Ghost vs. Pope: Point Counterpoint

Does God care about your child’s Christmas pageant?

In this season of giving there is much going on and you’ve put a lot of effort into your eldest child’s school Christmas pageant.

Long hours spent rehearsing lines to ensure he/she performs like the special little snowflake they are. Many nights relaxation given up to aid the somewhat overzealous drama teacher in building ‘authentic’ first century manger sets (but that’s okay because if we can’t put in a solid effort this time of year, when can we?). And a slight level of neglect to your spouse and other child(ren) as you’ve focused a large portion of your last month on a 1 hour show involving 2 dozen children (who are all special).

Given all of this, one has to ask, does God, The Most Divine, King of Kings, Yahweh, Light of Light, Elohim, Giver of All that is Good, really have time to care about, and pay attention to your child’s pageant? Of COURSE He does. There is no way whatsoever that God would focus on anything or anywhere else for that magical hour December 24th.

COUNTERPOINT:

With all due respect, Pope, you are an ignorant, smelly whore. You're missing the point entirely. I will concede that all of the joyous singing and celebration and sweet cherubic souls making merriment MIGHT get the attention of God. But you know who cares more? This guy:



That's right boys and girls, it's Satan. Lucifer. The Devil. Trevor (some of his names are better than others). And he cares WAY more than lame-ass God. Just look at him: Rocking out with his cock out with that sweet axe. Robert Johnson sold his soul to him at the crossroads to become the best blues guitar player ever. Led Zepplin made a pact with him and were bestowed the power of Rock.

It's quite well known that Satan will make deals- it happens every day. But God? He doesn't bargain. How often have people bargained with Him to cure their cancer, to save them from death, to make them rich, to grant them their wishes, and how often does he come through? NEVER. God doesn't give a shit. Look at what He did to Haiti- you have to admit that was kind of a dick move. The Devil? He HELPS people (for a price, of course). God is an aloof dick sitting high on his horse looking down at us and JUDGING everything we do. Who needs that kind of pressure? Satan doesn't judge, he loves you for who you are. He's not so hung up on "rules" and "commandments". Dedicating your holiday pageant to God instead of Satan is a critical mistake: instead of boring church songs and crappy line-readings and poorly-built sets, you could have Satan help you out with things. Think of it: the power to see your kids rocking the fuck out and melting faces with their sweet guitar riffs, all the pyrotechnics you could imagine, awesome, professionally built sets that rise from the ground and blow your mind.

Now think about which you would rather see... thought so. Parents: Think about how much time and effort you put in to making something so crappy and boring that not even the kids want to be in. Do the right thing: put on a Satanbration(TM) instead of a Christmas pageant, it will be worth it. For now, anyway.

No more Nazi's!

Alright. Seriously. Enough. WWII ended 64 years ago. SIXTY-FOUR YEARS! That means someone born when the war ended can collect social security next year.

What’s my point, aside from the obvious that old ppl are weird and move too slowly on the freeway, in grocery lines, out of the way of my fists? Movies, comics, books, are no longer allowed to have Nazis as villains! I mean, look how bad it’s gotten: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278340/

Really? Zombie Nazi’s? And in the goddamn snow? Wow. Genius. Typically I love a good mixing of genre’s as much as the next religious superhero (Kwanza Jones is a sucker for post Apocalyptic love stories),

but this is just stupid. You might be saying “But Action Pope, how cool is that? Zombie Nazi’s!” Fuck off.

This is clearly a severe lack of imagination. I can think of 5 better zombie villains right now.

1. Zombie postal workers – they’re disgruntled, they have guns, AND they’re not delivering the latest issue of Playboy. Fuckers!

2. Zombie clowns – sure, Zombieland had 1, what about nothing but zombie clowns. The mere idea of it scares the shit out of me.

3. Zombie midgets – who wouldn’t watch that movie?

4. Zombie bears – cause a regular bear isn’t scary enough.

5. Zombie squirrels – you know how hard it is to punch a squirrel? Or hit it with an axe? Or shoot it? Seriously, we’d be fucked.

