Ghost: Man of Leisure

God I fucking hate working. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have job, and my current job is actually a pretty good gig- laid back environment, friendly and fun people, I don't dread going there every day (I actually sort of like it), so I really shouldn’t be complaining.

That still doesn’t make it ok, though. Human beings were not meant to work. Sitting in a cubicle creating spreadsheets and quarterly goals goes against every fiber of our being. We were meant to live lives of leisure, much like the animals- exploring, hunting, gathering, etc. Have you thought about what your pet does all day? They eat, run around, play, sleep, hump something, eat, play, maybe lick themselves a bit, eat, play some more, then take a nap. That’s awesome, and that’s the type of life we as humans should be experiencing. Instead, with our stupid evolved brains and stupid opposable digits we’ve built ourselves a stupid society that absolutely depends on hundreds of millions of faceless minions like me to push paper and toil in ultimately fruitless and soul-crushing busy work, creating nothing except existential angst and stress.

Well fuck all that noise. I’ve got a new plan. And it’s pretty awesome. Peep this:

Step 1: Quit working.
Step 2: TBD
Step 3: PROFIT!!!
Step 4: Live a life of leisure.

I know, pretty great plan, right? Right. After all the profit, I will be free to live my life exactly how I want it. I need to make sure I have this part planned out as well, because I want to get the most out of life as possible. Therefore, I have a few initiatives laid out in advance, which I have outlined here.

Initiative No. 1: Monkey Best Friend
Ever seen that movie, the Island of “Dr. Moreau?” Don’t. That movie sucks horse balls, but there is one particularly awesome thing about it: Dr. Moreau has a little person best friend that is dressed exactly like him at all times and goes everywhere with him. He even plays a miniature piano. That is sooooo sweet I’m jealous I didn’t think of it first. The only problem is the little person is that movie is beyond creepy- seriously, look at him- so I would change it up a bit and make it into a monkey instead. The monkey would dress exactly like me and we would go everywhere together- the bar, football games, weddings, parties, you name it. One episode of the Simpsons Homer got a helper monkey named Mojo, and it was awesome until Mojo drank and smoked too much and got sick. I would have to make sure my monkey best friend was not a lightweight- my monkey would be drinking miniature versions of all the drinks I have- so I would have to party with a bunch of different monkeys to see which type of monkey could best handle their booze (my money’s on chimps. And I know they’re not monkeys, but, uh, shut up). Nothing would be more embarrassing than to be out partying with my monkey best friend, and see him pass out in a pile of his own vomit after one miniature Irish car bomb. That can’t happen, as my new life of leisure is going to involve an assload of drinking, and my monkey best friend is going to have to be able to hang.

Also, my monkey would be my personal bodyguard. I would have my monkey trained by the best, having it learn all aspects of hand-to-hand combat, marksmanship, evasive driving maneuvers, CPR, etc. This way, if someone tried to mess with me, they wouldn’t expect my monkey best friend to scissor kick them in the face and choke them out while I laughed manically. Since my monkey would be such an awesome badass, I would name him Mr. Miyagi.

Initiative No. 2: Establish a Team of Crack Scientists
If I am going to fully experience all life has to offer, I am going to need some enhancements. Upgrades, if you will. I’m not nearly smart enough to create all of these things on my own, so I’ll have to have a team of Lucious Fox-types to invent the things I need. Here’s what I’ll get them working on right away:

Mechanical Liver With Replaceable Parts- Let’s be honest, if I’m going to be partying so much (and rest assured, I am), my liver is eventually going to give out. That’s why I’m going to need a new one later on down the line, but a liver transplant sounds painful and not great. Therefore I will have my scientists create a robot liver that I will simply be able to swap parts in and out with once they become too eroded from all the whiskey. Maybe one for Mr. Miyagi, too.

Flying Motorcycle with Sidecar for Mr. Miyagi- I believe this one explains itself.

