATE:
For more on John Edwards and the effect he's had on the campagin, check out the excellent opinion piece by Paul Krugman in today's N.Y. Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/01/opinion/01krugman.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

Drunk Blog!!!

OK, trying something new... I'm going to watch the GOP debate and write down my observations, only I am shitfaced. My drink count:

3 Guinness
1 Black & Tan
3 Irish Car Bombs
1 stupid shot Casey bought, it was sweet and tasted like cough syrup
2 SoCo & Lime

ANYWAY... the debate is starting, and the Republican candidates are very... white. Very white. In fact, Rudy Giuliani looks like a vampire. Come to think of it, he looks like this vampire:



And here is Rudy trying to feast on the blood of the young:



Vampires already? The debate just got started.

Observation: Mitt Romney looks like a Ken doll, only a Ken doll's evil boss. What a tremendous douche bag.



Mike Huckabee is not talking... the moderator is not asking him (or Ron Paul) any questions. These are the two most popular candidates with the people. LET THEM SPEAK! LET THEM SPEAK! What's that you say? The GOP is controlled by special interest groups and large corporations? Oh... oh yeah, that makes sense.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! This debate has been boring as shit so far, but Mitt Romney and John McCain are getting into a pissing match over illegal immigration. Apparently, Mitt Romney's Mormon religion not only prevents him thinking black people have souls (ED NOTE: The Mormons do not believe this, they admitted black people had souls in the 70's), but it also prevents him from giving a straight answer to a question. Good stuff. Oh, and Editor? Here's a direct quote from Brigham Young, lest you think I jest:

"You must not think, from what I say, that I am opposed to slavery. No! The negro is damned, and is to serve his master till God chooses to remove the curse of Ham..."

The Mormons, everybody! Happy New Year!

Oh! Ron Paul is talking. He is asked to compare himself with Barack Obama, and he says they're similiar because they are both campaigning with the support of the young people. In fact, he just introduced his new campaign spokesman:



Romney says McCain advocates amnesty for illegal immigrants... Romney advocates burning the genitals of each illegal immigrant with a hot poker... Sen. McCain opposes this, therefore he is soft on immigration... Fred Thompson is sleeping...Rudy Giuliani is drinking the blood of Britney Spears... Ron Paul says the pharmaceutical companies are evil... Mike Huckabee apparently doesn't exist... an emu has wandered onto the stage, but no one has noticed.

Nevermind. This is fucking exhausting. I quit.

Mahalo, bitches.

News Flash: Tigers Will Eat People, If Given Opportunity

Please read this story: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/02/tiger.attack/index.html?iref=newssearch

OK, now let me ask you something:

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I guess that was more of a statement than a question, but I think you get the idea. This might be my favorite news story of the year, and we're only a couple days in. Here is a quote:

"Something prompted our tiger to leap over the exhibit and all I can do is ensure that's never going to happen again at the San Francisco Zoo," said the facility's director Manuel Mollinedo Wednesday.

Gee, let me think... Hmmm... a tiger... attacking people... what would make it want to attack them... can't put my finger on it... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Wait... could it possibly be because IT'S A FUCKING TIGER?!?!?!?

Have you ever been around a tiger? No, you haven't, because the tiger would eat you. That is what tigers do, they eat animals smaller than them. This is what you look like to a tiger:


That's right, it's food. You look like a delicious roast turkey dinner to a tiger.

Now, I'm sorry that kid got eaten. That really is a bummer. But it didn't suprise me that a tiger ate him, and I don't think kids "taunting" the tiger had much effect. The story also breathlessly reports about investigators searching for "evidence" of taunting in the tiger's case. Apparently, they're examining "a large rock, a tree branch and other items". Really? A rock? Do they think since the tiger was taunted, he made his escape and purposely hunted down the kid that taunted him, or did his tiger instincts take over and just maul the easiest warm body he could? Furthermore, who the fuck is investigating this, CSI: Bedrock? A tree branch and a rock? Who the fuck knows why the tiger jumped out of it's cage?

This also brings up another point. While, again, a tragedy, how sweet would it have been to see a 350-lb Bengal Tiger get a running start and jump a 12 1/2 foot wall, then maul somebody? If there was video of this, it would have been the #1 download on YouTube.

I'm starting to get really sick of this shit. Remember when "Roy" of "Sigfried & Roy" got mauled by that tiger and everyone was so aghast? What do you think happens when you take a tiger out of the jungle, put it on a stage in front of hundreds of people, play loud music and dance around taunting it, trying to get it to do tricks? Right again, eventually IT WILL FUCKING EAT YOU. It's a tiger. Hell, I might even have bit his neck to get that weirdo away from me.