See, right there, 5 kickass ideas that are not hack. Nazi’s were cool when Harrison Ford was fighting them in the 30s and 40s, but let’s be honest, those days are past. Our generation, who grew up with comics, cartoons, and cool movies is now in charge and by and large, making some kickass entertainment (Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, Grant Morrison’s Batman & Robin series, Neal Patrick Harris in How I Met Your Mother, etc.)

Using a Nazi as a villain is the equivalent of putting your concept in space http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0211443/. STOP IT!

Ghost: Man of Leisure

God I fucking hate working. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have job, and my current job is actually a pretty good gig- laid back environment, friendly and fun people, I don't dread going there every day (I actually sort of like it), so I really shouldn’t be complaining.

That still doesn’t make it ok, though. Human beings were not meant to work. Sitting in a cubicle creating spreadsheets and quarterly goals goes against every fiber of our being. We were meant to live lives of leisure, much like the animals- exploring, hunting, gathering, etc. Have you thought about what your pet does all day? They eat, run around, play, sleep, hump something, eat, play, maybe lick themselves a bit, eat, play some more, then take a nap. That’s awesome, and that’s the type of life we as humans should be experiencing. Instead, with our stupid evolved brains and stupid opposable digits we’ve built ourselves a stupid society that absolutely depends on hundreds of millions of faceless minions like me to push paper and toil in ultimately fruitless and soul-crushing busy work, creating nothing except existential angst and stress.

Well fuck all that noise. I’ve got a new plan. And it’s pretty awesome. Peep this:

Step 1: Quit working.
Step 2: TBD
Step 3: PROFIT!!!
Step 4: Live a life of leisure.

I know, pretty great plan, right? Right. After all the profit, I will be free to live my life exactly how I want it. I need to make sure I have this part planned out as well, because I want to get the most out of life as possible. Therefore, I have a few initiatives laid out in advance, which I have outlined here.

Initiative No. 1: Monkey Best Friend
Ever seen that movie, the Island of “Dr. Moreau?” Don’t. That movie sucks horse balls, but there is one particularly awesome thing about it: Dr. Moreau has a little person best friend that is dressed exactly like him at all times and goes everywhere with him. He even plays a miniature piano. That is sooooo sweet I’m jealous I didn’t think of it first. The only problem is the little person is that movie is beyond creepy- seriously, look at him- so I would change it up a bit and make it into a monkey instead. The monkey would dress exactly like me and we would go everywhere together- the bar, football games, weddings, parties, you name it. One episode of the Simpsons Homer got a helper monkey named Mojo, and it was awesome until Mojo drank and smoked too much and got sick. I would have to make sure my monkey best friend was not a lightweight- my monkey would be drinking miniature versions of all the drinks I have- so I would have to party with a bunch of different monkeys to see which type of monkey could best handle their booze (my money’s on chimps. And I know they’re not monkeys, but, uh, shut up). Nothing would be more embarrassing than to be out partying with my monkey best friend, and see him pass out in a pile of his own vomit after one miniature Irish car bomb. That can’t happen, as my new life of leisure is going to involve an assload of drinking, and my monkey best friend is going to have to be able to hang.

Also, my monkey would be my personal bodyguard. I would have my monkey trained by the best, having it learn all aspects of hand-to-hand combat, marksmanship, evasive driving maneuvers, CPR, etc. This way, if someone tried to mess with me, they wouldn’t expect my monkey best friend to scissor kick them in the face and choke them out while I laughed manically. Since my monkey would be such an awesome badass, I would name him Mr. Miyagi.

Initiative No. 2: Establish a Team of Crack Scientists
If I am going to fully experience all life has to offer, I am going to need some enhancements. Upgrades, if you will. I’m not nearly smart enough to create all of these things on my own, so I’ll have to have a team of Lucious Fox-types to invent the things I need. Here’s what I’ll get them working on right away:

Mechanical Liver With Replaceable Parts- Let’s be honest, if I’m going to be partying so much (and rest assured, I am), my liver is eventually going to give out. That’s why I’m going to need a new one later on down the line, but a liver transplant sounds painful and not great. Therefore I will have my scientists create a robot liver that I will simply be able to swap parts in and out with once they become too eroded from all the whiskey. Maybe one for Mr. Miyagi, too.