Auto Tune my Voice- I will have the scientists create an Auto Tuner to be implanted into my voice box that I can toggle on and off, allowing me to talk like T-Pain randomly anytime I wanted.

Initiative No. 3: Buy a TV Network
This way, I could have the following shows either created or renewed: Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks, Deadwood, The Glenn Beck Gets Repeatedly Kicked in the Balls Happy-Time Hour, Cooking With Gary Busey (cocaine-sprinkled French toast, anyone?), Life Lessons with Mickey Rourke, and the Patton Oswalt Does Whatever the Fuck He Wants Hour, because Patton Oswalt is the funniest fucker ever. This would all make me very happy.

Initiative No. 4: A Team of Sexy Henchwomen
Mr. Miyagi wouldn’t be able to do all of my bidding, that’s why I would have a team of sexy henchwomen in my employ to get shit done.

Initiative No. 5: Find A Mortal Enemy
This will be crucial, because if I am going to be traveling all over the world with my monkey sidekick, I’m going to need a foil hellbent on destroying me and dominating the world. I’m hoping he would have a giant moustache that he could twirl while he talks about his plans.

So once I had these things in place, I would spend my life doing the following:

- Visit every country on earth
- Go big game hunting in Africa
- Visit every MLB stadium in one summer
- Have an epic battle with my enemy on a rooftop
- Ice luge with Mr. Miyagi
- Commission a movie to be made about my life
- Win the Stanley Cup
- Ride a bear like a horse
- Learn how to play the spoons (hambone!)
- Take a piss on the 50-yd line of the Big House
- Shoot fire arrows into a large building and then slowly walk away
while it explodes
- Play Tetris in the Kremlin
- Find that asshole that randomly punched me in the face in college and beat
his face in until he shits out his own teeth
- Complete and perform my rock opera about Abraham Lincoln
- Get it on in zero gravity
- Smoke a blunt with Willie Nelson
- Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight
- Fight the zombie apocalypse
- Etc.

Shamrocks and Shenanigans

Ah, St. Paddy's Day... It's like Christmas, my birthday, an orgasm and Mardi Gras all rolled into one, but only if the holiday was held in honor of King Awesome and powered by Irish car bombs. There is no greater day than St. Paddy's day, for the following reasons:

1- Booze- One of the only days during the year it's acceptable to start drinking before noon (the others being birthdays, funerals, weddings, tax day, tailgates, and of course Abraham Lincoln's birthday. That wiry fucker could drink. You think he freed the slaves sober? Puh-leeze). Granted, drinking before noon being "acceptable" never really stopped me from sneaking a pull or two off of my flask of Wild Turkey on the way to work in the morning (just for an eye-opener), but this day I don't have to hide it. I love booze, I love all the different forms it comes in, and in fact I shall rank acceptable St. Paddy's day drinks right here, for your reading pleasure:

A- Irish Car Bombs- the best of both worlds, because it contains the three things
listed under it, all combined into one unholy shot of pure Irish deliciousness. If
you're out drinking for St. Paddy's day and you don't take at least one Irish Car
Bomb, then you are a pitiful fucking excuse for a drunk. For shame.
B- Guinness- the lifeblood of the Irish. Pints of Guinness make you strong.
C- Jamison whiskey- if Guinness is the lifeblood of the Irish, then this is what
is in every dirty mick's baby bottle. I'm normally not rich enough to drink it on
a regular basis, but once a year I'll bong this shit. Mmmmm, whiskey.
D- Bailey's Irish Cream- I know what you're thinking "Hey, isn't that the shit my
Mom pours into her coffee when she thinks noboby's looking that allows her to
cope with the utter debacle of a failure of a meaningless, shallow life she
leads?" Yes. Yes it is. It's also distinctly Irish, and not everyone can stomach
Guinness and whiskey all day. It's ok. This one day a year, you get a free pass
for drinking this all day. Just remember, mix a car bomb or two in there to avoid
complete pussifiness.
E- Green Beer- a step down, but still acceptable. Effort to die gallons of beer
green for no reason is to be respected, but don't forget it's still a shitty
American macro brew you're drinking. Bonus points for you poop being green for
three days afterward. Plus, projectile vomiting from your every orifice looks WAY
cooler when it's bright green.
F- Everything else- if it's booze, you're on the right track. Just make sure no
drunken Murph spots you sporting a white-wine spritzer, or you might end up with a
blarney stone up your ass.