Another one was when Dale Earnhardt died in a race at Daytona. Hey, guess what will happen if you and fifty other jackasses drive two-tons of steel and plastic within six inches of each other at 175 mph for 500 miles? Yup, eventually someone is going to fucking crash and die. These are not surprises, people. They are tragedies, yes, and it's unfortunate they died. But if you stand on a stage and fuck with a tiger, or you race cars, aren't you kind of asking for it?

RIP, Dale. Your classy fans miss you.

Primary Predicitons

So I'm sure all four people who read this blog (Hi, Mom!) have been anxiously anticipating my next political blog, and have been severely disappointed. I haven't blogged about politics in a while because it has been so fucking depressing lately, and it has been nice not to pay attention to the flaming, sinking rat-infested shithole we currently call our government and political class.

Problem is, I just can't stay away. So I'm not going to get into it tonight, but one is on the way soon. And it will BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND, MAN. Also: maybe not. Anyway, I just wanted to make some quick predictions on the eve of the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, for posterity's sake:

Iowa
D- Barack Obama rises above Hillary and Edwards. This is totally happening.
R- Mitt Romney (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) with a big stiff-arm to Mike Huckabee. Huckabee has the momentum and the Jesus-freak vote on lockdown, but Romney poured so much money into Iowa and his organization is run so much better, I'm guessing they'll have better turnout.

New Hampshire
D- Hillary Clinton, but it's not going to matter because Obama is going to catch fire and sweep the Super Tuesday states, or come damn close.
R- John McCain- Imagine the GOP coming to their senses! Holy shit! I think McCain is going to get the nomination, but get his ass beat in the general election. This reeks of the run John Kerry made in the 2004 primaries when Democratic voters looked at their options and decided to reluctantly choose the guy that didn't scare them the most. And in this GOP field, which is incredibly fucking scary, the most rational choice is McCain (a sad statement in itself). This is definitely an upset, but so was Kerry in '04.

One more note: why the fuck do Iowa and New Hampshire get to decide who gets to run for president? Have you ever even fucking met someone who is from New Hampshire? I thought it was in Canada until a few weeks ago. There has GOT to be a better way to run this. We're letting a bunch of corn farmers and chowder eaters have a disproportionate amount of power in deciding who will be President. I am not cool with this.

Why should you care? Because last time we tried this, this fucktard is the best we could come up with:

Incredible.

Mahalo, bitches. Enjoy the spectacle.

Ghost's Super-Terrific Happy-Time Awesomeness Advice

Many of you, my loyal readers (read: nobody) have been bombarding me with questions on all different kinds of topics, searching for answers. It's understandable, really, that you would come to me with your problems; who better to help you figure out the complicated shit-storm of life than a lethargic (read: lazy) alcoholic pushing 30 pseudo-intellectual snarky jackass such as myself? Nobody, of course. God you're stupid.

ANYWAY, please direct your questions about life, death and everything in between to tadghostly@hotmail.com, and maybe you'll be lucky enough to have a reply from me in one of "Ghost's Super-Terrific Happy-Time Awesomeness Advice" posts. This posting, coincidentally, is actually the first one! You're welcome in advance.
My first question comes from Lukas in Des Moines, Iowa.

Dear Ghost,
Love your blog, but I have a serious problem I'd appreciate your help with: I have a massive rat infestation in my home! I swear to god they're everywhere- my kitchen, my basement, even my bedroom. Needless to say this has even impacted my love life, and not in good way- how could I take a woman back to my home (even if I paid her), with these rats scurrying to-and-fro? Thanks for your help.

Lukas,
Des Moines, Iowa

Well Lukas, sounds like you do have a serious problem. Not only are rats unsanitary, they are generally considered the hardest to get rid of in all of the Rodent Kingdom, which has a surprisingly complex hierarchy. For instance, Squirrels are the obvious king-princes of the rodents, by far the most social and financially well-off due to their constant hording of nuts and long-term mutual funds, although many of the other rodents consider them to be arrogant and kind of full of themselves. If they went to college, they would be the frat brothers with pastel polo shirts and popped-collars who call each other "bro" and get way, way into it when they have a few drinks and karaoke to that song "Rock Star" by Nickelback. If you know a squirrel, you know what I'm talking about. Douches.