Flying Motorcycle with Sidecar for Mr. Miyagi- I believe this one explains itself.

Auto Tune my Voice- I will have the scientists create an Auto Tuner to be implanted into my voice box that I can toggle on and off, allowing me to talk like T-Pain randomly anytime I wanted.

Initiative No. 3: Buy a TV Network
This way, I could have the following shows either created or renewed: Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks, Deadwood, The Glenn Beck Gets Repeatedly Kicked in the Balls Happy-Time Hour, Cooking With Gary Busey (cocaine-sprinkled French toast, anyone?), Life Lessons with Mickey Rourke, and the Patton Oswalt Does Whatever the Fuck He Wants Hour, because Patton Oswalt is the funniest fucker ever. This would all make me very happy.

Initiative No. 4: A Team of Sexy Henchwomen
Mr. Miyagi wouldn’t be able to do all of my bidding, that’s why I would have a team of sexy henchwomen in my employ to get shit done.

Initiative No. 5: Find A Mortal Enemy
This will be crucial, because if I am going to be traveling all over the world with my monkey sidekick, I’m going to need a foil hellbent on destroying me and dominating the world. I’m hoping he would have a giant moustache that he could twirl while he talks about his plans.

So once I had these things in place, I would spend my life doing the following:

- Visit every country on earth
- Go big game hunting in Africa
- Visit every MLB stadium in one summer
- Have an epic battle with my enemy on a rooftop
- Ice luge with Mr. Miyagi
- Commission a movie to be made about my life
- Win the Stanley Cup
- Ride a bear like a horse
- Learn how to play the spoons (hambone!)
- Take a piss on the 50-yd line of the Big House
- Shoot fire arrows into a large building and then slowly walk away
while it explodes
- Play Tetris in the Kremlin
- Find that asshole that randomly punched me in the face in college and beat
his face in until he shits out his own teeth
- Complete and perform my rock opera about Abraham Lincoln
- Get it on in zero gravity
- Smoke a blunt with Willie Nelson
- Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight
- Fight the zombie apocalypse
- Etc.

Bring on the Weed and Clones!

http://www.wxyz.com/content/news/2008vote/story.aspx?content_id=e12184f9-c3d2-43af-a526-dddc96a2c776&rss=785

In defiance of every possible expectation, the State of Michigan is threatening to leap into the late 90's and take some real, actual, progressive action by legalizing medical marijuana use and embryonic stem cell research. Holy fucking shit.



Opponents of the medical marijuana proposal have been decrying it's usage, culminating with the country's official Drug Czar John Walters saying "the proposal in Michigan would make it too easy for people to get the drug". Wait... is that supposed to make me vote against this proposal? Since I'm out of school and not many of my friends smoke, I don't think official Drug Czar John Walters knows how goddamn hard it is for me to find weed these days. If I want a bag I have a few options- I can call old friends in different towns I rarely talk to (desperate), go to concerts, parties and bars and try to make connections with people who smoke (super desperate), hang out at the 7-11 on 8 mile and Inkster and play the "approach the dudes who look stoned but not too threatening and probably aren't undercover cops" game (incredibly desperate), or finally go downtown into Detroit and buy from some sketchy dealer on a street corner and hope it's not laced with Angel Dust (no fucking way). None of these are good options, and if there is any possible way some of that sweet, sweet Mary Jane is going to leak onto the streets for the people to snatch up, I say all the better.

Also in his little anti-ganja hate speech, official Drug Czar John Walters tried to scare people into voting against the proposal by showing "pictures of marijuana vending machines that popped up in California when that state approved the use of medical marijuana." Even if you are against the idea of this proposal, you have to admit how awesomely awesome it would be to be in, say, a shopping mall and see this beautiful baby next to the Coke and snack vending machines:



Would it really be that bad if more people smoked weed? I don't know if you noticed, but everybody seems to be an asshole nowadays. Last week at a Tim Horton's the lady working behind the counter* literally threw the cardboard sleeve that goes around my coffee at me when I asked her for one because she forgot. Fucking bitch. If she was high, she still might not have remembered, but she might have given me a free bear claw, because when you're high you're happy and you want to share the wealth. Once at work, feeding off the early-morning sugar rush of a large coffee and a free bear claw, I may have been extra productive, which in turn might have helped my company turn a bigger profit, which in turn would have meant more tax revenue went to the Federal Government, which may have given the government enough money to fix Medicare, which would have helped old people get their medicine and live longer, happier lives. Are you against old people getting their medicine, official Drug Czar John Walters, you heartless bastard?

As for the other proposal, unsurprisingly the reactionary and totally lame right is mounting a fight against stem cell research in Michigan, because, you know, fuck those people with Parkinson's and Alzheimer's disease whose lives could someday be completely changed by the treatments and discoveries that experimentation on stem cells could bring. And fuck all those high-paying research and medical jobs it would bring to the state, we have so many jobs here we don't know what to do with them. I have like four old jobs sitting in my garage I haven't touched in years. Maybe I should have a job bonfire this weekend, all my job-saturated friends can bring their discarded and unused jobs over, and we can just have some drinks around the job bonfire and laugh and laugh about how great our awesome economy is and how everyone has so many fucking jobs they're littering the street and choking out all the wildlife and vegetation in southeastern Michigan. In fact, all I needed to make up my mind how to vote was the following video:



Once again arguing against the proposal, but after seeing this I have never wanted something to happen more in my life. A human-cow hybrid? Yes please. And why stop there? Why not bat-tiger hybrids, a flying nocturnal super-efficient killing machine we could unleash on our enemies and destroy once and for all? If you don't think an army of bat-tiger hybrids couldn't find Osama bin Laden in his stupid cave hideout in the mountains of Afghanistan, then you're nuts. Or what about a turkey-duck hybrid, so instead of buying one of those expensive duck-stuffed turkeys on Thanksgiving you could just kill one horrific abomination of God and get all that turkey-duck goodness on our tables more efficiently? How about an ostrich-dolphin hybrid? I don't know what that creature would be useful for specifically, but don't even tell me if there was one in a zoo you wouldn't drop everything and go see it.

More importantly, it may allow me to inject myself with some sort of DNA-altering substance that could give me animal superpowers. My life is extremely lacking in the superpower-having area, and if I could somehow get the speed of a cheetah or the eyesight of an owl or the cock of a horse, well, then, color my life advanced.

Hopefully one day once these proposals pass my ultimate dream could become reality: getting high with animals. This dog has already figured out how to take bong rips (good boy!), and I've always wanted to get high with some monkeys to see if we could somehow create a new language where we could finally, like understand each other. Or something. It seemed way better when I was high. Anyway, thanks Science!

* Seriously though, I hope that bitch who works at Tim Horton's get scalding coffee in her eyes. You make my life miserable every morning. You suck not only at your job, but at life.

The End is Fucking Neigh

http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/015/552kbtvz.asp

The above article, entitled "Give 'em Hell, Sarah", appears in the Weekly Standard magazine, the leading mouthpiece for Neo-Conservative talking points and dogma on the American Right. The author, one Steven F. Hayward, comes to a spirited defense of the embattled Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, saying that "just below the surface of the second-guessing about Sarah Palin's fitness to be president is the serious question of whether we still believe in the American people's capacity for self-government".

This is the idea the Right has been trying to talk itself into since John McCain made the cynical, dangerous and ridiculous choice of Palin as his VP candidate a couple weeks back, and I'm calling bullshit on it.

The thrust of this article is that the media is giving Palin such intense scrutiny about her political beliefs, history and ideals because she's a normal person, just like the average voter, and that the political elite that is the mainstream media doesn't accept her because she's an outsider, that they're inherently skeptical because, in Hayward's words, "she didn't go to Harvard; she's never been on Meet the Press; she hasn't participated in Aspen Institute seminars or attended the World Economic Forum." As if these are bad things, as if being asked questions on national television or attending one of the world's best colleges is overrated, or negative. It's almost implying that her experience as a mother, a mayor and a governor (for less than two years) is enough experience to lead the country, which simply isn't true.

Conservatives are so fond of promoting government be run like a business, but if the outgoing CEO of your multi-billion dollar company was promoting somebody who had been a mid-level manager for less than two years and spent time in the mail room before that to be their successor as CEO, you would call them nuts, which is exactly what John McCain is for doing this. It would be an unsound and risky move for a business; for the most powerful government in the world it would be catastrophic.

It's not that she's qualified, it's that she has the same ignorant worldview, the same fantasyland set of antiquated ideas on topics like abortion, gay marriage, global warming and war that the rest of the back-to-the-dark-ages agenda the religious right that runs the GOP advocates now a days. She's the perfect vessel for this, a plain-talkin' hockey mom (a hunter no less!), masquerading as an agent for change who can be defended from all sides by playing the gender, religious persecution, or small-town card.

Sarah Palin is the perfect storm of the modern Neo-Conservative movement: an intellectual lightweight willing to ignore facts, truth and commons sense to perpetuate power. If I can be more blunt, she is quite stupid. She's a tool in all senses of the word: a vessel being used to promote an agenda, but also a moron.

These words may seem harsh, but someone who thinks intelligent design should be taught in schools along side evolution I have very little intellectual respect for. Someone who believes global warming isn't predominately man-made, ignoring all legitimate scientific evidence to the contrary, is either delusional or an imbecile. Someone who believes rape victims shouldn't be allowed to abort their babies because Jesus thinks it's a human life is religious zealot. Someone who thinks simply drilling for oil wherever they want will have any sort of immediate impact on gas prices is not dealing with reality. Sarah Palin believes simply because she believes something, it makes it true. This is the kind of thinking that got us into the quagmire in Iraq: The belief that Iraq is a threat and we should invade them, then coming up with reasons to do so, finding "facts" and "intelligence" (no matter how dubious in nature) that conform to the idea, rather than letting the facts and circumstances shape the policy.

It's this anti-intellectual worldview that I have such a fundamental disagreement with, that the fact anybody questioning her experience or intelligence is an elitist themselves, that John McCain telling us she's qualified and ready to lead is all the assurance we should need about her qualifications. It's bullshit, and if anything more scrutiny, research and questioning needs to be done before anybody could, with a straight face, say Sarah Palin is qualified to be second in line to lead our country.

Watch these two videos together and tell me they don't have a disturbing amount in common:






Sarah Palin is ignorant because she obviously didn't know what the Bush Doctrine was when ABC's Charles Gibson asked her a straightforward question about it. She is a tiny notch above Miss South Carolina in content, and about even on delivery. Sarah Palin is dishonest because she's been touting her independent persona by saying she said "thanks but no thanks to the 'Bridge to Nowhere'", when in actuality she advocated it's construction before changing her mind along with popular opinion and a surge of common sense. Sarah Palin is unqualified because her only experience in government was as a mayor of a town of 6,300 people and as governor of a state with less than 700,000 people. Saying these things is certainly not an affront to small town people, although most conservatives would have you believe it. It is an affront to unqualified pretenders trying to seize control of our government.

Hayward makes the claim that "The establishment is affronted by the idea that an ordinary hockey mom--a mere citizen--might be just as capable of running the country as a long-time member of the Council on Foreign Relations." I am not the establishment, but I am affronted by this idea. She has no experience! SHE IS NOT QUALIFIED! I DON'T want an ordinary citizen being President! I want someone intelligent, I want someone who went to the best schools and has served in the Senate on a national level running things. I want someone who has well-thought out ideas rooted in reason and facts, I want someone who knows what the fucking Bush Doctrine is and doesn't shit her pants on national television. When did it become a bad thing to be intelligent? When were the atributes of self-awareness and introspection axed from the requirements for successful leadership?

Some national polls have McCain/Palin in front of Obama/Biden. Time and time again I assure myself that the American people will see through the fog, that the last eight years (and the vile persecution of the previous eight Clinton years) will be enough to spur change, that we as a country will finally get it, that we will aspire to make real change, to do the right thing, but after seeing the reaction to this I'm really starting to doubt myself. The voting electorate needs to prove that they can push aside the bullshit and move forward, but the hour is getting very late. I honestly can't even bring myself to fantasize what a McCain/Palin White House would look like, but I have a feeling it's twin is in the White House right now, and I have no idea how we could survive another four years of it.

Watch This

I don't know who made this, but they are fucking awesome. Peep this:

The Sweet/Weak List, Vol. 3

I am so fucking hung over my eyes are bleeding. Last night was my buddy's bachelor party, and I thought it would be a good idea to drink 10 beers without any food in my stomach, eat a bit, then drink about sixty more, topped off with a few splashes of single-malt scotch. I woke up this morning in the back of my car, roasting in the sun like a fucking ham, my socks lost, all my money gone, mysterious bruises on my abdomen, and a half-eaten piece of pizza in my hand. Needless to say I am not so chipper today. I was at the grocery store earlier and this little old lady was taking forever checking out, and it took all of my willpower not to punch her in the throat and burn the store to the ground. You hear that old ladies at the grocery store? HURRY THE FUCK UP YOU DECREPIT OLD BITTY! EITHER CHECK OUT OR GO DIE IN A DITCH!

Wow am I an asshole. On to the list.

Sweet:


1- The Dark Knight- I will admit I was ready to be let down by this movie. I loved the first one, Batman Begins, and the hype surrounding this was so incredibly ridiculous that I thought there was no way it could live up to it. Then I saw the movie and had twelve consecutive brain orgasms from sheer awesomeness. This movie was so fucking sweet I can't even handle it. Heath Ledger was fantastic, disgusting, frightening and hilarious all at the same time. It really fucking sucks he's dead, because it seems like he was just getting started on an incredible career. Maggie Gyllenhal is about 560 times better an actor than Katie Holmes, and the special effects on Two Face were outstanding. In fact, we're seeing a string of quality comic book movies unprecedented up until this point: The Spiderman trilogy, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, the first two X-Men (the third one never happened), and now the Batman movies all range from solid to outstanding. And if the upcoming Watchmen movie were a woman, I would make sweet, tender, passionate love to her. Just kidding, I would teabag her, then Superman that ho. Dirty, dirty Watchmen movie. What was I talking about?


2- My Beard- I had a dream earlier in the year that I had long hair and a beard. Logically, then, I decided to grow long hair and a beard, because I always take my dreams literally. That's why I often went to school naked. Anyway, I of course proceeded to grow the most phenomenal beard known to man. What's that you say? It looks like pubic hair glued on to my face? Good point, but let me retort by saying FUCK OFF. This beard says to the world "Look who finally went through puberty!" Women were powerless to it's awesomeness. And by powerless I mean repelled and disgusted. I am so very, very lonely.


3- Miguel Cabrera- He's 25, hit 8 home runs, had 31 RBI, and hit .330 in the month of July. He is five kinds of awesome, and he's signed for the next fifty years. I don't care what they traded for him, or that Dontrelle Willis instantly forgot how to throw a strike when he came to the American League, or that the Tigers paid him $500 million dollars, he's worth it.

4- Bluetooth Headsets- Let me be clear: these are the scourge of the earth, and everyone I see wearing one I want to kick their teeth down their throat, then drown them with my urine. So why are they on the Sweet list? Because I realized that while irritating, unnecessary and incredibly lame, they're an excellent indicator of douchebaggery in an individual. They're wonderful time savers: if I see someone wearing one of these, I immediately know they're a Grade-A choad and steer clear. So thank you, Bluetooth, for acting as a warning symbol that says "Hey- there is 100% chance that I'm an incredible asshole and listen to Nickelback. Avoid me at all costs, and if you can, run my car off the road into a concrete embankment so I die in a fiery explosion and don't pollute the world with any more douche bags like me".

5- The W. Era Nearing the End- Less than five months and counting. I think I might throw a party where we construct a giant W. doll and literally burn it in effigy, then piss on the ashes. Did I mention I wasn’t too fond of his version of the White House? Sayonara, A-hole.

6- Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!- The funniest, weirdest shit on T.V. right now. This clip is pure brilliance:


And this one for good measure...

Weak:

1- Reality Television- I was flipping through the channels a while ago, and I stumbled across a show called “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated”. With a name like “It’s Complicated”, I figured I’d hear Ms. Richards giving original proofs to solve differential equations, or opine on her newest piece of economic game theory, or dissect the age-old Palistian-Israeli territorial conflict, but to my surprise it was her bitching about Charlie Sheen and complaining about how hard it is being a single mother. When you’re filthy rich. And you probably get $50K/mo in alimony. And have five servants and live in a mansion. If I wasn’t such a gentleman, I might say something negative about her here.

Instead, I chose to make a point about the genre in general. My point being: reality television just might be the signal of the end of Western critical thought as we know it. Are we that trite, that bored, that fucking lazy that instead of making our own lives exciting or meaningful, or watching poignant and artful works of fiction, we instead have to watch other people live out their lives? And not even interesting or useful lives, at that. If there was a reality show following around George W. Bush behind the scenes as he was President, making decisions that affect literally millions of lives, that might be worthwhile to watch. Maybe. But watching Denise Richards dress up her dogs in sweaters and smell her own farts is just too much. She is a vapid, talentless, idiotic suckubus. Did I say I wouldn’t say anything negative about her? Whoops. Anyway, how could you possibly find that interesting? If you like this kind of shit I hate you. I’m not kidding. Let’s just move on.

2- The Detroit Tigers Bullpen- Where to begin with this goddamned mess? I just watched Fernando Rodney come into a game with a 1-run lead, then proceed to walk the first hitter he faced, peg the second one in the chest, give up a run-scoring single, then walk home the winning run. How in god’s name do you become the closer of an MLB team without the ability to throw a strike? The only upside of him being the closer is that he’s not Todd Jones. I won’t kick a man when he’s down, seeing as he just lost the closer’s job, but let’s just say that performance by Rodney was carrying on Jones’ flame quite nicely. The worst part of all this is they knew they had to get some help if they wanted to compete for the division title this year, so they used their best trading chip (Pudge Rodriguez) and turned him into… wait for it… Kyle Fucking Farnsworth. The same Kyle Farnsworth that came into this game today in the 8th with a 2-run lead and walked off the mound down by one. Soo-purb. I’m sure this will end well.


3- The Football Jesus- This one truly breaks my heart. The latest is the Packers have decided to let him come to camp and compete for the starting quarterback job. They don’t really have a choice in the matter, seeing as no other NFL team is willing to trade anything of value for him, and it would be the biggest p.r. disaster of the last century if he suited up for another team. Despite the fact they offered to take him back after he retired and he turned them down, after he gave them his decision that he wouldn’t play anymore, causing them to commit to Aaron Rodgers as their starting quarterback, he decides a few weeks before training camp he wants to play again, then has the fucking balls to tell the Packers to release him or trade him to a division rival so he can play against them. This is a selfish, selfish asshole move. You made the decision to retire, live with it. The kicker is Rodgers is probably never re-signing with the Packers after this next year, and they’ll have to draft and groom another quarterback which could take years. If I have to go back to the 4-12 days because Farve wanted to play one more year, thus fucking the team over for several thereafter, then I don’t know what. I probably won’t do anything, maybe write some angry, poorly written posts on my blog. Yeah, that seems about right.

All that being said, I hope he ends up being the quarterback, because he is, after all, the Football Jesus.

4- Obama caving on the FISA bill- When you said you were against immunity for the telecom companies under any circumstances, many believed you. I really, really, really hope you’re not taking the lame “running to the middle” strategy that cost Al Gore and John Kerry the last two elections. Bad, bad idea.


5- Quakers- Nothing has changed. You hear that, Wilford Brimley? You keep pimping those Quaker Oats and you’ll see what happens. Nothing good. Goddamn Quakers.