2- Drunk girls- This can be summed up by one of my best St. Paddy's day stories: a few years ago, I woke up and started drinking whiskey at 6 AM, was into the bar by 7 AM, ate a breakfast of green eggs and ham, then teamed up to down (literally) 5 gallons of green beer between six friends. Later in the afternoon at a party, I took a shot of whiskey and it set me over the edge- I was standing on their front porch, I leaned over and tossed my Irish confetti all over the bushes, really an impressive display of vomiting acumen, controlled spray and stream, clean follow through, minimal clean up, did get a little on my shamrock sweater. Around twelve people were standing around and all started cheering congratulating/making fun of me, but I persevered and kept drinking. I’m a trooper. Still on the porch, no more than a half-hour later, one of the girls that was on the porch watching me puke my guts out made out with me. There is no way she would have given me the time of day sober. God, I fucking LOVE St. Paddy's day. And drunk girls. And booze.

3- Fighting- The Irish are known as a bunch of temperamental, irrational drunks, and they certainly live up to their reputation on March 17th every year. I’ve been blind drunk and had knock-down, drag-out fistfights with some of my best friends, and we’ve always ended the night toasting each other again. Which brings me to…

4- Blackout drunkenness- The perfect excuse:

You: “Hey, Ghost, you were a real asshole last night… you drank all my whiskey, made out with my sister, peed on my TV, puked on my dog and punched a hole in my wall. You’re an asshole.”

Me: “Yeah, sorry, but I blacked out, I don’t remember anything, so I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Except for making out with your sister, which was sweet. “

You: “I can’t stay mad at you. I wish I could quit you, you loveable blackout drunk Irish scamp.”

Me: “Word.”

5- The Music- St. Paddy’s day gives me the perfect excuse to stand on a chair in a bar and drunkenly blare “Kiss My Irish Ass” at the top of my lungs. What’s better than that? It also is a great excuse to play some of my favorite bands: Flogging Molly, The Pogues, Dropkick Murphys, really every Irish punk band is appropriate on the Day O’th Irish.

6- Booze- Did I mention this one yet? Can’t remember. I’ve had a few. Anyway, here’s a great quote from the prophet Homer Simpson: “Alcohol- the cause of - and solution to- all of life’s problems.” ‘Nuf said.

7- Shamrock Shakes- Why are they mint? Why do you ask so many questions? Shut the fuck up and drink the goddamn shake. It’s green. A very appropriate breakfast for a day of drinking other green liquids.

8- This video from a St. Paddy’s day parade. A microcosm of the spirit of drunken idiots. Watch for the old guy.



Happy St. Paddy's day, you drunken bastards!

The Sweet/Weak List

New Running Item: The "Sweet/Weak List". Pretty self-explanatory, what we feel at Ninja Please are currently on our mind and are Sweet and/or Weak. Hopefully we'll be able to update it a few times a month.

Sweet:
1: Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (T.V. show)

Anthony Bourdain has my dream job: travel around the world, eat a bunch of expensive, incredible food, meet new people and get drunk with them, and get paid an assload for it. Also, he's an ex-junkie, and kind of a dick, which makes for good T.V.

2: Rudy "Nosferatu" Giuliani dropping out of the GOP Primary

Good riddance, and fuck you, Rudy. Asshole.

3: Boddington's Pub Ale

Sweet Christ-on-a-Cracker is this shit good. I can't stop drinking it, which sucks because it's like $18 for four. I'd probably be better off acquiring a massive coke habit, undoubtedly it would be cheaper. Still, next time you're at a halfway decent bar, order yourself one of these. You won't be sorry.