Next we have the beavers, and as every knows nobody parties like a motherfuckin' beaver. They have, however, been known to take it to extremes- beavers can go on booze-filled benders for an entire warm season, then sleep their hangovers off for an entire winter. These guys are hard-core. Here's a tip: if a beaver ever attempts to get you to smoke a blunt with it, do not under any circumstances. I was hanging out with some beavers one night and a blunt was passed to me. I smoked some, and I don't remember much after that until I woke up wearing a clown suit in a pile of hay with my arm elbow-deep in a llama's throat and smelling of raw fish and shame. Point is they lace that shit, I think it was angel dust. Do Not, I repeat, Do Not get wet with a beaver.

Gerbils are another rodent to be wary of. Let's just be honest here, gerbils are goddamn perverts. I'm sure you're familiar with how people let them crawl up their asses for sexual pleasures, but have you ever wondered how they actually get them up there? Getting animals to do anything is difficult, my cat won't sit still for a vet appointment for christsakes. So how, you may inquire, do they get gerbils to do this? It's because they want to. They actually like crawling up people's asses and giving them butthole pleasures. They are creepy animals, and never leave one alone around your kids or Richard Gere.

There are other rodents that present their own unique problems- guinea pigs are slobs, they never do their dishes or shower on a regular basis. I had a roommate who was a guinea pig, and he always left his dirty guinea pig socks in our living room. They were argyle. Gophers are the practical jokers of the rodent kingdom, always creating elaborate set-ups for hilarious pranks- like the time they started that giant wildfire out in California. Good times!

Porcupines are the worst, so be glad, Lukas, that you don't have a porcupine infestation in your home. These guys are seriously a bunch of dicks. They party like beavers, smell worse than guinea pigs, like to play jokes like gophers (except their jokes involve screwing your girlfriend and peeing in your shampoo bottles), and they're almost as big of douche bags as squirrels, but not quite. Fuckin' porkies.

That brings us to rats. First off, Lukas, you need to identify which type of rat has infested your home. There are several kinds, each with it's own different strengths and weaknesses.


The Robot Rat: this type of rat can be very difficult to get rid of. Because they're half-rodent, half-robot, they can survive almost any type of attack. My advice: confound their artificial intelligence by dropping a question with circular logic that cannot be answered. For instance: If you're eating breakfast, and one of the robot rats scurries onto your table, and starts blathering their binary-code robot squeaking at you, put down your spoon and calmly ask them: "Robot Rat, can you help me with a question? This grapefruit I've been eating has been puzzling me. Can you tell me which came first, the grapefruit which contains the seeds, or the seed of the grapefruit which allows the grapefruit tree to grow?" This will work because on top of being robotic, robot rats are intellectually vain and will want to answer your question correctly. Because there is no answer, his head may explode. This is not what you want; what you want is for the rat to go ask the other rats, then have all of their heads explode with the complexity of the question. This should work, but you may have to ask a few different rats.


Mutant rat: This can be a problem. Depending on how this rat mutated, it may have special abilities. Hopefully these particular rats did not mutate into humanoid ninjas, because if they did you're fucked for a couple different reasons: 1- judging my your stupid name and the stupid city you live in, Lukas, you yourself are not a ninja. Therefore, there is no way you could possibly defeat a ninja in battle, let alone an mutant rat ninja. 2- You possibly could hire a pirate to defeat the ninjas, but it would have to be a mutant cat pirate- a mutant rat ninja's natural enemy. Good luck finding a mutant cat pirate. You may want to consider moving, or beginning ninja training.


Canadian rat: These rats are actually very polite, and mostly white. They thrive on cold weather and Celine Dion songs, so if you've been listening to a lot of Celine Dion lately, this may have attracted them. Also, you listen to Celine Dion, and now everyone knows. This may be a bigger problem than the rats. Still, this is a pretty easy one. It's very well known that Canadian rats love french fries and gravy, so you need to set up a constant survailance. I'm talking high-tech microscopic hidden cameras everywhere around your house, so you can study their habits. You need to set up a sting where the rats are eating a big pile of fries and gravy, then you need to create a diversion. Once you've distracted the rats, perhaps with another sexy female rat you hired to work undercover for you (note: make sure undercover rat is not a double agent actually working for the Canadian rats), you need to slip some rat poision into it's fries and gravy. The rats will surely die, but you may feel bad since the Canadian rats were pretty nice guys. Still, you can't have them sitting around your house watching hockey all day, drinking Molson and spreading socialism. This is America, motherfucker. These Colors Don't Run.

Ordinary rat: Call an exterminator, you dumbass.

Again, you're welcome, Lukas. Keep those questions coming.

Waaaaay too much time on my hands

My friend Jeff, in posting on my blog on my unending hatred of the Dallas Cowboys, brought up an interesting point. He mentioned how much he hates Terrell Owens in real life, but loves video game Terrell Owens. This got me thinking about how much I play video games, and how much of a disgusting slob I really am. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being not lazy at all and 10 being Homer Simpson from the episode where he got purposely fat so he became disabled, wore a mumu and waved a broom handle at neighborhood kids that taunted him lazy, I'd say I'm right around a 6.5. I haven't gotten to the point of wearing a mumu yet (projected date: March 2010), but I certainly have come home shithaused from the bar, started playing a game of Madden, passed out in a drunken stupor on my couch, awoke the next afternoon to find to my delight that I paused the game in the middle, and simply started playing again when I woke up. Maybe I shouldn't be telling people these things.

ANYWAY, I also got to thinking about the different sports video game characters over the years, and how much this has shaped my opinion of them in real life, and vice versa. So I've decided to come up with a comprehensive list of these characters, because this will be way more fun than working. In no particular order:


11- Jon Sundvold, Tecmo NBA Basketball, NES- Who is Jon Sundvold, you ask? Only the deadliest 3-point threat ever to inhabit a video game. He was on the Miami Heat, and from the top of the key he simply could not be stopped. He also might rival Jud Buechler for the "Jeff Hornacek Memorial Dorkiest White Guy to Play in the NBA in the Last 20 Years" award. Seriously, look at him. I had no idea he actually existed until I discovered him on this game, and to be honest I think he is a sophisticated long-range shooting android created in an attempt to take over the basketball world. Unfortunately, his creators forgot to include some minor details to his game: jumping ability, speed, ball handling skills, and any ability to play defense. Other than that, bang up job diabolical basketball scientists! He works for ESPN as a college basketball analyst now, and I also suspect that he exists only as a head, much like the heads kept in jars on Futurama.


10- Rod Woodson, Tecmo Super Bowl, SNES- After worshiping at the altar of Tecmo Super Bowl for regular Nintendo, needless to say I was psyched to dive into the new version on Super Nintendo. It was 16 fucking bits of pure sexual anticipation, and of course it was a giant letdown. It looked like the original but sure as hell didn't play like the original. "Hey, let's take out all of the unrealistic superhuman abilities of the players that made the first games fun, but keep the graphics shitty!" seemed to be their motto on this one. There was, however, one shining beacon of redemption on this game, and it came in the persona of one Rod Woodson. Faster than everyone on defense, unstoppable on kick returns, he was a beast. I was a huge Rod Woodson fan in real life because of this. I also loved him because when I first played this game at my friend Valley's house, I made him literally cry tears of rage and watched him trash his basement as Woodson would jog untouched into the end zone after my 3rd kickoff return for a TD in a row. I love seeing people lose their shit.


9- Brian Bosworth, Tecmo Bowl, NES- Just kidding. But seriously, this is a sweet excuse to include a picture of the Boz. Fuckin' Boz.


8- The Laser Robot, Base Wars, NES- The ultimate weapon. I can't even go into this one, but if you've played the game you know. The Laser is unstopable. Also, a certian teacher from North Carolina does a sublime air guitar to the theme song to this game.


7- The Fat Guy, Ice Hockey, NES- You could only choose from three different guys that all looked the same- a skinny guy, a medium guy and the fat guy. The Fat Guy was by far my favorite, despite his much slower skating ability and his penchant for taking 5 minutes to get up off of the ice, he could kick the shit out of the other guys, and had the slap shot of a Norse god, and for that I love him. This has also helped me see obese people in a different light, teaching me to consider their virtues in spite of the fact their rolls are hanging over their arm rests and encroaching on my personal space in my tiny airplane seat. See, video games are enlightening and good for society.


6- Lawrence Taylor, Tecmo Super Bowl, NES- LT is the best. Even before he went on "60 Minutes" and entertained us with tales of sending drugs and prostitutes to opponent's hotel rooms before games, even before he entertained us with an incomparable turn as a drug-addled flamboyant linebacker in "Any Given Sunday" (A dive into method acting that even DiNiro is envious of), even before he entertained us with his constant drug abuse and revolving-door rehab frequenting, LT was entertaining us as a demon on the football field as a part of Tecmo Super Bowl. No shit, I recorded almost 100 sacks in a single season with LT. He was, of course, faster than all the other players, but the best thing about him was if his health rating was "excellent", you didn't even have to grapple with blockers and kill your thumb slamming the "A" button over and over again, because the blockers would fucking bounce off of you and fly fifteen yards down field! What was that repelling off the blockers? A force field of cocaine, rage and self-loathing, perhaps? Whatever it was, LT is the shit, and sometimes I am scared he is hiding under my bed waiting to rape me. Not because he would like it, just because he's bored on a Tuesday night and Bill Parcells told him to. I swear, one time I saw the flash of his lightning-bolt dangling earring down there. I think I know how Joe Theisman feels now. I might need to talk to someone.


5- Chet Lemon, RBI Baseball, NES- RBI Baseball is the shit, and there are a ton of great players on this game, but the one that always seemed to come up big was Chet "Motherfuckin" Lemon. Big home runs, a sweet flat top fade... it doesn't get much better. Plus, he has his own beer. How kick-ass is that?


4- Terry Glenn, Madden '03, XBox- Fuck you Terry Glenn. Fuck you in the face. You know what you did, but let's recap: whined your way out of New England, then got my hopes up by coming to Green Bay. Then, as you are wont to do, the sand in your vagina became too much to handle and you ended up whining your way out of Green Bay, only to end up playing solid for the Dallas Cowboys the last few years. On top of all that, you were the biggest d-bag ever to grace a Madden game. Wide open over the middle? You'll drop it. Running play outside? You'll let the cornerback push you on your ass. In a nutshell, you suck at real football, Madden football, and life in general. Also, nice hair.


3- The Troll, Jerry Glandville's PigSkin Footbrawl- How obscure of a reference is this? I love Jerry Glandville for the following things: playing for Northern Michigan, letting his name be attached to easily the most bizarre football game ever made, and of course the biggest: trading the Football Jesus to the Packers. Jerry Glandville, you are truly a king among men. As far as this fucked-up game is concerned, it's a football game set in medieval times where the players wear chain mail and armor and are allowed to have weapons, such as an axe and a broadsword. The best part, though, was if one team was behind the crowd chanted "Bring in the Troll! Bring in the Troll!" Sure enough giant gates would open and a gigantic green Troll would emerge. The Troll was around ten feet taller than all the others, and would kick the shit out of everyone. Now that I can look back at it, what a stupid fucking game this is. I desperately need a life.


2- Michael Vick, Madden '04, PlayStation- 99 speed, a gun for an arm, and the best dog-fight promoter this side of Tijuana. It's almost unfair, really, and he caused the implementation of the "Tecmo Bo" rule- in a two player head-to-head game, all things being equal, you can't take the Falcons. That's some rarefied air. The personal shit aside, he was a hell of a lot of fun to watch play. Come to think of it, what's the big deal about dog fighting? Oh, it's inhumane, monstrous and completely wrong? Well, then, I guess I'm the asshole here. I GUESS I'M THE ASSHOLE HERE.

1- Bo "Tecmo Bo" Jackson, Tecmo Super Bowl, NES- I know it's cliche, and I know everyone already knows about Tecmo Bo, but this video says everything:

The Dallas Cowboys are Cheating Assholes

OK, I may not have proof of this, but sweet Christ-on-a-cracker do I hate the Dallas Cowboys. How could anybody not? Just look at the collection of derelicts and smug dickfaces they've employed over the years: Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Deon Sanders, Leon Lett, Joseph Stalin, Michael "I'm Holding That Crack Pipe for a Friend" Irvin, Adolf Hitler, Charles Haley, Tony Romo (enjoy those herpes Britney Spears rubbed all over you when she gave you that lap dance), and most of all, Terrell Owens. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK Terrell Owens.

I've always hated them, but the game this Thursday vs. the Packers pushed it over the edge. It started right away, with that bullshit "forward progress" call when Al Harris stripped Owens in the first quarter. It was downhill from there, with every time a Packer DB breathed a yellow flag flew in the air. Then they had the nerve to knock the Football Jesus out of the game, no doubt this will result in a swift and horrible punishment from the Football Gods. I'm thinking Wade Phillips' bra brakes in the middle of the 3rd quarter, or something to that effect.

The only good thing about this game was that Aaron Fucking Rodgers almost led them back, and without their best DB (Charles Woodson) and their starting right end (KGB), leading me to conclude that if the Football Jesus hadn't been injured and Mike McCarthy ditched Ray Rhodes' game plan from 1999 and actually went back to the controlled, precision-passing offense that won them ten games in the first place, the Jesus would have led the back to victory. If they meet again in the NFC Championship game, my money is on the Pack.