4: Michigan State Basketball

At last check, 19-2 and steamrolling the Big Ten. More importantly, doing an excellent job of washing that distinctive feces taste out of my mouth that the MSU football team left there after choking away the Michigan game, then crapping the bed in their Bowl game against Boston College. Saint Izzo is whipping his boys into shape, and I would be terrified to draw them in the tourney. Also, I freely admit to having a gigantic man-crush on Drew Neitzel. It is what it is. I make no apologies, but I also will honor the restraining order.

5: "Lost" season premier

Remember the end of last season, where we thought we were watching a flashback, but it turned out to be a flashforward, with Jack driving around with a Beard of Emotion, going to some weird dude's funeral, rocking out to Nirvana and trying to kill himself? That shit BLEW MY FUCKING MIND, man. I am officially horny for this new season. I am also a gigantic loser. Whatever.

Weak:
1: John Edwards dropping out of the Democratic Primaries

We are all poorer now for this. John Edwards was the only one besides Ron Paul keepin' it real, saying shit nobody wanted to hear but needed to hear. While Hillary and Obama argue about whether or not MLK was aided by LBJ in passing the civil rights bill or if it was the other way around, and whether or not a particular flower Hillary had in an arrangement behind her in a commercial she released three months ago was the official flower of the Confederacy during the Civil War which in turn means she's secretly racist, Edwards was hammering away on the issues, the stuff that matters: poverty in America, the staggering incompetence of our government to protect or rebuild New Orleans, and the issue closest to my heart: rooting out the stranglehold special interests have on our legislative agendas. Look up any Edwards speech, and he was methodically on point and fiercely loyal to real progressive ideas, especially the issue of universal health care. In fact, this leads us to the next item on this list...

2: America, for not having universal health care

What the fuck, America? Get your shit together. If you've ever had to go to the hospital and not had health care, you know what I'm talking about. Go in for an x-ray, ten stitches and a couple aspirin, next thing you know you're $20K in the hole and have to either sell a kidney on the black market or have to file for bankruptcy. This shit is ridiculous: we're flushing a BILLION dollars a week down the drain in Iraq, but we won't pay for health care of all of our citizens? It's downright barbaric. And don't give me that shit about how it will decrease the quality or you won't be able to choose you own doctor, that's the propaganda the insurance companies want you to believe. Ask a Canadian or a European if they can choose their doctor and how satisfied they are with their health care, and then you'll feel like a real ass. As you should.

3: Winter

Winter, you are an unforgiving bitch. Yesterday it was 46 degrees and I wore a sweatshirt to work, today I went outside and my testicles shot up into my liver trying to escape the cold. It was around 0. It should never be 0. Goddammit.

4: The Super Bowl

I don't even want to watch it, it hurts too bad. Football Jesus, I'm having a moment of doubt that lasts all offseason. Why throw that pass in overtime, why? Just take the sack. TAKE THE GODDAMN SACK!!! Can't you get back on the pills and booze? You were so much fun back then. And, most importantly, a better player. I can't even talk about this anymore. I'm getting shitfaced on Sunday, you can take that to the bank.

5: Kwame Kilpatrick not resigning

Kwame Kilpatrick is a corrupt thug. He fired a guy because he was going to reveal his affair and shady and unethical squandering of city funds, then lied about it under oath and perjured himself. What a fuck. Then, as a result of his lying and douchebaggery, cost an incredibly poor and cash-strapped city $9 MILLION DOLLARS in payouts and expenses to settle with the whistleblowers. How are there not riots in the streets, people with pitchforks and torches storming the Manoogian Mansion ready to tear his ass to shreds? Where is the outrage?

That's all, kiddies. Enjoy the Super Bowl.

UPDATE:
For more on John Edwards and the effect he's had on the campagin, check out the excellent opinion piece by Paul Krugman in today's N.Y. Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/01/opinion/01krugman.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin